Waking up from Nightmares


Wow, this week has been a never ending roller coaster. The most bizarre thing happened Wednesday. My son, yes, dear reader, I said my son called me at work yesterday and left a message for me with a phone number to call him.
I absolutely felt as if someone had walked over my grave and I absolutely felt like my whole world was spiraling totally and completely out of control! I want to be happy and sad and angry and a whole bunch of other things all of the same time. My system feels like it’s working on overtime mode.
It was a good talk and we dealt with some yucky stuff, but it was absolutely amazing! I am reeling and whirling and alternately crying and wanting to jump up and down. I can’t even coherently put all of the thoughts together in one place.
So we are a few days into putting this relationship back together and it’s hard. Very hard.
I have a jillion questions and a jillion things I want to say. Some things I need to say, but can’t. Some things I need to know, but Kale doesn’t want to tell me.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I’m feeling angry about the situation and having him in there again brings up a lot of that anger. He isn’t really wanting me to be angry. He’s expecting me to not be angry and I am. I try not to be but it’s difficult. He acts like I have an equal amount of culpability here and I don’t. I was screwed and treated badly and denied my rights to be his parent. And somehow, he seems to think that I had some control over the situation and I didn’t. He doesn’t know what it’s like to walk into court and be called retarded because of my Asperger’s.
It’s hard to move things forward. I am so conflicted. I want to help him and take care of things, but I feel like I can’t jump in all out because I’m going to be hurt in this. I definitely have been through too much to have anymore crap on my plate.
It’s been up and down and all around. I don’t want to feel like he’s playing me against the middle. Some things have to be accomplished. I can’t help him if I’m giving his dad half my paycheck. I also don’t think it’s fair that his dad has made me out to be the bad guy. It’s definitely a bad feeling.
I also am upset that his dad has made him think that it’s not okay to have Asperger’s. I spent a long time making him okay with the way that he was. Now, I feel as if he isn’t quite so okay with it. I know that I needed that diagnosis to confirm that I wasn’t broken. Kale didn’t need it for that reason. He needed it to get him through school. He was confident enough in his own wonderfulness without it. But still it sort of feels as if he is spitting in my face. I know I have to get over that because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s happy with the way that he is.
It’s just that I spent a long time getting that diagnosis and had to fight with a lot of people and put up with just as many of them calling me crazy. So it feels like he thinks I’m crazy now, too. It also feels like I’m out here all by myself again. I know I’m not, but it feels like that.
So how do you put something back together with your child when you haven’t seen him in 4 years? How do you regulate all the crappy stuff inside of you so that it doesn’t come out as that? I don’t know either.
It definitely feels like there are places where nothing has changed and there are places where there are huge holes. There are places where it feels really great and there are places where it’s not so good.
I guess the impatience in me wants it all to be okay right NOW! It’s not that I want to go over all the old ground. I just feel like some things have to be said, done, dealt with. I hate leaving yucky stuff to be dealt with. I want it out of the way so that I can enjoy the good stuff.
Today I just feel confused. I suppose that’s normal. The Best Buy guy says it probably should feel confusing. I know I’m being a complete Asperger’s kid and having trouble reconciling all of my emotions and feelings. I know I’m just feeling overwhelmed because I haven’t dealt with any of these emotions and now I’m having to and that kind of sucks. I’m glad it’s for such a good reason, but it definitely makes me feel unsure.
So dear readers, how should I do this? What can I do? How do I move myself forward when I have so many questions and not answers? I don’t know either.

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Sucked into the abyss of drama


In the last couple of years, I’ve gotten pretty good at eliminating drama from my life.  I’ve become fairly effective at identifying the drama causers and getting them to back slowly away from the autistic girl.

Then there was a little bug that visited me and told me that my father had finally gotten fed up with my step mother’s drug abuse.  The true story is some Jerry Springer show topic.  The reality is that it impacts everyone.  As an adult I understand that I can pick and choose who I have relationships with and this does include the people that in previous parts of my life that I thought I “had” to maintain relationships with.  I have learned that sometimes the people that think you have to maintain relationships with them no matter what do not understand this choice.

I have watched many incidents of enabling in my life and this particular set of parents are the masters.  Removing myself from their situation has been one of the healthiest things that I have ever done for myself.

Now, dear and devoted readers, my problem is multifaceted and I have no road maps for dealing with it.  I want to be supportive without being dragged into the drama.  I know that this may be impossible.  There is still a lot of anger inside of me about what my father did in relation to my son.  I’m not going to be able to just jump over the fence and say, “Okay, I forgive you for sending the message to everyone involved that you agreed that there was something so broken inside of me that you felt that you needed to side with my ex husband on the relationship that I have with my son.”  That is not going to happen.

But I feel without my father’s enabling behaviour toward my step mother, I might be able to start putting some of the angry and hurt feelings aside.  I know for a fact that without her involved, I can put it all aside in time.  I understand the addiction behaviour beyond all reasoning, but it does not really make anything better. When you spend your life watching excuses being made for bad behaviour, you tend to be a little cynical about anyone’s ability to change the situation, including your own.

I feel for the situation.  It is very difficult to break up a marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.  And it only gets harder, the longer the marriage stays intact.  But when your own health is at jeopardy because of your situation, then that’s a problem.  I may not have been in very many healthy relationships in my lifetime, but I sure as hell know what a bad one looks like.

I guess in thinking about all of this, there are some things that I’ve thought about over and over.  Throughout all of the mess of the last almost 5 years, I have thought that I would regret not having relationships with some people in my life.  My son is primary.  The gap that his absence has left in my soul is immeasurable.  I will truly regret it if I do not at least start the process of  repairing things with my dad and something happens to him.

I seriously doubt my dad’s ability to fight dirty in this circumstance.  I know that unfortunately, my inability to understand how to fight dirty handicapped me far worse than my Asperger’s in my dealings with my ex.  Although, granted, my Asperger’s was probably what made this particularly difficult.  I doubt my dad’s strength in dealing with pure and unreined insanity.  There is no insanity that matches a drug addict in full force.

Probably none of us will ever know the true story.  I’m sure that there are parts of it, that I do not want to know.  I hope that my step mother gets help and that my dad stops enabling her and making excuses for her.  My dad is forever a “don’t make waves” kind of guy.  One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been his inability to accept that I’m just not a “maintain the status quo” sort of girl.  I’ve always been this way, I think.  I don’t look for ways to not be in the middle, but it sure looks like it’s awful far away.

It’s a difficult decision.  I don’t want to be sucked into all of the drama of this situation and I have no doubts that this is going to be bad.  And not, the kind of bad that makes you feel as if there is an inconvenience that you’d rather not be bothered with.  It’s going to be bad in the way that makes you think that the gates of hell have opened and showered it’s full force down on top of you.  When you have a family member living through this, how do you be supportive and not join the abyss?  I only know how to survive it.  I do not know how to help anyone else through it.  I do not even know how to survive it intact.  I certainly didn’t manage to do that at all.

Lately, I’ve been having thoughts that my dad is the bridge to my son.  I just don’t know how to get to that bridge.  I am so at a loss about what to do.  The Best Buy guy says stay the hell away from it.  And instinctively that’s what I want to do. It’s hard.

I guess all I can do is pray.  Now where’s the instruction manual for that?

As I think about all of the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my dad, I wish I could pick the thing that makes me the angriest.  But I think mostly, I feel sadness because my dad has truly missed out on what makes me a great person, by not understanding that I’m not that status quo in the middle girl.  Or maybe he understands it, but can’t get past it.

I wish that once in my life, my dad would have been proud of me because I fight for what I think is right and I say what’s on my mind.  Those aren’t bad qualities.  Sometimes it’s to my detriment that I say what’s on my mind, but I never regret that I did it.  Especially if I thought I was being wronged in the middle of all of it.

I don’t know what will become in this situation.  I guess I will wait and see.  It may be good or bad or it may just be in the middle which is what my dad will fight to maintain.