Being the Bad Guy and Other Misguided Adventures in Coworker Relationships

For my faithful followers…all 2 of you (lol) I have been at a National Head Start conference in Washington DC.  Hence all of the DC pictures as well.

As always, this was stressful for me.  No one realises how stressful leaving home is for someone on the spectrum.  I think it’s probably 100 times more stressful than for neurotypical people.  I have to, of course, obsess over every little detail.  The thing that I worry about the most, believe it or not, is everyone getting along.  I know, it’s stupid.  But neurotypical people rarely worry about how people get along, they just do it and figure it out if a problem arises.  They’re is no way in hell that I can do this.  And unfortuneately, they don’t make a script for these things. 

Now for me, these things seem doubly stressful because it seems like to me that I somehow always screw up a relationshi0p with someone and have no freaking  idea how or what I screwed up.  True to form, this has happened again.  Except as far as I can tell, the stress seems mostly to be because I did not want to eat out with the others or because  I didn’t eat when they were eating.  I know that the weird kid thing comes in there someplace too, but I prolly won’t know what that connection is until I actually get a little further into this.

I am a very firm believer in people taking care of themselves and knowing what the thing is that they need to do to take care of themselves.  I do this and I kinna expect everyone else to do it, too.  Really, coworkers, I appreciate that you are concerned about where I am and that you have some demented  need to hang out in a herd.  I do not, though.  I’m not worried that you might be by yourself doing something and I’m REALLY not interested in hanging out like a bunch of lost cattle.  I don’t think that we all need to eat the exact same thing when we have 20 restaurants in a fairly centralized location.  And I’m positive that there is no reason for anyone to get huffy about it just because their little bubble was shifted.

Really, I don’t know why I’m so upset about this whole thing except that I am always worried that it will turn into some pick on the weird kid meeting.  Seriously, I have no inane need to talk about my feelings or to stand around for 20 minutes while you make a decision that is going to make me NOT want to be a part of the group.

I did try to be peaceful this whole time.  I tried to play nice and I tried to be patient but seriously, shifting a decision 30 times in as many minutes doesn’t work for me.  And by the way, just another hint for you neurotypical people in my audience….I’m not stressed just because I’m swaying while I wait.  I’m not a good waiter and this is how I cope with the stress of trying to wait.  It doesn’t mean that I’m upset or that I’m frustrated or anything.  It just means that I can’t wait and I need somehow to cope with my energy while I’m trying to wait.  Don’t interpret it as anything else.  I don’t even realise that I’m doing it.  All I know is that it keeps me from possibly strangling you while you are making a decision that is going to definitely make me want to strangle you.

So, needless to say, it’s been a difficult week.  It’s really weird to watch how some people internalize what I’m doing and own it then get upset and blame it on me that they didn’t have a good time.  Another hint.  Stop that stupidity.  I don’t always eat everything that other people do and it’s frustrating.  The food here as been an entirely other issue and all my allergies and sensitivities make it more frustrating.  I know you can’t understand why I am not eating and for some reason you feel personally responsible for my eating or not eating, but that is pointless.  I can’t help my food issues and it is not for you to decide if I’m just being difficult or disagreeable.  I can promise that I am.  At least in your eyes.

Please be assured that I have money and I will take care of myself however I need to.  It would be wonderful if you could do that as well without the attitude.  Truthfully, usually it doesn’t matter how much you shoot me those disapproving looks and make those cute little faces at each other.  I’m not going to get it.  Short of putting it on a sign and waving it in front of my face, I’m prolly just going to file it under shit that’s not my problem and move on.  You should too.