Sometimes The Universe Just Has To Deal


So after a week that I fear may take a great deal of alcoholic intervention to forget, there is a dim candle light in the darkness ahead. Not a beacon of hope in any sense, but a light. I realise that I have lots of things going for me that are both assets and problems. This duality of life on the spectrum is what makes our place in the world so delightful and so frustrating all at the same time. We can’t function within gray areas. Some people make their livings this way. Politicians and lawyers for example. Asperger’s people have to have very specific rules and guidelines or good models to show how the rules are put into practice so that we can implement them ourselves. It never fails that when someone on the spectrum has to operate within the parameters of gray area that we fuck it up and aren’t successful. We are also very reality driven and cannot function in the land of hippy dippy rainbows, unicorns, fairy dust, and fucking leprechauns. All of those things are extremely annoying and just piss us off. We understand very well how the world functions and it is rarely in our favour. In fact, we are usually dumbfounded when something goes right for us and we usually spend a great deal of time trying to figure out why the fuck that happened. And then trying to get prepared for the terribly horrible thing that most assuredly is going to happen next. This pessimism is our armadillo shell in our way. If we always expect the worst, then we aren’t ever completely devastated when it manages to work that way. Ooooo….shiny….which is prolly why I enjoy apocalypse and zombie stories. Afterall….if the shit is going to hit the fan that’s prolly balls up the worst way for it to happen. My reality can just never be completely that bad. So I’m constantly in a state of being prepared for the zombie apocalypse while still pretending that I won’t be excited in the reality of it. Thank Gabriel that Hollywood has made the apocalypse look so fucking awful no matter which incarnation it involves There’s something to be said for being reactive in a proactive way as well. We can’t predict how reality is going to shoot us in the foot, but we definitely can prepare for the next time it makes a go of it. This brings up a kind of backasswards way to be proactive, but it has also worked extremely well for me. If nothing else can be said about me, then understand that I tend to fuck up fairly consistently in the same 5 or 10 ways all of the time. So I have a pretty extensive library for how not to do shit. Believe it or not, this is very helpful. I am also very comfortable with who and what I am. This is good. I don’t fit everywhere and I know that it takes very special people to be able to get along with me. So I work off of that premise. That being said, there are times when I have to change and figure out how to make things better and there are times when the universe just has to deal. It’s up to me to figure out what each situation brings to the table in the sense of providing positive and meaningful growth for me. Sometimes there is no growth and that is when you have to just walk away. Not every experience gives you something to learn. Some situations are meant to just kick your ass and help you determine if you’re going to get up or if you’re dumb enough to just get up again with a little more muscle behind the punch and a hell of a lot more tenacity. I don’t really know where I’m at on that scale today, but I know I’ll figure it out.

From the Bowels of Teacher Hell


So it’s been a long week of no answers, no information, and no communication. The end result has been that I am now operating deep in the heart of no longer give a fuck land. This is good and bad. It’s good because it saves me just a fraction of stress. It’s bad because someone is very likely to get a piece of my mind that they will NOT like at all.
In the meantime the ex-BB guy tries like hell to distract me. We went to see “Dredd” this weekend as a result of his efforts. I will warn you that this is an ultra violent movie where every scene is a bloodwash. It did get me thinking about some things. The basic premise is that a new universe has emerged where judges are out on the streets dealing with crime and criminals in an immediate way. I can’t tell you how much this premise terrifies me. I am imagining the police state of Delaware County in this scenario and let me tell you that this thought makes my blood run cold. When I imagine this scenario and apply it to my own experience with the court system, I am just about speechless. The only redeeming factor is that there would be no more reason for the system to harbour all of these bottom feeding lawyers. Wee Geek says that if this becomes reality we should immediately take his dad back to court.
Another thing that was interesting was that the had a drug called slo-mo that people took just like an inhaler. This was interesting because I’m positive that we are not that far out from that exact kind of drug taking.
The plot was interesting because you have Judge Dredd in charge of determining whether or not a rookie judge who scored slightly under passing for the job is actually capable of doing the job. An added twist? She’s psychic which may or may not be an asset. This plot is made for autistic people. Afterall, we have this weird rookie judge who is basically being set up to fail and she is thrown into a situation that instantly goes to hell as soon as she touches it. In the end, she is convinced that she’s not good enough and just walks away. We find out that is certainly not the case. A plot hand picked out of our pessimistic brains.
I related to this plot because it mirrored my current problem. I got thrown into a situation where I was set up to fail and when I did, the result was sitting in some corner of hell awaiting sentencing. I now have some people in my corner trying to find out where I’m standing. I’m pretty sure that we are going to find out that I’m asshole deep in a giant pile of shit. But I guess the up side of that is at least I’ll have some confirmation of what is happening.
In the meantime, I’m trying to use some of the time that I have constructively. Although my brain circles around and around trying to imagine all of the options and trying to develop a game plan for each one. It’s not working very well. Perhaps tomorrow I will have some answers and we can all move on.