Post Wedding Apocalypse and Other Fallout

The heat hangs heavy in our house like velvet drapes around our bed and sleep eludes me. So it must be time for another blog. Finally! The first of the kids is out the door and off into whatever passes for wedded bliss these days. Although I have worried obsessively that Wee Geek would be the first, this has not been the case.

I have felt like the outsider perpetually looking in at an extremely bizarre passion play. This process has made an indelible impression on the Best Buy guy and I. He has struggled with lots if things and it has been painful and joyful all at the same time.

I have never seen the BB guy in a tux. He completely left me out of it all. He did it all himself and I did not see him in it until the day. He cleans up nicely and I don’t think I have ever seen him so puzzled nor so handsome. The man was at a loss and I had to dress him. Just like always we got through the hardest parts together.

The BB guy’s ex-wife has did a lot to make me feel included. It has brought up so many emotions for me that I feel overwhelmed with trying to pinpoint one. It was still a moment of disconnectedness and watchfulness. It was interesting to watch at any rate.

The BB guy has roller coasted from proud to feeling like a walking wallet. The skirmishes here have all involved money and he has become very sad over the reality of that. He has been left with a sour taste that nothing he has done has been good enough for his children in their own eyes. This especially resonates with us in reflection of Wee Geek who is acutely aware of the things that are done for him. What a difference having that chunk of time forcefully removed from us has made. Things have not been easy for him, this is assured. No one is paying his way through life and his father does not feel obligated toward anyone but himself.

I watched this wedding with amusement and sadness. It is exciting to watch two young people standing on the edge of life and priming themselves for the jump that will be the icy and cold water of reality. It is sad to watch my husband let go of something that was only fleetingly his.

This last year has reminded us of the promises we have made to each other and has tested them more than ever. We have been through the reappearance of Wee Geek in our life (which is nearing it’s year anniversary), double cataracts surgery for BB guy, the removing of a daughter from the payroll ( so to speak), and now the strangest thing, the partial loss of some of my vision.

This has been the oddest chapter so far. Although in looking back, I realise that this has probably been happening for some time. I woke up one Thursday morning to having no peripheral vision on my right side. A visit to the eye surgeon has left us puzzled. There seems to be no cause and the tests are not good. My eyes are healthy. I have had nothing like a fall or a head bump to precipitate a problem. I am having horrible headaches from the struggle of my eyes to focus together. This has also made a significant decrease in my abilities of depth perception. Which makes steps look like sloping insurmountable hills and all surfaces are suddenly suspect because I’m unable to perceive their subtle changes. I feel helpless and afraid. I do not know what this holds for our future, but fear a further stressful test. A visit to the neuro-opthalmologist has not really yielded many more answers. All signs seem to be pointing to lupus and so the next step in an anabolic nucleur blood test that may or may not give us any anwers.

In the meantime, I’m feeling the full weight of every ache and every pain and I’m trying to not let it send me through the roof with worry. I know that this is something that’s been happening for a long time. It’s one of those things that is conclusive after they’ve ruled everything else out. Wee Geek worries that both of his parents are ill and what this means for him. I’m worried about being able to function and BB guy seems content to sit and wait. I know it’s not really doing any good to worry while we wait, but still. In the big picture, everything else seems stupid.

I think a lot about the potential effect of all of this and it’s daunting. I’m trying very hard to stay off the websites because this seems to only add to the mounting panic that I’m barely keeping at bay. This is where the Asperger’s adage of prepare for the worst really comes in handy. In the meantime, I feel like crap all the time. My head hasn’t stopped hurting in weeks and as an added bonus plan, I feel nauseous all of the time. I’m not really too impressed with this feeling, and today, I feel like I just need to go home and lie down.

That sounds so good that I think I will do it.

First Mother’s Day in 5 years and Other Sordid Passings

I’m sorry that I’ve neglected you for so long, dear readers. As we have moved through life in the last couple of months, what little energy I have seems directed at other projects. Funny how life sneaks up on you like that and overtakes you. It scoops you up and drags you along in the current of it and threatens to roll you into the undertow. Attempts to drown you in the feeling of it all.

Wee Geek is on a more even keel. Getting patient assistance for his meds and keeping him going on them has made a huge difference. He seems to feel better all the way around too. He seems to have a better grasp on this relationship thing, too. Always a good thing. He gets it more than I did at his age, thank goodness.

Wee Geek turns into a greater and greater kid with every day that passes.  He asked for Mother’s Day off and fought work over it. He went to Dayton to pick up my mom and bring her to Muncie for lunch at Outback and to go see “Dark Shadows”. It was a fantastic day in that respect.

I was struck by how truly happy that moment made me. I sat across from my son in the booth and could hardly wipe the stupid grin off my face. I was so grateful for this moment that I have been deprived off for 5 years. What no one realises is that when you go through what we did there is so much emotional crap to wade through. I know that back in 2007 that idiot judge did not care in the slightest that it was the Friday before Mother’s Day. Or maybe he did. Maybe that was the ultimate punishment. Maybe that was the point. Some days I am in absolute certainty that it was exactly what he meant. Other days I know without any uncertainty that it is just the corruption that oozes out of every pore of the Delaware County court system.

I don’t know if they knew that I would spend 5 years doubting all sorts of things about myself. I spent a lot of time questioning everything I’ve ever done for Wee Geek. It is difficult to hold your entire life under a microscope and examine it. It’s worse to watch others do it for illicit purposes. Suddenly, every decision, every word I’d ever spoken, every word I hadn’t spoken, every fiber of me was being looked at and criticized. Beyond harshly, too. It was as if I was dead and they’d given my ex-husband a platform or at least a license to stomp on my body. I’m not a person who can afford to wallow in self regrets and bad choices. If I gave in to that I would get nothing else done. EVER….

But 5 years of questioning and turning every moment around and around in my head took a real toll on me personally and emotionally. It has taken me awhile to stop looking at everything and trying to second and triple guess what my ex and the lawyers and the judge were going to piece out and decide to penalize me over.

I feel in my heart and soul that I always made the choices for Wee Geek that I did because I was using all of the information that I had and with the best possible intentions. It makes me very angry that all of these people who did not live in my life and did not have to live out the consequences were making all of these massive decisions in my life. Terrifying. It’s easy to make a heart breaking choice when it’s not your heart that’s breaking, I guess. I wonder how they would have behaved with their identities being completely yanked out from under them. That is essentially what they did to me. My entire identity was Wee Geek’s mom. Suddenly I wasn’t a mom anymore. I was just this empty shell of a girl who’d lost everything that meant anything.

So I thought about all of these things as I sat across from my son. In my happiness, all of those horrid angry feelings had relocated. They have been entertaining the little guy in the back if my brain for a few days. He’s easily amused.

I thought about some other things as well. How life goes in circles mostly. It’s a very strange path that we travel on in this life and we must follow the road whether or not it is paved with yellow bricks. Mostly not. At least in my case. I’m sure that my ex takes a great deal of pleasure thinking that he’s gotten away with something akin to murder. He also revels in the thought that he’s ruined me financially, while he sits and never pays for for anything that he’s done in any way once again.  It very much feels like that. I hate to dwell on it or to even feel as if I’m dwelling on it, but it’s difficult to muster up any feeling that is not ill will when every day is a reminder that I can’t help Wee Geek with something or that he’s not able to follow his dreams because his dad is a selfish bastard. It’s not fair to anyone. But it’s most not fair to Wee Geek and that is what upsets me.  That he continues to have to pay for the mistake I made.

Past that, there have been other happenings in this past few months. Things that have reminded us of what is important. We continue to struggle to keep Wee Geek where he is and independent. However, we also continue to see the giant blinky yellow arrow sign of doom that points out the road back to home. He worries about this. I worry about this. We keep trying to put a rosy face on this uncertain future. It will not be easy in the coming months. He’s afraid that he will lose his independence. I keep telling him that there won’t be much difference and I cannot seem to make him realise that you have to move forward even when the future feels so awful and uncertain. Of course, that uncertainty is almost the kiss of death for an autistic lot. We’re getting throught it.

I have lots of thoughts that have gone through my brain as of late. Thinking of Wee Geek and how we are getting through all of this. How will we survive? I have no idea. I only know that we will.

I have once again made connections with my past that are amazing. I am always happy to make connections with old friends, but this one is certainly a cherished one. This particular old friend wandered away when I was being isolated, however, it was not because there was no friendship there. It was because there was nothing left to say or do.  Sometimes when friends can’t help you on your path, they have to let you go on your way and wait for you. That is what this friend and a lot of others did for me. This friend reminded me today that I was instrumental in his choice of name when he changed it. That is amazing to me that I did that for a friend. So this connection is an important reminder that you cannot escape your past, but it is not always unpleasant. At a time when much of my past feels immensely unpleasant, I am grateful for this reminder that not all of the things associated with that time in my life are awful. Some of them were good.

We are standing on the precipice of another event in our lives. Best Buy guy’s oldest daughter gets married this weekend. We spent the weekend looking for a dress. After buying two dresses at a department store, one of which I hated and one of which BB guy hated, I wandered into Goodwill and found a great dress that we both love for $3. Can’t beat that with a sharp stick in the eye, so I’m going with it. Took the other two dresses back. We’ve spent the biggest part of the evening looking for a father daughter dance song. He’s decided on something, I think. It will be all right.

I have this feeling that there are a lot of things that we are standing on the edge of. The summer will come to pass and we will see what it brings. I am standing and facing it with this brave little face. I know no other way to do it. Great old world resolve inside of me, I suppose.

I will go forward. Trying to hold the torch high for Wee Geek to follow. The future will bring whatever it brings. We have no choice but to follow the path. Wherever it leads.

The Great Cspan Wars and Other Tales of Strife

There have been many wars in our house lately. I know I’m losing them. I’m not stupid enough to think that anything I have to say would ever over rule an ex wife, a kid who shouldn’t be, or a daughter. I suppose the time of all this (cough and sputter) gloriousness os about at its end.

I pride myself for not living under any kind of delusions and for being very honest with myself. I know that I will never rank as high as anyone with blonde hair or who was actually born with the Best Buy Guy’s last name. Nor apparently anyone who he gave his last name no matter how deviously this name was obtained.

The start of this strife was an ex wife’s phone call begging for money. Don’t worry dear reader, that phone number has once again been blocked from our phones. I wouldn’t have minded except for a few minor issues. Number one being that this is not kid’s mother asking for money. I’m sure they make more than we do. It’s insulting. More insulting is the response of the BB Guy in agreeing. This was moment’s after telling me that IF he still had a job in February then maybe we would go do something special for our 10th anniversary. Really? Then don’t send money out the door to a complete stranger. It’s so frustrating. More frustrating when his stupidity rears up and he tells me that we don’t have money together so he can do whatever he wants with his money.

All I can say is WOW! My idiotic moronic ass clown of a spouse has reached a new plateau of stupidity. It’s amazing. More amazing that when I suggested he tell eldest daughter that he had to reduce what he was giving her for the wedding by that amount he agreed that was reasonable. I can’t begin to fathom how fucking stupid this point in my life is. No one wins in this situation. A wedding website has come out as well. Most significantly embarrassing is that we are all pretending to embrace not kid, but still no one knows how to refer to her. I believe she was referred to as “another of my father’s daughters”. Another wow escapes my lips. On the tail of the BB guy telling me he’d give me $100 for Wee Geek’s school to shut me up. See the rampant insanity has taken root!

On the front of Wee Geek I have been on the phone with the lawyer’s office every day for 2 weeks. I don’t know if it’s getting me anywhere, but it certainly is serving to raise my frustration levels beyond nuclear.  School went back this week, but Wee Geek is not there. Still nothing has been resolved. Of course. However, my exes whore lawyer is taking me to court in March to re-evaluate my income. No one addresses the amount of child support I’ve overpaid. No one addresses the ridiculous amount of legal fees that I’m having garnished. No one addresses that my kid is not in school and that his dad is not helping with his living expenses in any way. But by god let’s make sure the whore lawyers get their money. I’m sure this is more about my ex finding out about the book. I’m sure I’m a millionaire now. At least I will be when they are done telling their story.

There seems to be a new judge. I don’t know if this is going to be any better, but I somehow doubt it. It’s never made a difference before. One legal figure in Delaware county is as crooked as the next one.

Note to self don’t divorce the current husband there. It feels like we are barreling toward that direction. All our conversations involve fighting about Cspan lately. I’m sick and tired of fucking Cspan because I realize that all ass clowns in charge are still ass clowns. It doesn’t matter who they say they are affiliated with or what they claim to stand for. They same evil monkeys are pulling the puppet strings and nothing changes because of this. I hate politics. I hate the news. Our tv has been on these inane things every day for weeks. I don’t care what they are promising. It will not change. So tonight the Cspan wars erupted into me being told to shut my fucking mouth and the clicker being thrown across the room. There won’t be any apologies. I’m supposed to start arguing politics and care. I do not. It’s pathetic that 12 years is being reduced to a war over channels on a box. It really boils down to me having to deal with the stressful and awful situations I deal with all day and wanting to come home and just watch nothing. That stupid stuff that doesn’t have to be thought about. It’s nice to not have to solve someone’s problem for five minutes. Silly, I know.

The biggest oddity in my life this week was my Wee Geek turning 20. Who knew? A year ago, I thought I’d never have another birthday with him. BB Guy and I drove over and hung out with old high school friends on Saturday night and then hung out with my mom until Wee Geek decided to show up for birthday lunch. Little did I know that he was waiting for his dad to acknowledge him. He never did. Typical Scott. Wee Geek feels abandoned and angry. I feel angry. It all just sucks lately.

I’m feeling frustrated because I’m not getting any writing done at night. That need to decompress at night is so overwhelming that nothing else can find its way out of my brain. The storyboard is looking gorgeous, however. Even if I can’t find any of the incarnations of the story that I want to work on. I hate the thought of starting over from complete scratch!

I know I’ve been grouchy and bitchy in this posting. I’m sorry. Sometimes you have to vent and obviously I have few chances here in the lovely paradise of the land of the not quite right.

What’s New in The Land of the Not Quite Right and how it affects the rest of the community

Welcome back to the land of the not quite right. I’ve tried not to be away so long. I’m inspired today by Ray Davies.

I was standing in the crowd at this concert. 2 rows back watching Ray Davies sing all of these old songs that I barely remember because they were on some ancient jukebox of my past. I was standing as everyone around me was singing the lyrics to the Misfits.
“You’re a misfit
Afraid of yourself so you run away and hide.
You’ve been a misfit all your life
But why don’t you join the crowd and come inside
You wander round this town
Like you’ve lost your way
You had your chance in your day
Yet you still threw it all away
Now you’re lost in the crowd
Yet you still go your own way.”

I was suddenly struck by the idea that in this crowd full of strangers, not one of them really understood what it was like to be the misfit. To never fit in and to never get invited to try and fit in. None of them knew what going your own way really truly meant.

So, I’m struck by this on a few levels. One of them is my own personal experience of being that little misfit girl who never really figured it out and just strove for being a misfit to look somewhat normal. I guess I make it look easy now at this point in my life. Don’t placate me with “We’re all unique/different in our own way. We’re all special in our ways.” That’s cookie cutter people talk for wearing red instead of green and green day. Unless you’ve made a life out of being different, you don’t really understand what it means. We’re not all unique. Because if we were all unique, everyone would be inventing things and making the world different. But that isn’t the case. The fact is that it takes those few people thinking outside of the box to make the world actually work. There is a Hot Topic quality to life today. Take all the weird shit that we used to do that made us different and mass market it so that everyone can be the same in their difference. Great business plan, but zero points in the tolerance department. All that has happened is that our own uniqueness has been branded and given to the freaks so that they can be a different kind of cookie cutter people. Don’t be surprised, though, freaks, you will still screw it up and it will still not be quite right.

So, another part of my life is touched as well. The part that recognises another little girl that has been doing her own thing in little ways and is somewhat unique and wonderful. This little girl is letting her life be turned completely upside down by people who probably will not matter in the end. At least their pushing and prodding toward some insane end will probably not matter. You can not let others turn your life into something that it is not for their benefit. We all have to be masters of our own destinies and the moment you let one other person develop the plan, you turn into a cookie cutter purpose.
And then there is the state of funding in Indiana for people with disabilities. God forbid, a million years ago, I let some senior management guy talk me into attending a training for developing autism teams in Indiana. The idea was that at least one person on the team should actually be autistic so that the point of view was being addressed. I was all for that. However, the original idea was that these autism teams would set the tone for autism services in the state. This has not really been the end result. Just like every other thing that involves services, it has been left to neurotypical people to tell autistic people how to feel, what to feel, when to feel, and what their own experience is. I for one do not want neurotypical people determining these things.
A neurotypical person cannot tell me how I’m feeling, I am the only one that can do that. They cannot tell me what I need, either. And I’m certainly not going to let them determine what I want. The disability system has become rather like the education system. A bunch of non-teachers telling teachers how to do their jobs to the most effectiveness. I feel like all the autistics are being told how to be autistic by people who don’t have a clue.
I know that in the world of needs that the rocking, head banging guy with echolalia is going to win. No one cares that I’m only marginally successful in the world of reality when it comes to social skills. I have a job and I have friends. I must be normal.
The autism spectrum is called a spectrum because there is a range of us who function under the umbrella of the diagnosis. We range from very low functioning, very sensory oriented low functioning people to very smart and pretty well functioning with varying degrees of functioning people. We come in all sizes of social awkwardness. We come in all sizes of employment success. However, the need remains the same, no matter where we are. Stress shuts us down immensely and causes all sorts of problems. We are driven by routines and thinking patterns that can occasionally become obsessive. We are driven by the high sensory needs of a spider on roller skates.
I need as much help in certain situations as a low functioning person. It’s a matter of stress processing. And it is very difficult. You can not take two or three parts of the spectrum and say these are the people that we are getting federally funded for servicing, fuck all to the rest. We are all important and only we can speak for our needs.
We need to get together and figure it out. We need to tell them what we need and what we want. We need to make sure that people who are not us are not making the decisions for us. I don’t want some idiot guy deciding that I need more sensory input when I’m hyper sensitive to it. I don’t need that same guy deciding that I’m unfit because of my sensory stuff. I need to know that I have resources for when I’m in trouble and that there are people out there who are not afraid when I start at well-functioning and end up in a puddle of not functioning at the end of the day. I need people in this community that understand that and don’t act like I’m a freak when I can’t cope.
Deep inside we all want to know that we are accepted and loved for exactly what we are. Deep inside we want to know that we aren’t freaks, but rather just someone who thinks a lot differently and has a lot to contribute to the planet because of my unique perceptions and viewpoints. It’s not hard for me to point my camera and take a picture from my perspective. The question is, is it hard for you to interpret and respond to? Does your own in the box thinking keep you from experiencing the wonderfulness wrapped up in this perspective? Think about it.