No cookie cutter people here and other trench stories


Today Wee Geek called and worried over being different. He said that sometimes he hated that he didn’t think like other people. This is a legitimate complaint. No one wants to be the weird guy. Not understanding social cues sucks sometimes. That’s just the way our lives are.  He wished he was a cookie cutter boy.

So 5 years of his dad denying his Asperger’s did served to do nothing for anyone but Scott. He can pat himself on the ass that he was able to ignore the issues and he does not have to say that Wee Geek is broken. On the other hand, Wee Geek has lost 5 valuable years of documentation of his disability. He has essentially been deemed as ineligible for services that would be very valuable to him.

This frustrates me more than anything else. Had he still been with us, he would have been through the VR process and be getting the services that would be helpful. I don’t understand this monumental show of complete and utter selfishness. All so you can say what a good dad you are. Good job, ex husband, you’re an asshole.

So in the midst of this I watched the new Kieffer Sutherland show “Touch”. This was a brilliant show and obviously done by some one who is pretty familiar with the more intimate aspects of living on, near, or vaguely in the vicinity of the spectrum. It reminded me that our brain functioning is truly a gift. We think in pictures and patterns. And to us, it makes no sense to think linearly.  Everything is connected. You just have to know where, when, and how to look for those connections. Patterns are irrefutable and prolly explain why we are so bound by routines. The patterns are so comfortable and secure.

There also seems to be a lot of people making connections between people on the spectrum and electromagnetic waves. This is interesting to me. It could explain why patterns affect us so deeply. It may also explain why we are so drawn to them. It is definitely research worth watching.

I hope that Wee Geek starts to remember what a wonderful piece of machinery his brain is. Cookie cutter people are boring. One thing that you can say about living in the land of the not quite right is that we are NEVER boring!

Sometimes it’s hard to keep his head up. It seems as if all the odds are stunningly stacked against him. I’m amazed that he can stay steady at all some days. I admire how strong he is. He’s turned out to be a he’ll of a kid. I am a very lucky mom.

No cookie cutter people here and other trench stories


Today Wee Geek called and worried over being different. He said that sometimes he hated that he didn’t think like other people. This is a legitimate complaint. No one wants to be the weird guy. Not understanding social cues sucks sometimes. That’s just the way our lives are.  He wished he was a cookie cutter boy.

So 5 years of his dad denying his Asperger’s did served to do nothing for anyone but Scott. He can pat himself on the ass that he was able to ignore the issues and he does not have to say that Wee Geek is broken. On the other hand, Wee Geek has lost 5 valuable years of documentation of his disability. He has essentially been deemed as ineligible for services that would be very valuable to him.

This frustrates me more than anything else. Had he still been with us, he would have been through the VR process and be getting the services that would be helpful. I don’t understand this monumental show of complete and utter selfishness. All so you can say what a good dad you are. Good job, ex husband, you’re an asshole.

So in the midst of this I watched the new Kieffer Sutherland show “Touch”. This was a brilliant show and obviously done by some one who is pretty familiar with the more intimate aspects of living on, near, or vaguely in the vicinity of the spectrum. It reminded me that our brain functioning is truly a gift. We think in pictures and patterns. And to us, it makes no sense to think linearly.  Everything is connected. You just have to know where, when, and how to look for those connections. Patterns are irrefutable and prolly explain why we are so bound by routines. The patterns are so comfortable and secure.

There also seems to be a lot of people making connections between people on the spectrum and electromagnetic waves. This is interesting to me. It could explain why patterns affect us so deeply. It may also explain why we are so drawn to them. It is definitely research worth watching.

I hope that Wee Geek starts to remember what a wonderful piece of machinery his brain is. Cookie cutter people are boring. One thing that you can say about living in the land of the not quite right is that we are NEVER boring!

Winter has hit the Land of the Not Quite Right….Finally


It’s a little late. But Winter has finally hit the land of the not quite right. Amazingly enough. We are frozen more than solid and it’s colder than if hell had given up its lease and became a Fridgidaire dealership. It was inevitable and bound to happen, I suppose.

All things are frozen in the Land of the Not Quite Right. The C-Span wars have temporarily been suspended. Only after reminding the Best Buy guy that I know where we keep the sharp things. There were some comments made about my touchiness over the telly, but in reality, I just don’t see the point in flipping the channel every time there’s a commercial and then I end up missing half the show I was watching. It’s stupid. I have damn few other things in the universe that I actually enjoy, why work so freaking hard to take those things away from me? It feels very counter productive. Of course, the BB guy’s standing mode of operation has been that it’s so much easier to piss off the one that you live with, you only have to live with her after all. Stupidity runs rampantly through my house some days.

Wee Geek is somewhat more on kilter. He went back to work for one. So he’s feeling somewhat more on schedule now. People just don’t get how important those little bits of stability are in the world of Asperger’s. We thrive on those little schedules that we build into our lives and we have to have them. We don’t always like them and occasionally we even work at odds against them, but we desperately need them to function. Wee Geek is no exception and the constant stress that has been so wonderfully provided by his asshole father in the last few months has not helped at all. People on the spectrum cannot function with their brains in constant stress. It’s not kind to our systems. Wee Geek isn’t holding up as well as I want him to but he’s also doing much better than I ever expected. I just keep giving him little bits and keep trying to keep him focused on the big picture goals of the universe. The big picture of this entire thing is that he is giong to make it through this and when he is done, it will point it in the direction of what his next step should be.

I have some faith in the universe that this is the way things operate. Everything happens for some reason and we are always pointed in the direction of the path we should be on. Some times we veer off the path and take a different road for awhile. Mainly when we know that’s the road and we are trying to avoid it. I avoided the road that I’m now on for 20 years. Part of it was trying to avoid admitting to myself what I was. Avoiding that I was different and still dreaming about being “normal” or at least fitting in. Pipe dreams are wonderful things, but rarely come to fruition. Part of it was not dealing with what my true talent in life is and swimming in it. I have quite a few talents, but there are some things that I am so much more amazingly good at and that I should just stick with.

I have faith that Wee Geek knows his talents and that he will go with them. I am trying to guide him in that direction so that he doesn’t waste 20 years looking for his way back on the road. It’s a very demented yellow brick road phenomena. As he grows, I realise that the destiny I ws always meant for was to guide him on a path that did not mirror my own. My path sucked and it was long and hard and filled with lots of unnecessary side steps. I want his road to be easier. But then again, he’s a spectrum kid and it is almost inevitable that it will not be. Sucks to be a spectrum kid sometimes.

He was also very upset when his dad didn’t even bother to message him on his birthday. He feels so utterly abandoned and there is nothing that I can do to make that feel better at all. His dad has forever used him to get back at me for whatever the current imagined injustice he is harbouring and now he is no longer useful. Wee Geek is very cognizant of this and it weighs on his conciousness very heavily, I think. I try to keep his head up and he does too. He constantly says that his dad told him he’d never be able to survive on his own because he was such a huge pathetic loser, but he’s doing it. That’s a really big deal. Especially for him. I just keep pumping him up and telling him how proud I am of him. It’s very sad when your relationship with someone is based solely on power. It’s sad when you use that power to make them feel like they don’t deserve to live. Even worse when you use that power to make them think that they are nothing without you. I’m so glad that Wee Geek stood up for himself and showed that he could do things without his dad hanging over his shoulder and belittling him.

Wee Geek did post something about his dad not bothering to tell him happy birthday on face book and got a huge backlash from his dad’s wife’s family. Boy, does he have them snowballed. I wish I had the money that all this super villian-dom should be affording me. He actually has them all believing that he’s some great guy. Wee Geek was told that if he would just apologise to his dad and move back home then all would be forgiven. What a crock of crap! What does my son have to be apologetic for except for having an ass for a father? Why should he apologise for being a victim of a sociopathic whach job. If his dad his so freaking great, why isn’t he doing his part of the job? The backlash of all of this, of course, is that his dad will then run around playing the victim about how unfair it is that he has to pay for all this stuff. If he’d let the case switch to Ohio, this wouldn’t have been an issue. I have such nasty and hateful words in my reportoir for that judge. My kid never gets to come out ahead on anything.

The good news is that I started remapping the zombie story last week and today…miracle upon miracle…but prolly more attributable to the fact that I rarely throw anything away and because electronic files take so much less space than real things…well, I have saved it indefinitely because I’m a collector and I can’t bear things to disappear. I knew that there was a good chance that the electronic file was still somewhere. I tried the netbook and of course, I had transferred it because of the netbook’s little memory. I haven’t invested in an external drive, yet. I suppose that will have to be my next big purchase for the author branding. And a tablet. In the interest of rambling, I found the files and got them printed. I now have printed copies of both zombie novels. Now, the decision remains whether they should remain two novels or become one good super novel.

I’m fueled by the posting on Zombie Fiend this week that 2012 is the year of the girl zombie author. What better girl to put a notch on that title than your very own Autie Zombie Girl? Well, no one of course. I will be making some of those decisions this week, I think. I really am excited about getting back into the rewriting/editing part of this. I really want this novel out the door in the next few weeks. Unfortuneately, my job is not conducive to thinking when I get home. I usually just want to veg out and do nothing. Lately I’ve been doing cross stitch again. And watching Netflix. Not productive on the whole, but relaxing.

When I figure out what path the zombie novel is taking, I will report. In the meantime, use your evil powers for good.

The Great Cspan Wars and Other Tales of Strife


There have been many wars in our house lately. I know I’m losing them. I’m not stupid enough to think that anything I have to say would ever over rule an ex wife, a kid who shouldn’t be, or a daughter. I suppose the time of all this (cough and sputter) gloriousness os about at its end.

I pride myself for not living under any kind of delusions and for being very honest with myself. I know that I will never rank as high as anyone with blonde hair or who was actually born with the Best Buy Guy’s last name. Nor apparently anyone who he gave his last name no matter how deviously this name was obtained.

The start of this strife was an ex wife’s phone call begging for money. Don’t worry dear reader, that phone number has once again been blocked from our phones. I wouldn’t have minded except for a few minor issues. Number one being that this is not kid’s mother asking for money. I’m sure they make more than we do. It’s insulting. More insulting is the response of the BB Guy in agreeing. This was moment’s after telling me that IF he still had a job in February then maybe we would go do something special for our 10th anniversary. Really? Then don’t send money out the door to a complete stranger. It’s so frustrating. More frustrating when his stupidity rears up and he tells me that we don’t have money together so he can do whatever he wants with his money.

All I can say is WOW! My idiotic moronic ass clown of a spouse has reached a new plateau of stupidity. It’s amazing. More amazing that when I suggested he tell eldest daughter that he had to reduce what he was giving her for the wedding by that amount he agreed that was reasonable. I can’t begin to fathom how fucking stupid this point in my life is. No one wins in this situation. A wedding website has come out as well. Most significantly embarrassing is that we are all pretending to embrace not kid, but still no one knows how to refer to her. I believe she was referred to as “another of my father’s daughters”. Another wow escapes my lips. On the tail of the BB guy telling me he’d give me $100 for Wee Geek’s school to shut me up. See the rampant insanity has taken root!

On the front of Wee Geek I have been on the phone with the lawyer’s office every day for 2 weeks. I don’t know if it’s getting me anywhere, but it certainly is serving to raise my frustration levels beyond nuclear.  School went back this week, but Wee Geek is not there. Still nothing has been resolved. Of course. However, my exes whore lawyer is taking me to court in March to re-evaluate my income. No one addresses the amount of child support I’ve overpaid. No one addresses the ridiculous amount of legal fees that I’m having garnished. No one addresses that my kid is not in school and that his dad is not helping with his living expenses in any way. But by god let’s make sure the whore lawyers get their money. I’m sure this is more about my ex finding out about the book. I’m sure I’m a millionaire now. At least I will be when they are done telling their story.

There seems to be a new judge. I don’t know if this is going to be any better, but I somehow doubt it. It’s never made a difference before. One legal figure in Delaware county is as crooked as the next one.

Note to self don’t divorce the current husband there. It feels like we are barreling toward that direction. All our conversations involve fighting about Cspan lately. I’m sick and tired of fucking Cspan because I realize that all ass clowns in charge are still ass clowns. It doesn’t matter who they say they are affiliated with or what they claim to stand for. They same evil monkeys are pulling the puppet strings and nothing changes because of this. I hate politics. I hate the news. Our tv has been on these inane things every day for weeks. I don’t care what they are promising. It will not change. So tonight the Cspan wars erupted into me being told to shut my fucking mouth and the clicker being thrown across the room. There won’t be any apologies. I’m supposed to start arguing politics and care. I do not. It’s pathetic that 12 years is being reduced to a war over channels on a box. It really boils down to me having to deal with the stressful and awful situations I deal with all day and wanting to come home and just watch nothing. That stupid stuff that doesn’t have to be thought about. It’s nice to not have to solve someone’s problem for five minutes. Silly, I know.

The biggest oddity in my life this week was my Wee Geek turning 20. Who knew? A year ago, I thought I’d never have another birthday with him. BB Guy and I drove over and hung out with old high school friends on Saturday night and then hung out with my mom until Wee Geek decided to show up for birthday lunch. Little did I know that he was waiting for his dad to acknowledge him. He never did. Typical Scott. Wee Geek feels abandoned and angry. I feel angry. It all just sucks lately.

I’m feeling frustrated because I’m not getting any writing done at night. That need to decompress at night is so overwhelming that nothing else can find its way out of my brain. The storyboard is looking gorgeous, however. Even if I can’t find any of the incarnations of the story that I want to work on. I hate the thought of starting over from complete scratch!

I know I’ve been grouchy and bitchy in this posting. I’m sorry. Sometimes you have to vent and obviously I have few chances here in the lovely paradise of the land of the not quite right.

It’s the End of the World as we know it and other Autistic New Year Adventures


So here we sit on the very brink of a new year. Because the Best Buy guy failed to plan we have been driving around Dipshitville looking for shit to do. Let me tell you exactly how boring small town America is when most of the bars have closed because no one has a freaking job…or did you guess?

So I have been devoting some time thinking about this year. Christmas was a bust for everyone I think. Wee geek was so excited to go to my family’s and it was nothing close to what he remembered. My drug addict step mother was more annoying than usual, but possibly because tensions were already riding in the that strange place of uncertainty that could suddenly spiral desperately out if control and holds the promise of uncertain oblivion. The bright spot if that little spires being the white elephant gift swap in which my drug addict step mother acquired my coconut monkey head that we got at the Don Jo Restaurant in Hawaii. She was pissed! It was lovely. Now all boring or tension relief needing conversations are punctuated with “And Cheryl got the monkey head” also followed with several high fives.

The little get together at my on laws fared little better. I was once again the bitch and bad guy in residence because the Best Buy forgot purposefully to talk to his daughter about her dog and my allergies. It absolutely amazes me at the sheer level of inconsideration that his kids are allowed to show on a regular basis. We had to have the argument about how my allergy wasn’t just going to go away because they say the dog is hypo allergenic and how even if I’m the only one who has a problem it is still a problem. The Best Buy guy astounds me in his willingness to piss me off on a more than regular basis and his unwillingness to make a daughter upset. This has become a way less than endearing trait on him.

So having Wee Geek home over Christmas was wonderful. In all the insanity of getting things done for him there had been no chill out hang out time and that was awesome. I enjoyed just having him home with no agenda other than enjoying him. I think the Best Buy guy is having some adjustment issues. He did give Wee Geek $40 and that was nothing short of amazing.

In reflecting in this last year and groping for highlights outside of my new found addiction to the show “Hoarders”, I reach back to my son contacting me and our relationship being mostly intact and my story getting published. It doesn’t seem like very much athirst glance, but it was actually all my dreams coming true in just a few short weeks.  Of course, the planning of the Best Buy guys retirement, which he is desperately hoping is my writing. We’ll see how that pans out for him.

As I sit hear pondering what 2012 might bring, I have many hopes. I am busily planning out the finishing of the Boller County book and rethinking “The Land of the Not Quite Right”. Anxious to get back to “The Mothman Chronicles” and finish it up. It feels as if it somehow got lost in NaNo and I hope to get it back on track.

2012 is currently looking bright enough for shades. We shall see what happens. It is now only 8 minutes away and I have a wonderful buzz happening with a little surprise for the Best Buy guy for when we get home. I think he’ll be pleasantly ingratiated.

And in case I forgot which I’m sure I did. Happy New Year. Go out and slay a dragon and make a dream come true.