Bittersweet Trips and Weird Ghosts and Echoes 

It’s been a while, darling readers, I know. It’s been busy trying to stock the shop and keep it stocked. I’m always only half successful at that and then spent most of my time kicking myself for not working harder over the winter and swearing to myself that THIS winter will certainly be different. Hahahaha. 

So youngest daughter is finally getting married to the guy that she has been practically has long as her dad and I were together. She decided to do a destination wedding which has cleaned out what teeny bit of cushion I had. So here we are in Cancun. I am filled with all sorts of mixed feelings. In reality, I was afraid of the overwhelming stuff that was going to certainly come up and yell every moment of every day that the last time I was here was with Fix-it-guy. In fact we left the morning that Katrina hit. Which is a great story. Terrifying at the time. And damn lucky that we were on the last flight out.

So of course I had to leave in the middle of the night. I swear that is the only time planes leave the middle of fucking nowhere. And so being half exhausted and packing and repacking 10 times, I finally had what I thought was a good variety of clothes. It wasn’t. All the restaurants at this resort was casual dressy clothes for dinner and I only brought one hundreds that fits the bill. No capris at all. Just my one pair of jean shorts and 4 t-shirts and 3 tank tops. You can always order in, but that seems fucking pathetic. I brought 1 semi formal dress and the dress I brought for the wedding. One pair of super glitzy sandals. I guess I didn’t ask enough questions about what was appropriate. Sigh. Once again those fucking incomprehensible social norms just speed over me.

As I said, it has been a very mixed bag. I’m a simple girl. All the food is way over my paygrade. I’ve managed to find a few things that have not been awful. And a few things have been really good. We’ve discussed my food issues before. I’m not starving.

My room is amazing. Way too much for just me. The bed is huge. I have a private pool. I have a jacuzzi. I feel like a misrouted princess. It’s nice, but really makes me miss the Fix-it-guy. He would have adored this room. It is A. MAZE. ING. 

We had a catamaran trip today. It was amazing being on the boat in the sun and on the waves. I could seriously do that every day. I mean every one of them. It makes,you rethink every choice you have made in life. Funny how that works. I’m burnt to a crisp. And exhausted. Felt like a set of training wheels that have been raised too much. But you, know. That’s one of those things.  

Things you Don’t think about until you are in a sea of significant others and you are the lone single person. You ate not an octopus and it is really annoying to have to ask others to put sunscreen on you. You Don’t have anyone to share little moments with. You are just there trying to not look conspicuous. You have no one to eat dinner with. Or lunch. Or breakfast. And you Don’t want people to feel sorry for you  because truthfully, at some point, you have to make your peace with being in this place in life. And being introduced as Fixitguy’s widow is just awkward and weird for everyone. So welcome to my life. Lol.

So the big disaster of the weekend has been that I packed 10 balls of yarn to work on hats for the shop and no crochet hooks. I made a trip to Wal-Mart and found the only fucking one in the universe without crochet hooks. I may make one more try tomorrow. At least the plane trip home may not be a total wash. 

So tomorrow is the wedding. We will not have Fixitguy. Which will seem all sorts of strange. It also continues to feed that feeling inside of me that I just don’t belong in these places anymore. I am an echo among the ghosts of my old life.  I try to keep one foot there but the balance is off and I just feel dizzy. 

I have this feeling of needing to make decisions and I am overwhelmed with all the decisions feeling wrong. I am stuck in place and the world swirls around me. I wish I could find a place to be stuck that didn’t feel so stuck. It will come, I suppose. 

In the meantime, here is a picture of my little private pool. It doesn’t even look real.

And this is my view from my little veranda.