Please Keep All Hands and Feet Inside While Others Decide Your Fate


So I sit and wait in an empty room with only my phone and a borrowed laptop without a power cord for company while the powers that be decide my fate. Let’s forget for one moment that I have Asperger’s and waiting with any degree of uncertainty is certainly much more exhausting and emotionally draining than any punishment they could dream up for me. Let’s forget that the great uncertainty is crippling to my poor fragile system. Let’s forget that I was only told half the story and was completely blind sided once more when I met with the powers that be (who by the way were somewhat apologetic and seemingly embarrassed about the entire thing as well as raised an eyebrow when they found out that I was not completely apprised of the situation). So I sit. It’s a make shift prison with the feeling of abandonment lurking in the corners. And curse karma for always kicking my ass when I feel like things are going well. I was very well reminded of the rule of 3 last night. You know, that crazy thing where you have 3 good things and then 3 bad things….wash, lather, repeat.
I really feel like puking and that’s kinna taking over for some of the other senses that are supposed to be working but are not. It’s also keeping me from completely shutting down which I’m sure will actually be beneficial to me at some point. Because I feel like I’ve only had about 3 minutes sleep I’m an emotional train wreck hoping that I find a bridge that’s out so I can just crash and burn. The added bonus is that I can see that all the signs are connected to gigantic blinking red arrows that say “Point of no return. Abandon all hope those who enter here.”
Once again I feel as if my only support system is in my phone. The ex-BB guy is less than useless in these situations and he usually says something stellarly stupid like “You need to stop letting this get you all worked up.” How he thinks that is helpful I have no idea at all. Other advice has been much more helpful. I think I did everything right. I listened, I nodded, I asked a few questions. I hope that I didn’t look guilty. I know that if you are neurotypical and you are reading this, you are prolly wondering how I would manage to look guilty if I wasn’t. Spectrum people have a hugely difficult time managing our facial expressions anyway. When you had a huge heaping cup of stress the entire operation goes amuck. Gotta love evolution. Added brain function, decreased ability to actually cope and function under stress. What demented super power is that?
It’s technically not even helping me to blog about it except to rec

Please Keep All Hands and Feet Inside While Others Decide Your Fate


So I sit and wait in an empty room with only my phone and a borrowed laptop without a power cord for company while the powers that be decide my fate. Let’s forget for one moment that I have Asperger’s and waiting with any degree of uncertainty is certainly much more exhausting and emotionally draining than any punishment they could dream up for me. Let’s forget that the great uncertainty is crippling to my poor fragile system. Let’s forget that I was only told half the story and was completely blind sided once more when I met with the powers that be (who by the way were somewhat apologetic and seemingly embarrassed about the entire thing as well as raised an eyebrow when they found out that I was not completely apprised of the situation). So I sit. It’s a make shift prison with the feeling of abandonment lurking in the corners. And curse karma for always kicking my ass when I feel like things are going well. I was very well reminded of the rule of 3 last night. You know, that crazy thing where you have 3 good things and then 3 bad things….wash, lather, repeat. I really feel like puking and that’s kinna taking over for some of the other senses that are supposed to be working but are not. It’s also keeping me from completely shutting down which I’m sure will actually be beneficial to me at some point. Because I feel like I’ve only had about 3 minutes sleep I’m an emotional train wreck hoping that I find a bridge that’s out so I can just crash and burn. The added bonus is that I can see that all the signs are connected to gigantic blinking red arrows that say “Point of no return. Abandon all hope those who enter here.” Once again I feel as if my only support system is in my phone. The ex-BB guy is less than useless in these situations and he usually says something stellarly stupid like “You need to stop letting this get you all worked up.” How he thinks that is helpful I have no idea at all. Other advice has been much more helpful. I think I did everything right. I listened, I nodded, I asked a few questions. I hope that I didn’t look guilty. I know that if you are neurotypical and you are reading this, you are prolly wondering how I would manage to look guilty if I wasn’t. Spectrum people have a hugely difficult time managing our facial expressions anyway. When you had a huge heaping cup of stress the entire operation goes amuck. Gotta love evolution. Added brain function, decreased ability to actually cope and function under stress. What demented super power is that? It’s technically not even helping me to blog about it except to recognise that I prolly do not have this particular talent in life. I have gotten pretty good at understanding my shortcomings over the years. I have even gotten pretty good at figuring out how to make my shortcomings look a little less like shortcomings. I have never really gotten good at fitting in or understanding the motivations of people. I’m definitely in Peter Gabriel’s “no man is an island” world today. It is very stressful. I wish I had more inner strength to draw on, but I used a great deal of that when all the stuff with Wee Geek was happening. So there are precious few reserves of that to draw upon when times get rough. I know that there are very few guarantees in life, but a few more warning lights would be helpful. And a Tardis. I could really use a Tardis.

Sometimes You Should Listen To The Past


You know, some people make major life decisions and just glide easily into the change without ever having to look back and without any regrets whatsoever. Some people can just make changes and never even blink. Autistic people have to measure everything about the change, feel out all the variables, think about every repercussion of every variable, obsess about the possibility of missing one of them and then rethink it all again.
We can’t ever think out every possibility. It’s prolly the curse of the whole Asperger’s thing. I don’t suffer from bouts of over confidence very often because I always have karma to kick me in the ass and hold me down for extra beatings just in case I start feeling cocky about any of it. I should listen to those little bits of karma. Every time in my life that I have tried to make a change without it being forced upon me via firing, relationship breaking up (another kind of firing I suppose), or legal action by an admittedly moronic judge in the insane police state of Delaware county….well, it’s never really gone well. Never once in 43 years has change initiated by me turned out okay. Forced change, however, actually turns out okay every now and then.
With forced change there is no opportunity to flounder endlessly in whatifs. Instead there is a sudden push into “oh my fucking god how do I stabilize again?” The other part of this is that there is actually some part of the autistic brain that actually functions pretty well under this kind of stress. The reality of it all is that our brains strive toward that sense of stability. We can’t function outside of it so we fight really hard to make it happen. The funny part about it is that we don’t really care how demented that stability is. We just need it. No matter what form it takes. I’m chuckling to myself right now because there have been times in my life when that “stability” has been pretty fucked up. And yet I still wanted the known, no matter how fucked up, much more than the uncertainty and thus the change. I think it’s difficult for neurotypical people to completely grasp this concept. They have no anxiety about this stuff. They also have not experienced the wonderful feeling of karma kicking them straight in the teeth every time they try to deal with a change. It’s amazing how non-frightening change is to those people and how horribly crippling and frightening change is to us.
It’s a process. Learning how to do change. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it gracefully. I will always have to be dragged kicking and screaming through it. I also know that karma really takes a great deal of pleasure in kicking my ass when I try to move forward. The one thing about doing the things you have to do is that once the people who have it easy in life discover that you will do what you have to, they will never ever let you do the things you want to. For instance, I really want to write. My attention is so scattered and distracted when I’m having to work and try to write. I would love to have a few weeks to completely concentrate on this zombie book and get it out the fucking door.
I have this overwhelming need to demand a do over. Why isn’t grown up life as clear cut as kindergarten. I don’t know if the rules made sense to me then, but they definitely make huge amounts of sense now. Mostly because I know how complicated and stupid grown up life is. I think, too, that karma takes a very perverse pleasure in knowing how much I would pay for one choice to work out for me just once. I know it’s a silly little pipe dream I have. Sigh. I don’t like complicated, but nothing is ever very easy in my life.
I will just be obsessing about all of the choices and decisions I’ve made lately. For the rest of the night. All night. Sigh.

Tales From My Sleep Number Bed


It’s been an insane last month. Believe it or not. I’ve been insanely busy with small children. Good because it’s my field, bad because I have been too busy to do anything that isn’t work related. ┬áThere have been lots of changes in the land of the not quite right, the least of which is all of the changes. We are still chasing down the cause of all of my elusive health issues. I am once again down with something for the second week in a row. I finally went to the doctor and got some antibiotic that I am so hoping will kick the ass of whatever it is that I’ve managed to catch. Cross your fingers.

In the meantime, we once again went to the Mothman Festival in beautiful Point Pleasant, West Virginia. It was a good trip with me and the Ex-Best Buy guy and Wee Geek and Mamaw. We didn’t hear any speakers this year, but we went on the tour of the TNT area which was highly enlightening. We learned a few new things and we got to see what it was really all about. And by that I mean that I got some great new ideas for the Mothman book. Which encourages me to get the zombie book done. Yep, I have lots of time for that. NOT. Maybe in a month my life will free up a little and I can start doing what’s important again. I hate when work takes over my life and I can’t do the things that make me feel alive.

The Ex-Best Buy guy has been somewhat utilizing his not working time. He has been doing some straightening up projects and little fix it things. Our room is slowly shaping up. We found an old poster that will be going into a new frame and get hung up. Maybe the steamer trunk will actually get converted. ┬áHe’s in a tizzy and named a mission so maybe some things will get done.

Wee Geek is doing well. He loves his new job and he’s actually truly happy for the first time since he came back in my life. There have been little seconds of happiness here and there. But he is truly happy and very proud of himself. He’s doing things that the asshole that is his father had him convinced that he couldn’t do. He’s doing it on his own which is huge steps for him. I’m super proud of him.

In other news, Ex-Best Buy guy is on a paranoid streak because he’s been watching too much news. There is a down side to his unemployed status. I try to keep him busy so the paranoia doesn’t run too awfully rampant. He’s already amping the security system. It is a little frightening. Well, dear readers, cross your fingers.