Notes from the Midwest Writer’s Workshop and Other Places Zombie Girls Might Thrive

I know that it’s been a little while, and I will get around to updating you. It’s been a very interesting and busy week including a little mini vacation. I wanted to fulfill my need to catalogue everything I see on some sort of notecard that I will tuck away in some dark and deep corner of my brain where I can access it later for what could turn out to be some illicit purpose.

I look around at the people who attend this writer’s conference and chuckle sardonically to myself. I want to interject here that I am much more relaxed at this particular conference than when I came here 2 years ago for the first time. Last time I came, I’d felt a little bit like I was trying to live up to some expectation that I couldn’t possibly ever live up to. This time, I just feel like going with it and trying to have fun, make good observations and learn something. I’m having lots of fun with observations today.

Today I am noticing that there is a little different crowd than was at the intensive sessions. Intensive sessions are all day classes on a specific topic. I had wanted to get in the manuscript makeover class, but Best Buy guy didn’t give me the money (as my birthday present) in time, so there were no slots open. I had to pick something else that may or may not have been helpful. In retrospect, it was only slightly in the may be helpful category. I would have been happier if I’d actually read the teacher’s stuff. I hadn’t. I also hadn’t read anything that anyone talked about during the entire session. Sigh. It was a long road with the promise of taking an idea to some semblence of fruition. In this class, there was a bullish man who tried to interject his ideas (none of them very good or very well thought out) into everything. He did this in a way that tried to warp everything into some strange Frankenstein monster of an idea. I did not enjoy that. I didn’t care enough to interject my own thoughts, I had decided to just go with the flow. I know, completely contrary to my normal autistic stance.

I look around today and see a few of those faces from yesterday, but I also see a few pretend people. That is to say, people who have an idea in their heads of what “real writers” look like, and they try to look like that. In other words, there’s some cosplay looking stuff going on here. A few examples: a guy with a steampunky waxed into curls mustache, a woman with an ostrich plume in her hair, a girl with a little 20’s inspired outfit, complete with flapper hat. It’s definitely an interesting group with a diverse idea of what being a writer means. There are lots of degrees of pretentiousness here which is a whole different range of scary.  I love it.

No Answers in the Land of the Not Quite Right Today!

I’ve been thinking a lot about happiness lately. I agree with Penelope Trunk that happiness is more about satisfaction than any measure of happiness per se. Here is a link to her blog and she posts about this question fairly often, so you’re sure to happen on one without reading too far in.

After my doctor’s appointment yesterday, I’m still feeling someone frustrated in general because we still have very few answers outside of what’s NOT wrong with me. The lupus panel came back negative, so we are back to square one. Which is we have no idea what’s going on with me. The FNP did have input on it maybe being a severe food or environmental allergy. “All aboard the Here We Go Rollercoaster, first stop Complete Uncertainty followed by Complete Non-Direction and quickly followed by What’s the Next Step? stations. Please keep your hands and head in the car at all times and please do not pull the emergency stop cord as this will completely derail your car and force a do over.”

After having a nice “reflective” chat with my supervisor, I am thinking in all sorts of directions. I’m feeling pretty consistently burnt out lately and I know that it’s because of all of these unknowns in our lives right now. I’m not feeling positive about anything in my life right now and I don’t like being in that place. I think that I need to clear my head out, so I’m thinking of a vacation. Sigh. Maybe the week of the Midwest Writer’s Conference ( will revitalize me in soul and brain.

I feel like I’m surrounded by snipes right now, too. I sometimes hate cube farms. For someone on the spectrum this situation is a giant morass of OMG! and trying to interpret every word/thought/action/etc and how it relates back. I’ve become very withdrawn on a lot of faces, but still trying to stay afloat. I think so much about the possibilities of things lately and where opportunities are leading or not leading. As you can probably tell, dear reader, I’m not feeling like I have many opportunities that are actually leading anywhere.

I haven’t been able to get my brain in gear to write lately, either. Not being creative frustrates me. It always has. So maybe taking a week off to just be creative will help. The Best Buy guy continues to stack things up in my creative rooms, so I can’t even get in there to be creative. I am definitely feeling as if I have no control over anything in my life right now and the things that I do have control over are hit and miss because I have to ration my energy to deal with all the stuff that is out of my control.

Serenity is extremely far away today…..

Hurry Up and Wait and Other Methods For Putting Off the Future

We’ve had lots of waiting in our lives lately. It has been a very challenging time in our lives. First and foremost we are on the edge of possibly finding out what’s going on with my health. Around Memorial Day, I woke up one morning with no peripheral vision on my right side. $500 and 3 trips to the eye doctor, one of which was in Lafayette, and a random blood test, there are still no answers and varying degrees of loss of vision depending on the day. It mostly seems to depend on how I feel that day. Kind of a sucky trade off, I know. The eye doctor in Lafayette, who charged me $250 up front before he would even look at me and then did a half assed examination of my eye that was not anywhere close to what my eye doctor here in Marion had done, had no better answers for me except that it was “expanded blind spot syndrome and lots of people with this have lupus”.

We scheduled something called an ERG with a doctor in Carmel and waited some more. This is exactly why you should ask lots of questions about tests and why tests are necessary. The random blood test that they did here in Marion that actually precipitated this trip to Lafayette turned out to be our first clue. It was called a sed rate test. This basically measures how quickly your red blood cells fall in a test tube in a specific amount of time. This shows inflammatory activity in your body. Apparently mine was sky rocket high. I finally went to my regular doctor in the middle of all this, basically to see if I actually needed to have this ERG done, which I found out was a MRI of my eye. After 3 doctors had told me that there was nothing wrong with my eye, they wanted me to go and get an MRI? No, thank you. The nurse practitioner that I finally ended up with took about 3 gallons of blood and ran about every test imanginable. She is thinking lupus as well.

After last week’s round of blood test, I have good kidney and liver function. My ANA which is another test that they wanted done that basically is a snapshot in a moment of time of antibody activity was normal. This is not necessarily indicative of anything, though. It basically tells us if there’s a reason to run the lupus screen, but my smart cookie of a FNP decided to just run that regardless. Rheumatoid was high but normal. Vitamin D was low and calcium was low. Yay for menopause! So now I have a prescription for the ever present nauseau and a Vitamin D supplement. Then there was another antibody test that high normal was a 4 and mine is like 16.

There are no answers here. Sigh. So now we are waiting for all of the other various screening panels to come back. I hope that there will be some answers at my appointment today. Waiting and waiting. Best Buy guy is trying to be patient. We feel like we are on the cusp of so many things that are going to change our lives completely that we don’t know what to do. We are definitely feeling caught in a tailspin.

Wee Geek moved into his own apartment last week. I have so many reservations/feelings about this that I just try to keep them to myself and hope that fate works out a little better for him. Of course, I am still livid that the system that supposedly was protecting my son did little but screw us both royally.  He is angry and defiant and having a pretty shitty attitude about the whole thing, but coping and moving forward. Why I was ever silly enough to think that the system would actually work for us in the end, is completely beyond me. I hope that the voter’s of Delaware County are very aware of Kim Dowling’s record of protecting child abusers and assholes before they make her a judge. She has a very long record of working for what essentially looks like the common evil. I’ve seen her in action personally and I’ve watched her work on others. It’s truly a wonder, but not a good one. She is as crooked as they come. It helps that she’s managed to get lots of judges snowballed into believing that she is actually spouting the truth when in reality, it is only the truth as she sees it. This does not necessarily reflect even the slightest hint of reality. She truly has the gift of dressing a pig up in fine clothing.

I just feel badly that Wee Geek is the one that has paid for it. It’s a very hard lesson in what is right. His dad once again was patted on the back for stealing from him and making everyone miserable to match his own miserable self. It’s sad that the system felt that money and an expensive and crooked lawyer equalled justice. Sigh.

I’m glad that Wee Geek is moving forward. He’s had a rough go of it this last year and I am planning something in the back of my brain for the one year anniversary of returning to my life. I have been thinking about this quite a lot lately. His dad worked really hard to ruin the relationship that we had, and he didn’t manage to do anything of the sort. I knew in my heart that his godmother was right. I had him for 15 years, I put a lot of good things into that child in that time. I see it every day. He never resorts to the lessons that his dad tried to teach him because they were not good lessons. They were just little circles of hatred and malice that should never be repeated. Wee Geek knows what makes a good person a good person and he really strives to do the right thing most of the time. Of course, he’s 20 and he often thinks with his male appendage, but overall, I think he is successful in doing what is fair. I’m glad that I managed to teach him these things.

There are big changes on the horizon and I will continue to move forward. I do not know today what it all looks like or even what it might look like in the future. It’s a little scary. Sometimes though, this is the route to take. The path of the unknown. The path of moving forward no matter what it might actually mean. Sigh. One thing is for certain, though. Updates are imminent.