How to turn your frustration upside down

So, for those of you who have been playing the at home version of  “Kick the Autistic Kid” while she’s down, I have an update.  The decision came back from the Appeals court today.  It’s not good.  Basically it was shot down because the venue court did not file stamp things in our file appropriately.  The other reason was because I did not order transcripts.  It was just unreasonable to ask for transcripts of every hearing because they dragged things out so much.  The transcript thing was a ploy to bankrupt me.

So, my head is still somewhat reeling from the disappointment and frustration of it all.  I really needed something to change here.  Of course, true to form, nothing changed.  Di told me to realise that I’m no worse off than I was.  Which I’m not.  I also need to remember that my ex had to spend hundreds of dollars to drag this stupidity out.  Which is a victory, but as one dear friend said, a Pyrrhic victory.  I also need to remember that I’ve very effectively blocked them from doing anything through the corrupt Delaware county courts for a year.  That’s the bonus.

I don’t really know what my next move is, yet.  I’m working really hard on not going into full meltdown, but I have a feeling that it’s not going to last very long.  I guess I feel very depressed, disappointed, and frustrated.  I want to break something and maybe kill a few zombies.  It’s much more frustrating because I’m really trying hard not to be in total meltdown.  It’s not a nice feeling.  When avoiding meltdown, you are usually left with this very angry feeling.

Don’t get me wrong, the angry feeling was mostly already there.  There are a lot of people to be very irritated at here.  The judge, my ex’s lawyers, the system, my ex, Kale, my dad, maybe even me and the Best Buy guy.  I don’t know who to be mad at and that’s even more frustrating.  It just seems like anyone that I’m mad at is not the right person.

There are many people in my life that have supported me throughout all of this.  Di always tells me that I have a right to whatever roller coaster feeling I’m feeling at any given minute of any given day.  The Diamond Boobies gave me the courage to believe in my writing ability and to get through this.  Without them, I never would have believed I could write an appeal.  Or anything that was worth anything for that matter.  The Best Buy guy finally grew a brain and supported me a little better.  I’ve discovered who actually was part of my support system and who was just causing drama.

I’m working very hard to find the positive part of all this.  I’m not having much luck today.  Tomorrow may be better.  My brain needs to feel like it’s drowning for a little while, then it will kick in and figure out what to do next.  I have to have the meltdown to get there, though.  I will.  I always do.  It just sucks to have someone pat my ex on the ass and tell him that what he did was okay.  It’s not what was said, but that’s how my ex will look at it.  A pat on the head.  A big gold star that he is human.  Which he isn’t.  So stop thinking that it’s possible.

I will get through this somehow.  Don’t worry.  It’s always just a little setback and then I can move on.  My brain will figure it out.  It always does.