Never Underestimate the power of autistic people on a mission


Not many people can understand how overwhelming house cleaning can be for people on the spectrum. But it can be. Since wee geek left home, his room has become a sort of catch all place for stuff in our house. It also is the place where the Best Buy guy dumps things that he doesn’t want to deal with. Especially if they are mine. So, after how ever many years of dumping stuff in there, that room was pretty overwhelming. I spent most of Saturday morning cleaning the sewing/craft room, so it was pretty squared away by the time wee geek came and declared his room worthy of FEMA funding.

Thank goodness that he came. He just started yanking things out of there and throwing things into bins, trash bags, and piles of need to go somewhere, but we don’t know where. This helped to make it a matter of just rearranging the piles of stuff. It took us most of the afternoon and me the rest of Sunday, but it got done. So, the power of two of us together made it a little less overwhelming. I had been in there several times, but it just got to me and I couldn’t get a thing accomplished. It’s just like going into other people’s houses, though. When it’s not your stuff, it’s a lot easier to see what is crap and what is not.

On Sunday morning, I went downstairs to see wee geek sleeping peacefully on the sofa. It was so surreal, seeing him there. And I expect that next week when he’s home with his girlfriend it will be even more surreal. We have talked over more of the yucky stuff about his dad and discovered that we are both pretty pissed off about the same stuff. I think the thing that annoys me the most is that the court has made a long standing policy of letting him get away with doing the least amount of things possible for wee geek. Even when wee geek lived there, I paid more in child support than he ever did and made him pay for himself too telling him that I wasn’t contributing anything. Outrageous!

So, in the midst of doing last minute Christmas stuff, the subject of our uninvited four legged Thanksgiving visitor came up. The complete inconsideration of the incident has made me very upset with both of the supposed adults in the situation. Especially with the Best Buy guy. I do not want this incident to be repeated at Christmas. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I don’t have to put up with things like this. I guess I’m tired of the inconsideration that is often given to me. As if I’m not important to him. This is not the first time that we’ve had these moments of inconsideration. I’m over it. He needs to figure it out.

So, after taking the month of December off and am ready to jummp into some editing at the beginning of the year. So, I am thinking that a zombie story will be out before the summer. I think the ghost story will be out pretty quickly after that. I expect to have the mothman story ready before the end of next year. It seems like such an unbelievable moment, but it’s feeling more attainable, now. Amazing and very surreal, but absolutely attainable.

We saw the new Sherlock Holmes this weekend, too. I was so disappointed. In the first movie, you had these delicious glimpses of how an autistic brain works. In this movie, they almost overdosed you on it. After you’ve seen Sherlock think through every move in a fight before it happens, you don’t need to see it five more times in this movie. There was the one nice little moment of the alone-ness actually sinking in and Sherlock almost touching that his own personality was the root of the issue. There was one more little moment of the crowd overwhelming him during a dance and only being able to pick out little bits that are not useful at all. Showing those moments of trying to filter all of the confusion of sensory input is so wonderfully done. It’s so hard to explain to people that this is how our brains work.

Wee geek and I had a discussion of trying to explain to others different aspects of being on the spectrum. It is very difficult to do. People do not understand thinking in pictures. People do not understand how the patterns in things just pop out. Especially if they can’t see them. Sometimes I feel like I see the patterns and it’s an eternity before anyone else gets them. I am constantly reminded of watching “Alphas” and seeing the main character see electromagnetic and data input. This is what it is like for me when I see the patterns in things.

I am looking forward to the surrealness of Christmas to come. It is the first Christmas with Wee geek back in our lives. I feel the strain with the Best Buy guy as he tries to figure out where his place is again. He acts as if everything has changed. It hasn’t. It’s just been added to. My soul feels complete again. Which is something that I think he wishes he could have done, but he couldn’t. He tried. He just wasn’t that successful. He helped me to forget the hole was there occasionally, but then it would open up again and swallow me whole like a gigantic shark with no ability to guage when it is full. He had no way to deal with the depression inside of me. Now, he cannot always understand the anger inside of me. I feel so stommped upon by a system that should have protected my son and I but instead put him in the arms of an abuser that I had worked so hard to keep him away from.

So, onward we march to the insanity of the season. I’m sure that I will be only partially insane by the time it is all over. But it will be blissfully surreal because of the presence of wee geek.

Waking up from Nightmares


Wow, this week has been a never ending roller coaster. The most bizarre thing happened Wednesday. My son, yes, dear reader, I said my son called me at work yesterday and left a message for me with a phone number to call him.
I absolutely felt as if someone had walked over my grave and I absolutely felt like my whole world was spiraling totally and completely out of control! I want to be happy and sad and angry and a whole bunch of other things all of the same time. My system feels like it’s working on overtime mode.
It was a good talk and we dealt with some yucky stuff, but it was absolutely amazing! I am reeling and whirling and alternately crying and wanting to jump up and down. I can’t even coherently put all of the thoughts together in one place.
So we are a few days into putting this relationship back together and it’s hard. Very hard.
I have a jillion questions and a jillion things I want to say. Some things I need to say, but can’t. Some things I need to know, but Kale doesn’t want to tell me.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I’m feeling angry about the situation and having him in there again brings up a lot of that anger. He isn’t really wanting me to be angry. He’s expecting me to not be angry and I am. I try not to be but it’s difficult. He acts like I have an equal amount of culpability here and I don’t. I was screwed and treated badly and denied my rights to be his parent. And somehow, he seems to think that I had some control over the situation and I didn’t. He doesn’t know what it’s like to walk into court and be called retarded because of my Asperger’s.
It’s hard to move things forward. I am so conflicted. I want to help him and take care of things, but I feel like I can’t jump in all out because I’m going to be hurt in this. I definitely have been through too much to have anymore crap on my plate.
It’s been up and down and all around. I don’t want to feel like he’s playing me against the middle. Some things have to be accomplished. I can’t help him if I’m giving his dad half my paycheck. I also don’t think it’s fair that his dad has made me out to be the bad guy. It’s definitely a bad feeling.
I also am upset that his dad has made him think that it’s not okay to have Asperger’s. I spent a long time making him okay with the way that he was. Now, I feel as if he isn’t quite so okay with it. I know that I needed that diagnosis to confirm that I wasn’t broken. Kale didn’t need it for that reason. He needed it to get him through school. He was confident enough in his own wonderfulness without it. But still it sort of feels as if he is spitting in my face. I know I have to get over that because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s happy with the way that he is.
It’s just that I spent a long time getting that diagnosis and had to fight with a lot of people and put up with just as many of them calling me crazy. So it feels like he thinks I’m crazy now, too. It also feels like I’m out here all by myself again. I know I’m not, but it feels like that.
So how do you put something back together with your child when you haven’t seen him in 4 years? How do you regulate all the crappy stuff inside of you so that it doesn’t come out as that? I don’t know either.
It definitely feels like there are places where nothing has changed and there are places where there are huge holes. There are places where it feels really great and there are places where it’s not so good.
I guess the impatience in me wants it all to be okay right NOW! It’s not that I want to go over all the old ground. I just feel like some things have to be said, done, dealt with. I hate leaving yucky stuff to be dealt with. I want it out of the way so that I can enjoy the good stuff.
Today I just feel confused. I suppose that’s normal. The Best Buy guy says it probably should feel confusing. I know I’m being a complete Asperger’s kid and having trouble reconciling all of my emotions and feelings. I know I’m just feeling overwhelmed because I haven’t dealt with any of these emotions and now I’m having to and that kind of sucks. I’m glad it’s for such a good reason, but it definitely makes me feel unsure.
So dear readers, how should I do this? What can I do? How do I move myself forward when I have so many questions and not answers? I don’t know either.