Random thoughts of the last week

It’s been a very dark and demented week.  I have been lamented often and seriously about the flatness of Indiana.  Today, I am wondering about life in general and seriously reflecting on my life, in particular.

I overheard a phone conversation between my husband and my step-daughter.  He was complaining about all of my legal fees and other nonsense and actually managed to make it sound as if he were somehow helping me with it all.  He’s so bizarre. He wouldn’t help me if it was the last thing that he did on the planet and he needed the points to get into heaven.  Amazing.  I shook my head when his daughter told him not to worry about her birthday money because it sounded like “we” had a lot going on.  Now, I don’t know where his kids got the impression that we share anything except a bed and the same living space, but they do.  This perturbed me to no end, let me tell you.

The other thing that annoyed me was that he told her that he was trying to talk me into moving to Ohio to get rid of some of this crap. So he won’t be broke and destitute.  I’m so happy that I serve as a constant reminder of his worst fear in life, that he won’t have horded money in his checking account.  It must be awful to live with that fear. Ridiculous.  Again, I ask, what did he lose in all this?  He didn’t even lose me.

So, I am wondering today what would be good for me.  I’m pretty sure moving to Ohio isn’t going to solve any part of my problems.  Except for the days when he is the problem.  I asked him this morning while he was half asleep because that is when I get the best most truthful and accurate answers from him is when his brain hasn’t had time to organize itself behind all the big brick walls.  He said he didn’t want me to go away, he just wanted all of the problems to go away.  Hmmmm…I wonder where you buy that wife?  The one that has no problems, no baggage, no life.  Then another thought struck me.  He is setting a very dangerous precedent if he is going to start making my problems his own, then that’s just not like him at all.

I started to think to about setting people out to sea in a teacup with the idea that they can use the teacup to bail themselves out when the sea gets too rough.  However, the fatal flaw being that you sort of need the teacup in order to stay afloat.  How do you do accomplish this super hero feat?  I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.  So, here I am in the middle of the most desolate ocean in my teacup that has huge cracks in it and is definitely letting the sea crash in and me.  I don’t even have a spoon to bail with. I’m thinking that I might want a sugar cube to latch onto. 

In my darkest minutes, including the ones that I spend copious amounts of time looking for some place that is not flat in this godfarsaken state, I still see that this is a situation that I did not create, that I did not want to participate in, and the worst part did not even want  to see any part of  for any reason.  I think that from now on, when I go to the shrink and she asks me what state I’m in, I’m going to tell her Indiana, because that is the worst state that I can think of for anyone.  It’s desolate and miserable and grey.  Nothing is tolerated.  At least not the things that should be. Think of the possibilities. Indiana could be any state of mind whatsoever.  Crazy, sane (although it would be a dubious sanity), depressed….whatever.

My life is a disaster. Wanna trade?

Okay, there is no denying that the last 3 years have been very stressful.  Unbelieveably beyond stressful would probably be a more appropriate word choice.  I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery because I was stress eating and my system started to crash. The gall bladder had the worst of it.  I have stress fractures in all of my teeth. Not just a few.  ALL.  I take so many things to keep my system in whack that the rest of me is just not coping, at all.  I’ve been in therapy since the arrest in October.  Does this tell you how my day is going?

So….the court has everything so screwed up that I don’t know what thing is important anymore and as soon as I think I might have it figured out, it changes again.  I definitely don’t know what the truth is.  I was a fit enough parent when my ex didn’t want the responsibility.  Now, I’m incompetent because of my autism.

The Best Buy guy has been on a “we need to have a serious talk about your ex husband because it’s ruining both of our lives” kick.  I’m looking around trying to figure out exactly what he feels he’s lost in all of this.  I lost everything. My kid is gone. My stability is gone. My coping skills are all gone.  I own nothing to show for my 40 years of existing on this planet. Nothing to show for having worked since I was 16.  Nothing.  He keeps saying that they will try and take the house.  First of all, it’s in his name. They are not going to be taking the house from him to satisfy my debt. They didn’t do it for bankruptcy court, they certainly won’t do it now.  Of course, that poses the question of what is really important in my little bubble.  Looks like not much that has to do with me.

So, what has been disrupted in his life? I’m not important to him unless I’m being useful in some way to him such as laundry or sex, so I know that’s not a worry.  He still spends money how ever he wants. He still gives money to his kids like he has a giant money tree growing out of his ass. He still takes off and does whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it with absolutely no regard for how I might feel about it.  He still lives exactly the same. He is only supportive when it might be beneficial to me. He  cares as much as he wants to care and never as much as he should.  He is definitely single mindedly about him.  Oh, and let’s not forget his kids.  I wasn’t born with the name, so I do not get any of the privileges that come with birth.  Of course, we have one that wasn’t born with the name that gets treated better than all of us. 

I don’t know how to explain to him that this is beyond any amount of control that I  could possibly have over it.  He doesn’t seem to understand it, at all.  It’s very strange.  Somehow, I’m supposed to make everyone behave like civilised adults with gigantic brains popping out of their skulls.  I can’t do this.  What in the world is he thinking?

So, I go back to the old standby….”No man is an island, no man is a sea, but this display of emotion is all but killing me.” I’m drowning. My teacup will never bail this sea and there is no way out of it.

Welcome to Asperger’s Land

Well, here we all are.  It’s been a weird and wacky last few weeks.  I have actually found a new job.  Kinna exciting.  I’m liking it and trying to fit in desperately. I’ll let you know if that ever happens.  Don’t hold your breath.

Now, I’ve been doing lots of thinking about all the various things in life that tend to throw it upside down and make it seem like I should prolly go home and hide under the covers again.

The world has not changed. Wee Geek turned 18 at the beginning of January and nothing has changed.  I didn’t think that it would, but I guess I was holding out some demented and heartfelt little hope that it would.  As if it could be magically better after all that’s happened. 

The main reason I’m in here today after almost a month is that I’m sure that I will be going to jail again on Wednesday.  I’m pretty sure that I won’t have the paperwork that they want and that they’ll just see it as a blantant disregard.  I’m not being purposefully resistant, but I don’t see what choice I have when you look at the events that have happened in the last few years.  I very much do not believe that justice is anything but deaf, dumb, blind and unable to understand the simplest piece of logic.

Mazaria tells me that my course of action should be to sit and not say a word. She thinks I should refuse to talk even if asked a question.  After all, they don’t listen to me anyway, what’s the point.  I’m tempted to go to court in duct tape and handcuffs, just to teach them a lesson.  Alas, I’m sure that would be considered insolence as well.  So….I sit here with this certainty with no plan as to how to fix it. 

My lawyer has bailed again.  The Best Buy guy is very worried that this spells the end.  I just don’t think it was helping much to start with.  I still went to jail, I still owe more money than I should.  I am still getting fucked on an extremely more than regular basis by my ex husband, and life is not good there.

The good thing about the lawyer bailing is that I just don’t care.  I mean, it just didn’t make any sense to care and get all upset. The Best Buy guy seems to think that I should be running around in a panic.  But in reality, it’s more of a feeling of, well, they were still getting away with murder, so there is no need for a lawyer to witness this travesty.  So, after meeting with the lawyer who agrees that I am no better off with one than without one, but still wants $6000 anyway, I wonder…WTF?!

I’m stunned.  Redeemed, though, too because I told the BB guy that it wouldn’t make any difference what I did.  I think he needed to hear it from the lawyer, though.  That I was going to be fucked no matter which way I turned.  So, here we sit wondering if we’re having court on Wednesday or not.  Dreading that I’ve been drowning in paperwork all day and I’m going to have to go home and wade through some more paperwork, so I’m feeling underwater completely.  I cannot even tread water anymore. So, the only question that really remains is….gold shoes or red?