Graduation horror stories


So, in light of my son’s impending graduation and my stupid ex-husband’s inability to be a reasonable human being and keep it from me, I’m writing a new blog.

I can’t hardly begin to put into words how I feel about this important milestone. It is so overshadowed by Scott successfully making me dead in Wee Geek’s life and his infinite butt headedness in general that I am overwhelmed.  I can hardly even deal with all the graduation crap that is popping up everywhere you look.

I am once again struck by the irony that Scott has been allowed to do to me what he imagined was happening to him. The only difference being, of course, that I actually care about Wee Geek and Scott is just using him as a means to punish me.  It’s unbelievable.  All of the emotions that are seething through me have no words to describe them and no place to go inside my already over-stimulated brain.  It’s just…..well, no words seem adequate once again.

The entire experience has made me rethink the universe in general and makes me wonder at the injustice of it all. Bigger than that, however, is the fact that this was all fueled by a corrupt and miserable little man looking for a corrupt and horrid way to carry out his most evil plan in life. Punish me for leaving.  The irony that one of the best things I ever did for myself has turned out to be one of the worst impacting decisions of my life has not escaped me.  I’m beginning to think that is how fate levies her sense of humour on us.  She forgets that it’s only funny if someone else laughs, and that person can’t be you.

So, I sit and thumb through my coping mechanisms, realising that I do not have one that is effective for this situation.  The old coping tools just do not work anymore and there are no new ones that are as good as the old ones.  So, I do what I always do and stuff all of it down because it’s too big for anyone else to deal with let alone myself.

I know that it makes me feel dysfunctional and stuck.  I feel as if  I will become lethally dystonic and will not be able to move at all.  It is terrible that Scott has been allowed to so horribly abuse me.  Sometimes I think back and wonder if I should have let him kill me way back when.  It seems as if it might have been the more prudent course of action.  But then I think of Wee Geek and it all flutters away because at least he had at least 10 good years of limited Scott bullshit.  It just scares me to see how much he’s ruined all of the good work that I did in just 3 short years.

I think that the thing that disturbs me most is that I will never be able to make up that time. It will be forever lost to all of this derision.  I do not think that I will ever be able to look at the last 3 years through any other lenses except for the ones ruined by this bitterness and hatred.  I hate especially that he has been able to put me so far in the hole again when I was just getting things together and on my feet.

I like my job, I love teaching and I am finally at a place with the Best Buy guy that feels fairly comfortable.  I am writing again and feeling good about it.  I am able to deal with most of the issues that arise because of the Asperger’s.  For the first time in my life, I feel pretty good about who and what I am.  Scott has always been able to plant little seeds of doubt in my brain about me.  Wee Geek was my solid rock on the journey through Asperger’s. My confirmation that I wasn’t nuts and that I actually knew what I was talking about.  Will I still be able to go ahead on this path without that confirmation?  That is, if Wee Geek  has been made to actually believe that I am crazy and that he does not have Asperger’s.  Will anything in my life make sense if that is the case?

I ponder all of these questions in my head every day 5 million times.  I ponder all sorts of ridiculous things.  Isn’t  it silly how one awful little man can plant all of these little seeds and nurture them into monstrous plants worthy of  “The Little Shop of Horrors”?

Frustrations


I’m not very much calmer about this entire court situation than I was yesterday, however, my brain is now able to wrap around the fact that I am getting fully, completely, totally and most decidely screwed.  Now, that I have accepted that, I can move on slightly.  It’s not easy to move on from this.

I’ve partially digested the paperwork….it’s going to take a while before I can completely digest it, but I’m working on it.  I think the thing that I find the most laughable is that they say that the child support is so high because I do not choose to exercise parenting time!  I’ve never even been given the option!  How ridiculous is it that they are allowed to just say anything that they want in court paperwork and it suddenly becomes true!  How ridiculous it is that my ex is allowed to out and out lie in court and it suddenly becomes true!  It’s a little scary.  I think the scariest thing is that they lie and the judge doesn’t seem to get it at all.

So, what to do about all of this?   I’ve waited 3 years for Wee Geek to be 18 and it still doesn’t make any difference.  That’s the worst part for me. That I waited and I’m still waiting.  I am just wondering when it will stop but fear and know in my heart that it will never stop until I’m dead.  Scott will not be happy until he either has killed me himself or I’m in a grave because of all of this stress.  How much stress is one person supposed to be able to handle in one lifetime?  I’ve had all mine in the last three years, thank you.  No more stress is allowed in my life.  EVER!!!!!

You know, I think the other most disturbing thing is that they seem to understand perfectly well how all of this is affecting me and they continue and they make it worse.  His church is condoning his bad behaviour, the judge is condoning his bad behaviour, his wife is condoning his bad behaviour.  The operable concept here being that Scott is never punished for being the arrogant asshole bastard that he truly is!  Truly, if it wasn’t happening to me, I wouldn’t even believe it!

So, I’m still puzzling over this problem with the ACLU.  Truly, they think that the judge is a problem, but tell me that there’s nothing that can be done?  How stupid!

I am so frustrated with this system and the unfairness of it that I could just scream 24 hours a day!

The universe is failing


Wow! What an eye opener day this has been!  So, because they court writes the paperwork a certain way, they are allowed to garnish almost half of my paycheck for child support when the fed mandates that they can take no more than 25%.  When calling to inquire about this to the court, I am told that I cannot do anything about it because I don’t have a lawyer.  However, if I did have an attorney, this could easily be remedied by having my attorney call the court.  Acting as my attorney does not count.

To add insult to injury, I am told by the Indiana ACLU that there is nothing that they can do about the judge calling me names because “you can’t touch a judge”.  What sort of nonsense is this?  You can’t stop a judge from acting inappropriately?  This is crap.  This gives them license to do whatever they want without any sort of stop gap in place.  It is not fair that judges are allowed to act inappropriately, call people names, and levy ridiculous orders that are absolutely impossible for anyone to abide by.  Seriously, I am at this point contemplating quitting my job because I can’t pay child support and work as well.  It’s so frustrating and upsetting.  I work so hard so that the judge can take half my paycheck and give it to ex husband who makes $70,000 more a year than I do?  How is this fair.  A man who has never been current in child support and who never helped to pay a dime in medical bills for my son, a man who actually told a judge that he shouldn’t have to pay anything for my son because it was a privilege for my son to have him as a father?  The injustices just never stop.  Every bit of power has been exceeded here.  My case is rife with proof that “power corrupts, absolute power corrupts absolutely”.  No one wants to get involved or to stop what is happening.  No one cares what happens to one autistic person let alone two of us. No one cares what Scott has been allowed to do.  It’s outrageous and ridiculous!

I don’t know what else to say or do.  I feel so broken and overwhelmed at this point, that I am sure that nervous breakdown is just a few steps around the corner.  What do you do when you are pushed too far to save yourself?  I have written so many letters and emails that I feel as if my email has been blackballed for general purposes. It’s scary and sad to think of what is happening to me and more than likely a lot of others as well.

I know that I am only one voice and I know that it does not count.  So, dear readers, all two of you….any ideas?