Please Keep All Hands and Feet Inside While Others Decide Your Fate

So I sit and wait in an empty room with only my phone and a borrowed laptop without a power cord for company while the powers that be decide my fate. Let’s forget for one moment that I have Asperger’s and waiting with any degree of uncertainty is certainly much more exhausting and emotionally draining than any punishment they could dream up for me. Let’s forget that the great uncertainty is crippling to my poor fragile system. Let’s forget that I was only told half the story and was completely blind sided once more when I met with the powers that be (who by the way were somewhat apologetic and seemingly embarrassed about the entire thing as well as raised an eyebrow when they found out that I was not completely apprised of the situation). So I sit. It’s a make shift prison with the feeling of abandonment lurking in the corners. And curse karma for always kicking my ass when I feel like things are going well. I was very well reminded of the rule of 3 last night. You know, that crazy thing where you have 3 good things and then 3 bad things….wash, lather, repeat. I really feel like puking and that’s kinna taking over for some of the other senses that are supposed to be working but are not. It’s also keeping me from completely shutting down which I’m sure will actually be beneficial to me at some point. Because I feel like I’ve only had about 3 minutes sleep I’m an emotional train wreck hoping that I find a bridge that’s out so I can just crash and burn. The added bonus is that I can see that all the signs are connected to gigantic blinking red arrows that say “Point of no return. Abandon all hope those who enter here.” Once again I feel as if my only support system is in my phone. The ex-BB guy is less than useless in these situations and he usually says something stellarly stupid like “You need to stop letting this get you all worked up.” How he thinks that is helpful I have no idea at all. Other advice has been much more helpful. I think I did everything right. I listened, I nodded, I asked a few questions. I hope that I didn’t look guilty. I know that if you are neurotypical and you are reading this, you are prolly wondering how I would manage to look guilty if I wasn’t. Spectrum people have a hugely difficult time managing our facial expressions anyway. When you had a huge heaping cup of stress the entire operation goes amuck. Gotta love evolution. Added brain function, decreased ability to actually cope and function under stress. What demented super power is that? It’s technically not even helping me to blog about it except to recognise that I prolly do not have this particular talent in life. I have gotten pretty good at understanding my shortcomings over the years. I have even gotten pretty good at figuring out how to make my shortcomings look a little less like shortcomings. I have never really gotten good at fitting in or understanding the motivations of people. I’m definitely in Peter Gabriel’s “no man is an island” world today. It is very stressful. I wish I had more inner strength to draw on, but I used a great deal of that when all the stuff with Wee Geek was happening. So there are precious few reserves of that to draw upon when times get rough. I know that there are very few guarantees in life, but a few more warning lights would be helpful. And a Tardis. I could really use a Tardis.