Why the holidays should be cancelled

Everyone who knows me knows that I haven’t always been such a bah humbug about the holidays in general.  It used to start with Halloween.  We’d plan all through September what the porch was going to look like, start buying stuff as soon as it hit the stores and get it done.  Then we would roll into the fall and Thanksgiving and then on Thanksgiving day start planning the Christmas decorating and actually do it all over the weekend.

I can’t stand the holidays anymore.  Kale’s whole life, it was me and him getting excited about the holidays and doing it.  Now, it’s just me and this demented Best Buy guy who only cares because he wants to show off for his kids.

I guess I’m just angry about the whole thing.  I haven’t had a lot of things to get excited about in my life, and now there’s just nothing.  The Best Buy guy always puts a damper on the holidays because he spends way too much and I’m always left sitting here like a pauper.  I guess it’s the second class citizen treatment I get at the holidays, too.  It’s all about spending more money on his kids then their mom it seems like.  Now that she spends $50 and says go to hell, it seems like it would go down, but it hasn’t stopped.  And then there’s the albatross because god forbid someone who should have been out of our lives 15 years ago feel like they don’t belong.

I know, it sounds bitter.  Really I just miss Kale and I’m very angry because I can’t even say it to anyone.  If I say it, the Best Buy guy acts like it’s his fault.  God forbid we take on a little personal responsiblity for acting like some one else’s kid is more deserving of decent treatment than a kid who lives in your own house.

So, I sit here and watch the horror of my life unfold.  I have to put up with Super Dad and Mr. Parent Over Achiever and try to stay sane.  This is why I don’t decorate anymore.  He would just go overboard.  We certainly don’t need anymore of  that around here. 

I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad.  Sometimes though it just feels like he doesn’t do much of anything to make me feel any better either.  I just want the holidays to slip by and no one notice them.  Or at least make it so that I don’t have to deal with it in major impact status like now.  Let’s not even mention putting my nervous system into major overdrive trying to deal when it already can’t deal.  I always feel like I’m on the verge of freaking meltdown during these things.  No, I don’t get to see my son, I don’t even get to talk to him.  His dad is an asshole and has him blocked off from me entirely.  Worse, he lied to the system that should have protected me and Kale from him to do all of this.  There should be a special kind of hell, but there isn’t.  At least not tthat I’ve seen.  If we believe in all the hype, he’ll get his but it doesn’t really matter if I don’t get to see it, now does it?  It’s not truly retribution without my participation, is it?

Why it can’t just be a quiet little day off, I don’t know.  I know how I protect myself in the middle of it all.  I’m going to kick out NaNo.  I’ve got 9000 words left and it’s going to get well under way starting today.  I’m sure my husband isn’t watching the time and I’m going to have to get him going on his own freaking big deal.  See, it’s just neverending horror.

I just want to watch tv in my jammies all day.  I don’t want to deal with anyone else’s drama.  There’s enough in my life.  I don’t need yours.  Pray that my son grows a brain and some balls and gets away from his dad.  Pray that something goes my way for once.  It seems like it might finally be time.

In the interest of completing NaNo

In the interest of the fact that it’s November, which for those of you  not in the know is National Novel Writing Month (affectionately known as either NaNoWriMo or the worst way to stupidly torture yourself ever by trying to write 50,000 words in 30 days) and in the interest of me being able to actually complete NaNo and not go insane.  I have found myself stuck at just under 34,000 words and unable to move on until I apparently have written a blog to get some of this crap out of my brain.  Because frankly, I just want to scream and more relevant people in my universe must become zombies and die by the hand of Kade’s shovel of death.

I’ve been pretty good about trying not to stress about this whole state appeal thing.  Because frankly I’m pretty sure that they used their best stuff to try to get my case dismissed awhile ago and I also realised that the new incarnation of crap that I received the other day is the second string and probably will be dismissed as well. 

I guess the most perplexing part of all of it is that they are apparently incapable of actually reading their own paperwork and that they are also trying to get their own paperwork dismissed.  I laugh, but also worry that the court may actually listen and slam me even further into poverty than I am already.  Seriously, no one should cry when they receive their paycheck.  I feel like Al Bundy.

So, the other half of all of this is that I am examining the people that I know that are able to skate through life with things always coming out for them.  I am so irritated that I have to work so freaking hard for everything that I do and spend a great deal of time getting shot down.  I know, it’s sounding like autistic whining.  I’m sorry.  I try never to degenerate into that.

My main complaint is that I always do the right thing and the responsible thing and I’m constantly feeling like I’m being punished for it.  My ex on the other hand makes great argument for being the devil incarnate alive on earth, and gets away with murder and things always work out just fine for him.  Making me think that he is not entirely unjustified when he feels that the world is against him when things are not going the way that he wants.

The saddest part of this is that he’s ruined my son’s life and his wonderful attitude and turned him into some god freak idiot.  I’m starting to take the stance that religion is for people who are not brave enough to take a stance.  It’s so much easier to blindly follow something and use faith as an excuse.  I know that I’m going to piss off more than half of my friends with that statement, but if you look at how my ex has managed to use the church to hide behind while he abuses my son and I and probably his wife and new kid, then it’s entirely understandable.

I haver realised in the last few days that I have lost almost all of my faith.  In the justice system, in the people in my life, in faith itself.  That’s probably a pathetic place to be in life.  I’ve had it extremely cemented for me in my life that I can truly count on me most of the time as long as I don’t spiral into depression or meltdown.  Which I guess is a good place to be in one respect.  I know myself well enough to know what my limitations are.  And what my limitations are is becoming way too clear lately.  Smack me in the face clear, actually.

I know that this is just a temporary fractal state in which I feel like I’m wallowing in depression and anxiety.  I know that this like all fractal states will emerge from the chaos.  However, after a very long talk with my best friend last night (woot, Didi!) I have started to develop a more demented attitude about the entire thing.  And try not to be too thrown by the analogy here (I’m talking about the poor family in Ohio that was found murdered and in trashbags in the woods except for the 13 year old daughter who was found in some pervert’s basement) that at least I’m not the live one.

Once again, I’m shocked by how my train of thought has derailed and wandered toward parts unknown, but I am at least feeling as if I might be able to tackle a little writing this weekend, because my goal was to hit 15,ooo words this weekend which would put me well within limits of finishing before Thanksgiving. 

It would also cause me to boycott my family Thanksgiving tomorrow which I have mixed feelings about anyway and very few of them are good.  Since eliminating huge chunks of drama from my life, I feel somewhat disabled in being able to just walk into a gigantic vat of it.  Part of this is being really unable to walk into confrontation.  Confrontation is so awfully unpredictable.  You can social story most conversations but heated conversations cannot be measured in this way.  People say things for just the sake of being mean and most people go straight for the gut.  Which derails even neurotypical people, so you can just imagine for a moment what that does to someone who is so easily shut down in the face of confrontation.

So, this blog has gone in some weird direction, but opened my brain back up so I feel confident about working on my novel again.  So, since I’m at my writing group and that’s what I should be doing anyway, I’m going to get to it!