The Great Cspan Wars and Other Tales of Strife

There have been many wars in our house lately. I know I’m losing them. I’m not stupid enough to think that anything I have to say would ever over rule an ex wife, a kid who shouldn’t be, or a daughter. I suppose the time of all this (cough and sputter) gloriousness os about at its end.

I pride myself for not living under any kind of delusions and for being very honest with myself. I know that I will never rank as high as anyone with blonde hair or who was actually born with the Best Buy Guy’s last name. Nor apparently anyone who he gave his last name no matter how deviously this name was obtained.

The start of this strife was an ex wife’s phone call begging for money. Don’t worry dear reader, that phone number has once again been blocked from our phones. I wouldn’t have minded except for a few minor issues. Number one being that this is not kid’s mother asking for money. I’m sure they make more than we do. It’s insulting. More insulting is the response of the BB Guy in agreeing. This was moment’s after telling me that IF he still had a job in February then maybe we would go do something special for our 10th anniversary. Really? Then don’t send money out the door to a complete stranger. It’s so frustrating. More frustrating when his stupidity rears up and he tells me that we don’t have money together so he can do whatever he wants with his money.

All I can say is WOW! My idiotic moronic ass clown of a spouse has reached a new plateau of stupidity. It’s amazing. More amazing that when I suggested he tell eldest daughter that he had to reduce what he was giving her for the wedding by that amount he agreed that was reasonable. I can’t begin to fathom how fucking stupid this point in my life is. No one wins in this situation. A wedding website has come out as well. Most significantly embarrassing is that we are all pretending to embrace not kid, but still no one knows how to refer to her. I believe she was referred to as “another of my father’s daughters”. Another wow escapes my lips. On the tail of the BB guy telling me he’d give me $100 for Wee Geek’s school to shut me up. See the rampant insanity has taken root!

On the front of Wee Geek I have been on the phone with the lawyer’s office every day for 2 weeks. I don’t know if it’s getting me anywhere, but it certainly is serving to raise my frustration levels beyond nuclear.  School went back this week, but Wee Geek is not there. Still nothing has been resolved. Of course. However, my exes whore lawyer is taking me to court in March to re-evaluate my income. No one addresses the amount of child support I’ve overpaid. No one addresses the ridiculous amount of legal fees that I’m having garnished. No one addresses that my kid is not in school and that his dad is not helping with his living expenses in any way. But by god let’s make sure the whore lawyers get their money. I’m sure this is more about my ex finding out about the book. I’m sure I’m a millionaire now. At least I will be when they are done telling their story.

There seems to be a new judge. I don’t know if this is going to be any better, but I somehow doubt it. It’s never made a difference before. One legal figure in Delaware county is as crooked as the next one.

Note to self don’t divorce the current husband there. It feels like we are barreling toward that direction. All our conversations involve fighting about Cspan lately. I’m sick and tired of fucking Cspan because I realize that all ass clowns in charge are still ass clowns. It doesn’t matter who they say they are affiliated with or what they claim to stand for. They same evil monkeys are pulling the puppet strings and nothing changes because of this. I hate politics. I hate the news. Our tv has been on these inane things every day for weeks. I don’t care what they are promising. It will not change. So tonight the Cspan wars erupted into me being told to shut my fucking mouth and the clicker being thrown across the room. There won’t be any apologies. I’m supposed to start arguing politics and care. I do not. It’s pathetic that 12 years is being reduced to a war over channels on a box. It really boils down to me having to deal with the stressful and awful situations I deal with all day and wanting to come home and just watch nothing. That stupid stuff that doesn’t have to be thought about. It’s nice to not have to solve someone’s problem for five minutes. Silly, I know.

The biggest oddity in my life this week was my Wee Geek turning 20. Who knew? A year ago, I thought I’d never have another birthday with him. BB Guy and I drove over and hung out with old high school friends on Saturday night and then hung out with my mom until Wee Geek decided to show up for birthday lunch. Little did I know that he was waiting for his dad to acknowledge him. He never did. Typical Scott. Wee Geek feels abandoned and angry. I feel angry. It all just sucks lately.

I’m feeling frustrated because I’m not getting any writing done at night. That need to decompress at night is so overwhelming that nothing else can find its way out of my brain. The storyboard is looking gorgeous, however. Even if I can’t find any of the incarnations of the story that I want to work on. I hate the thought of starting over from complete scratch!

I know I’ve been grouchy and bitchy in this posting. I’m sorry. Sometimes you have to vent and obviously I have few chances here in the lovely paradise of the land of the not quite right.

Welcome to my surreal autistic life

The last three weeks of my life has been a sort of disconcerting fairy tale. It feels as if I put in some sort of order for dreams to come true and some demented little Santa’s elf decided to make it all happen at once.
Things with my son have been progressing wonderfully. The more time that we are together, the less time that we seem to have been apart. We are slowly getting his pieces back into place and making sure that he can continue to go to school. It looks as if he will probably have to take out a loan to pay for his first semester of this year himself, and then we will have to argue in court about how his dad is going to have to pay him back. The saddest part of all this is that while it was benefitting my ex to be getting money from me that was in no way helping my son (who apparently was paying most of his expenses himself) and that while Indiana was busy letting this numbskull judge stick it to me even though the income gap between us is in excess of $75,000 a year, they are actually entertaining the idea that my ex may be able to emancipate my son so that he won’t have to pay for any of his school.
It’s another abuse in the system that he has been able to take advantage of from the start. In what other universe would a man who has a long and fairly documented history of domestic violence be allowed to continue that abuse through the court. He has been allowed to claim to the judge that he was in fear of his life. I know, we’ve all seen the horror movie where the 150 pound autistic crazy woman murdered a 350+ pound man in pure vengeance. What? You haven’t seen that one? Well, I haven’t either.
He has been allowed to claim that I am crazy and that I caused my son to be mentally ill and think he’s autistic which we all know is one of the worst mental illnesses out there. Oh, wait. It’s a neurological diversity. Not a mental illness. Never mind that I am considered an expert in the field of autism in my area. It’s just crazy to think that I might actually know the signs and might actually have a little bit of expertise in knowing when a kid is on the spectrum (autie-dar completely ignored here). Never mind that I trained with some of the top experts in the state. I am so obviously crazy just because my ex-husband says so in court and therefore makes it law.
Now, the second part of my dreamlike life going terribly askew. I know, you are thinking that I have it all. Great marriage to Best Buy guy of my dreams, great kid…what else could possibly go right? Well, I am now published.
Scary I know. It’s a little publishing house out of Cincinnati that I met down at the Days of the Dead convention. But it’s a short story in an anthology called “Dead Souls”. It’s amazing. Out on Kindle already. We are anxiously awaiting the print release so we can actually hold it in our hands and know that it is true. I will blog more about it and it’s amazing growth later. Stay posted.

Sucked into the abyss of drama

In the last couple of years, I’ve gotten pretty good at eliminating drama from my life.  I’ve become fairly effective at identifying the drama causers and getting them to back slowly away from the autistic girl.

Then there was a little bug that visited me and told me that my father had finally gotten fed up with my step mother’s drug abuse.  The true story is some Jerry Springer show topic.  The reality is that it impacts everyone.  As an adult I understand that I can pick and choose who I have relationships with and this does include the people that in previous parts of my life that I thought I “had” to maintain relationships with.  I have learned that sometimes the people that think you have to maintain relationships with them no matter what do not understand this choice.

I have watched many incidents of enabling in my life and this particular set of parents are the masters.  Removing myself from their situation has been one of the healthiest things that I have ever done for myself.

Now, dear and devoted readers, my problem is multifaceted and I have no road maps for dealing with it.  I want to be supportive without being dragged into the drama.  I know that this may be impossible.  There is still a lot of anger inside of me about what my father did in relation to my son.  I’m not going to be able to just jump over the fence and say, “Okay, I forgive you for sending the message to everyone involved that you agreed that there was something so broken inside of me that you felt that you needed to side with my ex husband on the relationship that I have with my son.”  That is not going to happen.

But I feel without my father’s enabling behaviour toward my step mother, I might be able to start putting some of the angry and hurt feelings aside.  I know for a fact that without her involved, I can put it all aside in time.  I understand the addiction behaviour beyond all reasoning, but it does not really make anything better. When you spend your life watching excuses being made for bad behaviour, you tend to be a little cynical about anyone’s ability to change the situation, including your own.

I feel for the situation.  It is very difficult to break up a marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.  And it only gets harder, the longer the marriage stays intact.  But when your own health is at jeopardy because of your situation, then that’s a problem.  I may not have been in very many healthy relationships in my lifetime, but I sure as hell know what a bad one looks like.

I guess in thinking about all of this, there are some things that I’ve thought about over and over.  Throughout all of the mess of the last almost 5 years, I have thought that I would regret not having relationships with some people in my life.  My son is primary.  The gap that his absence has left in my soul is immeasurable.  I will truly regret it if I do not at least start the process of  repairing things with my dad and something happens to him.

I seriously doubt my dad’s ability to fight dirty in this circumstance.  I know that unfortunately, my inability to understand how to fight dirty handicapped me far worse than my Asperger’s in my dealings with my ex.  Although, granted, my Asperger’s was probably what made this particularly difficult.  I doubt my dad’s strength in dealing with pure and unreined insanity.  There is no insanity that matches a drug addict in full force.

Probably none of us will ever know the true story.  I’m sure that there are parts of it, that I do not want to know.  I hope that my step mother gets help and that my dad stops enabling her and making excuses for her.  My dad is forever a “don’t make waves” kind of guy.  One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been his inability to accept that I’m just not a “maintain the status quo” sort of girl.  I’ve always been this way, I think.  I don’t look for ways to not be in the middle, but it sure looks like it’s awful far away.

It’s a difficult decision.  I don’t want to be sucked into all of the drama of this situation and I have no doubts that this is going to be bad.  And not, the kind of bad that makes you feel as if there is an inconvenience that you’d rather not be bothered with.  It’s going to be bad in the way that makes you think that the gates of hell have opened and showered it’s full force down on top of you.  When you have a family member living through this, how do you be supportive and not join the abyss?  I only know how to survive it.  I do not know how to help anyone else through it.  I do not even know how to survive it intact.  I certainly didn’t manage to do that at all.

Lately, I’ve been having thoughts that my dad is the bridge to my son.  I just don’t know how to get to that bridge.  I am so at a loss about what to do.  The Best Buy guy says stay the hell away from it.  And instinctively that’s what I want to do. It’s hard.

I guess all I can do is pray.  Now where’s the instruction manual for that?

As I think about all of the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my dad, I wish I could pick the thing that makes me the angriest.  But I think mostly, I feel sadness because my dad has truly missed out on what makes me a great person, by not understanding that I’m not that status quo in the middle girl.  Or maybe he understands it, but can’t get past it.

I wish that once in my life, my dad would have been proud of me because I fight for what I think is right and I say what’s on my mind.  Those aren’t bad qualities.  Sometimes it’s to my detriment that I say what’s on my mind, but I never regret that I did it.  Especially if I thought I was being wronged in the middle of all of it.

I don’t know what will become in this situation.  I guess I will wait and see.  It may be good or bad or it may just be in the middle which is what my dad will fight to maintain.