Post Wedding Apocalypse and Other Fallout

The heat hangs heavy in our house like velvet drapes around our bed and sleep eludes me. So it must be time for another blog. Finally! The first of the kids is out the door and off into whatever passes for wedded bliss these days. Although I have worried obsessively that Wee Geek would be the first, this has not been the case.

I have felt like the outsider perpetually looking in at an extremely bizarre passion play. This process has made an indelible impression on the Best Buy guy and I. He has struggled with lots if things and it has been painful and joyful all at the same time.

I have never seen the BB guy in a tux. He completely left me out of it all. He did it all himself and I did not see him in it until the day. He cleans up nicely and I don’t think I have ever seen him so puzzled nor so handsome. The man was at a loss and I had to dress him. Just like always we got through the hardest parts together.

The BB guy’s ex-wife has did a lot to make me feel included. It has brought up so many emotions for me that I feel overwhelmed with trying to pinpoint one. It was still a moment of disconnectedness and watchfulness. It was interesting to watch at any rate.

The BB guy has roller coasted from proud to feeling like a walking wallet. The skirmishes here have all involved money and he has become very sad over the reality of that. He has been left with a sour taste that nothing he has done has been good enough for his children in their own eyes. This especially resonates with us in reflection of Wee Geek who is acutely aware of the things that are done for him. What a difference having that chunk of time forcefully removed from us has made. Things have not been easy for him, this is assured. No one is paying his way through life and his father does not feel obligated toward anyone but himself.

I watched this wedding with amusement and sadness. It is exciting to watch two young people standing on the edge of life and priming themselves for the jump that will be the icy and cold water of reality. It is sad to watch my husband let go of something that was only fleetingly his.

This last year has reminded us of the promises we have made to each other and has tested them more than ever. We have been through the reappearance of Wee Geek in our life (which is nearing it’s year anniversary), double cataracts surgery for BB guy, the removing of a daughter from the payroll ( so to speak), and now the strangest thing, the partial loss of some of my vision.

This has been the oddest chapter so far. Although in looking back, I realise that this has probably been happening for some time. I woke up one Thursday morning to having no peripheral vision on my right side. A visit to the eye surgeon has left us puzzled. There seems to be no cause and the tests are not good. My eyes are healthy. I have had nothing like a fall or a head bump to precipitate a problem. I am having horrible headaches from the struggle of my eyes to focus together. This has also made a significant decrease in my abilities of depth perception. Which makes steps look like sloping insurmountable hills and all surfaces are suddenly suspect because I’m unable to perceive their subtle changes. I feel helpless and afraid. I do not know what this holds for our future, but fear a further stressful test. A visit to the neuro-opthalmologist has not really yielded many more answers. All signs seem to be pointing to lupus and so the next step in an anabolic nucleur blood test that may or may not give us any anwers.

In the meantime, I’m feeling the full weight of every ache and every pain and I’m trying to not let it send me through the roof with worry. I know that this is something that’s been happening for a long time. It’s one of those things that is conclusive after they’ve ruled everything else out. Wee Geek worries that both of his parents are ill and what this means for him. I’m worried about being able to function and BB guy seems content to sit and wait. I know it’s not really doing any good to worry while we wait, but still. In the big picture, everything else seems stupid.

I think a lot about the potential effect of all of this and it’s daunting. I’m trying very hard to stay off the websites because this seems to only add to the mounting panic that I’m barely keeping at bay. This is where the Asperger’s adage of prepare for the worst really comes in handy. In the meantime, I feel like crap all the time. My head hasn’t stopped hurting in weeks and as an added bonus plan, I feel nauseous all of the time. I’m not really too impressed with this feeling, and today, I feel like I just need to go home and lie down.

That sounds so good that I think I will do it.