Why the holidays should be cancelled


Everyone who knows me knows that I haven’t always been such a bah humbug about the holidays in general.  It used to start with Halloween.  We’d plan all through September what the porch was going to look like, start buying stuff as soon as it hit the stores and get it done.  Then we would roll into the fall and Thanksgiving and then on Thanksgiving day start planning the Christmas decorating and actually do it all over the weekend.

I can’t stand the holidays anymore.  Kale’s whole life, it was me and him getting excited about the holidays and doing it.  Now, it’s just me and this demented Best Buy guy who only cares because he wants to show off for his kids.

I guess I’m just angry about the whole thing.  I haven’t had a lot of things to get excited about in my life, and now there’s just nothing.  The Best Buy guy always puts a damper on the holidays because he spends way too much and I’m always left sitting here like a pauper.  I guess it’s the second class citizen treatment I get at the holidays, too.  It’s all about spending more money on his kids then their mom it seems like.  Now that she spends $50 and says go to hell, it seems like it would go down, but it hasn’t stopped.  And then there’s the albatross because god forbid someone who should have been out of our lives 15 years ago feel like they don’t belong.

I know, it sounds bitter.  Really I just miss Kale and I’m very angry because I can’t even say it to anyone.  If I say it, the Best Buy guy acts like it’s his fault.  God forbid we take on a little personal responsiblity for acting like some one else’s kid is more deserving of decent treatment than a kid who lives in your own house.

So, I sit here and watch the horror of my life unfold.  I have to put up with Super Dad and Mr. Parent Over Achiever and try to stay sane.  This is why I don’t decorate anymore.  He would just go overboard.  We certainly don’t need anymore of  that around here. 

I know he doesn’t mean to make me feel bad.  Sometimes though it just feels like he doesn’t do much of anything to make me feel any better either.  I just want the holidays to slip by and no one notice them.  Or at least make it so that I don’t have to deal with it in major impact status like now.  Let’s not even mention putting my nervous system into major overdrive trying to deal when it already can’t deal.  I always feel like I’m on the verge of freaking meltdown during these things.  No, I don’t get to see my son, I don’t even get to talk to him.  His dad is an asshole and has him blocked off from me entirely.  Worse, he lied to the system that should have protected me and Kale from him to do all of this.  There should be a special kind of hell, but there isn’t.  At least not tthat I’ve seen.  If we believe in all the hype, he’ll get his but it doesn’t really matter if I don’t get to see it, now does it?  It’s not truly retribution without my participation, is it?

Why it can’t just be a quiet little day off, I don’t know.  I know how I protect myself in the middle of it all.  I’m going to kick out NaNo.  I’ve got 9000 words left and it’s going to get well under way starting today.  I’m sure my husband isn’t watching the time and I’m going to have to get him going on his own freaking big deal.  See, it’s just neverending horror.

I just want to watch tv in my jammies all day.  I don’t want to deal with anyone else’s drama.  There’s enough in my life.  I don’t need yours.  Pray that my son grows a brain and some balls and gets away from his dad.  Pray that something goes my way for once.  It seems like it might finally be time.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Lois Baldridge-Roseberry
    Nov 26, 2010 @ 00:47:52

    Hey Katey,

    I am so sorry all this is going on. I think getting caught up in the holiday bustle is only for those who are hyped up on all the hype surrounding the holidays.
    I’m in such agreement with you regarding sharing a quiet day watching movies or reading or just napping. Seems the deeper spirituality these holidays represent has been buried. God probably says, “Here we go again……, sound and fury but no substance”. This year my family got together with some members missing which was a heartache. I asked my nephew to say the blessing and then for each person to say what they are thankful for before diving into food and conversation and football. The things said were about family…. how thankful we are for each other. One of our members is terminally ill with cancer throughout and was unable to travel to join us. Other members didn’t pull it together to make the journey… but everyone makes their own choices and lives with the results of those choices. Some though are affected negatively even though they didn’t choose what someone else did.
    They just get the short end of the stick. Relationships are tough to be in and take a great amount of work to get communication flowing in a way that is understood and respected by all involved. You can’t change other people, just your reactions and responses to them so you can function and have a sense of well being because you are grounded in who you are and what you choose to define your parameters in which you live and love.
    My pastor told me a bit of wisdom when I was struggling. Have lower or no expectations of others. That can be a huge challenge to accomodate in relationships. I have attempted to reduce my expectations of others and to an extent my expectations of the God I serve… God the Father, Son, Holy Spirit, true and living God according to the Holy Bible. This meaning I tell God everything and accept what He gives me, be it yes, no, maybe, not yet. I do become disappointed when the no, maybe, not yet’s are given. I am OK with the belief that God sees the bigger picture and He loves me enough to guide me to what He has for my life…. even when it isn’t what I think I wanted. It is a way of thinking that goes against everything our current society says…. you deserve what you want, get it now, you are supposed to have things go your way etc..
    Peoples values conflict and then chaos reigns. Evil and Good co-exist. God says He is in charge and in control. People say both that God is in control and that there is no God. How to reconcile one’s thought life with the value system one holds? If you sit on a fence with a leg on either side there is conflict. That too is a choice with consequences.
    I’ve said all this just to say that once a choice to think a way that gives you peace of mind is made, you can center yourself and carry on regardless of the circumstances around you.
    We are spiritual beings who live in these bodies of flesh. There is a God-given need within each person to seek spiritual fulfillment.
    I hope this note gives you support from me, for I value your friendship and I’d like to see you know peace and happiness in your days. You are in my prayers. Blessings to you.
    Lois

    Reply

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