The pending year and the year in review…

So, for those of you who are used to my sardonic wit and sarcastic sense of humour, I’m sure, as always that you will not  be disappointed in the list.  It’s not as if I could live without having either of those two things.

I really thought this year would be different.  I thought that Kale would turn 18 and want to come home.  I underextimated the power of my ex’s abusiveness.  I thought that I had raised him  to be strong.  I forgot that without the support of someone who actually believes he is strong, that the way I raised him kinna goes in the bin.  I forgot how my ex can demoralize you and make you believe that you are crap and he is god.  Without me to balance out the abuse and to love him without strings, there was no chance for him to come out unscathed.

So it has been very disappointing that I missed this important milestone in his life of turning 18 and then I missed the chance to help him look at colleges and get him ready to go.  I missed his senior year.  I feel like I missed alot and I will never get any of that time back with him.  I did get to see him graduate, but then was told that I had no right to be there and that if he’d lived with us still he never would have graduated. What a crock of crap.

I had no recourse but to file an appeal on my case.  I had hoped it would be solved by the end of the year, but again, I am sitting in limbo waiting for someone else to make a decision.  Autistic kids are not good waiters.

The stress of this year has been unbelievable.  I feel as if there are so many things that are up in the air in my life right now.  It’s not a comfortable feeling at all.

I gave up hoping for things a long time ago, don’t get me wrong in all of this.  However, I thought that it was about time for a change.  In everything.  Maybe 2011 will be that year.  I don’t know.  I am looking forward to having this book get finished and out the door to its next logical step.

I’ve ranted about a lot of things this year. I’ve had some triumphs this year.  Well, not triumphs in the grand sweeping vista of the Olympics or anything.  So, maybe I’ve just had a few minor victories.  It’s been another year is probably the only thing that I can say for sure.

This year, I am looking forward to this case being over in one way of another.  At this point, I would be okay with them saying that no one owes anyone anything at least on the Scott front.  I need something more on the Kale front.  It’s so difficult to have been as close as we were and then to have him ripped from me without any means of keeping our relationship together.

It amazes me how when Kale didn’t want to visit with my ex, I was keeping him from doing it and putting ideas in his head.  But when my ex kept him from visiting with me, he was protecting him from me and how I had this incredible ability to make Kale mentally ill. I’m pretty sure he’s not mentally ill, and even if he was, it is not because of anything that I did.  It also amazes me how in a CHINS case through CPS there are things that must be done in order to ensure that there is still a relationship between parent and child.  This is not so in family court.  Family court is allowed to make decisions based on ridiculous claims.

I reflect on all of this in the last few hours of 2010.  I reflect that there is a gigantic hole in my heart where my son used to be.  It’s absolutely heart rending.  I guess that it doesn’t have to change, but I certainly wish that it would.  I miss the place in my heart that used to have Kale in it.  And there is nothing that can replace him.  I hate that I’ve missed all of these milestones in his life that should have been mine.  I did all of the hard work and Scott got to take all the credit.  Seems to be the only thing he’s good at.  Taking credit for other people’s work.  He’s too lazy to do anything for himself.  I have realised a few very important things this year as well. 

You might think that I would hate Scott after all he’s put me and Kale through, but I don’t.  You have to care about someone in order to hate them and I stopped caring about Scott a long time ago.  I also realised that he has no control over me anymore.  He thinks he does, but he doesn’t really.  I mean, indirectly, he does.  He’s getting half my paycheck, so he’s in control of my finances to some extent.  He controls Kale so he controls my happiness to some extent, but really.  He cannot make me do or not do anything anymore.  That is such a wonderful little piece of heaven that I cannot even begin to describe it to you. I also confirmed that none of this is about Kale for Scott.  It’s all about getting back at me.  I can’t fathom at this point how Scott could still care about me enough to hurt me as deeply as he has tried to.

This year has been full of severing relationships  and building others.  It has been full of lost hope and strengthening of character.  It has been full of about everything but some of the things that I really wanted it to be about.

I’ve tried to make it about the things it should be about.  Credit to me.  I’ve read lots of good books.  I’ve seen a few good movies.  I’ve gotten to know my coworkers in new ways and learned how to work with them better.  I’m getting closer to making decision in my life that need to be made.  I’m getting more comfortable with knowing who I am and what that means. 

Of course, things are complicated and they make me want to scream out loud in fury at times.  But it doesn’t do any good really.  No one hears autistic kids screaming in the forest, I’ve tried it.

I guess the one thing that I want this year is a resolution between me and Kale.  I suppose that we will never have the bond that we once did.  However, I want to have some sort of connection.