It’s anniversary time again! Or how I bail the sea with teacups.

Yes, dear readers. Anniversary #2 is looming ever closer and I am, as usual, a complete fuckall mess. Barely coping. All of my nerves are on top of my skin. Everything feels like a cock up. I just put my head down and try to move somewhat forward. Even though I am obviously bailing the sea with teacups. There have been far too many changes this summer and this, as you know, just knocks me off kilter and makes me in general feel awful.

What is going right? Wee Geek has moved to San Diego and is doing really well. He’s in a therapeutic setting right now and this is great for him. He still struggles with the depression, but the sunshine is doing him lots of good and this makes me happy. Him too. I wish that he would have come home, but this is working, so I’m not going to fuck with it until it’s not working. Which is really hard. I don’t like him being so far from home. It’s not ideal for me. But it’s not about me.

We had a major shift in my day job. It is taking every ounce of self control that I have to stay planted in my seat because I am still kicking myself for leaving my last day job. At least financially. Atmosphere wise it was completely toxic and unhealthy for everyone. In that way I am completely glad to be out of that. It hasn’t changed much. But things would probably be drastically different if I was still there. But I don’t know. The powers that be really had issues with me and I think that would not have changed much. I don’t know how many of the issues were caused by my former boss, however.

So shift in day job. I’m having to take on a combined role. That I hate. And already, the plan for the combined role in theory is so that we can advocate for families better, but apparently I have already fucked that up. So a new rule has been added to my list.

  1. Stay in your cube.
  2. When in doubt, see Rule #1.
  3. Only advocate for families in theory. Actual practice of advocacy is frowned upon.

I get lots of flack at my day job. Because I don’t socialise. Because I’m not actually a people person. Because I just don’t quite fit (damn that autism puzzle piece thing). But these girls have a way of making me feel as if I am always wrong and shaming me for that not quite fit. I am always left with this idea that they are barely tolerating me. They are all buddies. I feel that gap. I truly do. And it’s not that I want this great friendship with my coworkers. I don’t. But I always have this third wheel feeling. Which most of the time, I ignore it. Other times it feels like a giant hole in the office. You know, the one where the air is heavy with some kind of tension that you are trying to interpret whether it’s real or imagined. I never know if it’s coming from me or them. And that is the hard part. This new role has me running in place trying to figure out what my job is. There is also this underlying hint of sarcasm about my participation in office “outings”. I go occasionally. More for them than me. But I go. And then I get comments about not having to participate. Sigh. Damned if I do. Damned if I don’t.

So. Anniversaries. Fix-it-guy will be gone 2 years tomorrow. We all have our coping mechanisms. I don’t know how healthy mine are, but I move forward. I spend more time crafting than normal lately. But I also have more shows than normal to get ready for. I spend more time binge watching tv. Prolly ┬ánot healthy, either. My friends check on me non stop during this week. I nod and pretend to be keeping my shit together when it really looks like scientist visiting week in the monkey cage. The house grows ever nearer to being in my name. Except this bit of things is moving more at the speed of evolution than in any reasonable time frame. I’m less in “burst into tears” mode than I was last year. But I still miss that big tall goofy guy like crazy.

What did coping look like this year? Bonus daughter #2 got engaged and is getting married in October. In Cancun. Bonus daughter #1 is crazy busy with her store. Me, I am still just dwaddling back here. A step sideways. A step backward. A step the other sideways. I feel like all I have done for 2 years is wait. Wait for lawyers. Wait for decisions by other people. Wait for something to happen or not happen. Wait. Wait. Wait. Fucking Wait. And let’s not forget the frustration. Jesus jumping crimany on a pogo stick has there been frustration. I think I’m ahead and I’m really in another state following a completely different set of instructions for assembling Ikea furniture when I’m really trying to set the time on the VCR.

And can we talk about that eclipse for a second. I had special goggles and a viewer box and was really excited for something different in my little mundane world in the darkness of this week from hell. Of course, I had to reprimanded for wasting too much time on it. I get so tired of other people micro managing my time. Jobs. Who needs them? This whole last 2 years has been like watching someone that looks like you win the lottery and take your dream vacation, while you are chained to a tree with a very short leash inside a doghouse with no windows.

I don’t know what this next year will bring. Pray for lots of Liverpool wins because that makes me crazy happy. Pray for things to start feeling a little more like I can breathe. I want to get the website back up and running. Get some sales. Get. Out. Of. This. Place. Whatever the fuck that looks like.

So, darling love of my life. While I feel like my heart weighs more than a herd of elephants and is threatening to break apart and wash me away in the flood of grief, I still love you more than all the fishies in the all the oceans. More than all the squids and octopussies in the sea. And more than all the sea monkeys, too. My life has a gigantic 6 foot 2 hole that no one can fill and I miss you like absolute crazy. Nothing is as good or fun without you. I cry every time I hear that song. And that one. And yes, that one, too. I want to have you back in the worst way.

Sometimes You Should Listen To The Past

You know, some people make major life decisions and just glide easily into the change without ever having to look back and without any regrets whatsoever. Some people can just make changes and never even blink. Autistic people have to measure everything about the change, feel out all the variables, think about every repercussion of every variable, obsess about the possibility of missing one of them and then rethink it all again.
We can’t ever think out every possibility. It’s prolly the curse of the whole Asperger’s thing. I don’t suffer from bouts of over confidence very often because I always have karma to kick me in the ass and hold me down for extra beatings just in case I start feeling cocky about any of it. I should listen to those little bits of karma. Every time in my life that I have tried to make a change without it being forced upon me via firing, relationship breaking up (another kind of firing I suppose), or legal action by an admittedly moronic judge in the insane police state of Delaware county….well, it’s never really gone well. Never once in 43 years has change initiated by me turned out okay. Forced change, however, actually turns out okay every now and then.
With forced change there is no opportunity to flounder endlessly in whatifs. Instead there is a sudden push into “oh my fucking god how do I stabilize again?” The other part of this is that there is actually some part of the autistic brain that actually functions pretty well under this kind of stress. The reality of it all is that our brains strive toward that sense of stability. We can’t function outside of it so we fight really hard to make it happen. The funny part about it is that we don’t really care how demented that stability is. We just need it. No matter what form it takes. I’m chuckling to myself right now because there have been times in my life when that “stability” has been pretty fucked up. And yet I still wanted the known, no matter how fucked up, much more than the uncertainty and thus the change. I think it’s difficult for neurotypical people to completely grasp this concept. They have no anxiety about this stuff. They also have not experienced the wonderful feeling of karma kicking them straight in the teeth every time they try to deal with a change. It’s amazing how non-frightening change is to those people and how horribly crippling and frightening change is to us.
It’s a process. Learning how to do change. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it gracefully. I will always have to be dragged kicking and screaming through it. I also know that karma really takes a great deal of pleasure in kicking my ass when I try to move forward. The one thing about doing the things you have to do is that once the people who have it easy in life discover that you will do what you have to, they will never ever let you do the things you want to. For instance, I really want to write. My attention is so scattered and distracted when I’m having to work and try to write. I would love to have a few weeks to completely concentrate on this zombie book and get it out the fucking door.
I have this overwhelming need to demand a do over. Why isn’t grown up life as clear cut as kindergarten. I don’t know if the rules made sense to me then, but they definitely make huge amounts of sense now. Mostly because I know how complicated and stupid grown up life is. I think, too, that karma takes a very perverse pleasure in knowing how much I would pay for one choice to work out for me just once. I know it’s a silly little pipe dream I have. Sigh. I don’t like complicated, but nothing is ever very easy in my life.
I will just be obsessing about all of the choices and decisions I’ve made lately. For the rest of the night. All night. Sigh.