Break Ups and Gray Areas

Wee Geek called to check in and had news that he has ended things with the girlfriend. It’s very difficult to console him. All of the things that I say come from the broken pile of miles of relationships that didn’t work for one reason or another. I know that it takes a very special sort of person to be with us. We are not easy people to get along with because for us life is black and white. We don’t do shades of gray well at all.

This is difficult for people who we have relationships with to understand. You love us or you don’t. There is no sort of land there. We are intense people. That is a given. Even the Best Buy guy will testify to that intensity. It is usually wonderful, but I’m sure there are moments that it is completely maddening. We don’t do maybes. Not well.

My heart breaks for him. But I know how strong he had to be to leave his dad’s and how much pride he had to swallow to call his mom after all of the horrible lies he’d been told. But he did it. I know he can do this, too. It will suck and be uncomfortable, but he will survive. The bad thing about being on the spectrum in this kind of situation is that we get so mired in the feelings that we can’t see past them. I can’t tell him how to get through it. I wish I could. The only way that I know how to get through things is to put your head down and put one foot in front of the other.

Relationships are so much harder when you don’t understand how other people operate. Relationships are harder when you’ve been mentally abused by an asshole father who used your insecurities against you. My best advice was not to play his dad tapes in his head. It’s difficult to do. When you suffer through the things we did, it’s hard to make things make logical sense.

It’s one of those things that you look behind you and see all of the unfinished, half finished and broken things behind you and you tell yourself that you are the common denominator so therefore the problem is you.  It’s not though.  It’s just really hard to realise that when you are in the hole and you feel like some asshole is up at the top throwing shit on you.

I really hate that I don’t know how to get him through this stuff. I guess that’s just being a parent. He’s upset with himself because he feels stupid. He says all his motivations for working and staying in Ohio are tied to her. I understand. I told him that he needs to shift his focus to doing this to remain independent. He is pretty proud of himself for all the independence he’s managed. I’m proud of him too. It’s not easy to be independent when you are a neurotypical kid. A kid on the spectrum has a hundred kinds of odds stacked up against them. He feels very against the odds and beat down. I understand that all too well. I hate watching him go through all of this.

I’m also watching the Best Buy guy go through these hard decisions with his dad. To him it’s a very simple equation of keeping his family name on the farm. For him the farm is so tied to his memories of his grandad that I think sometimes that he thinks the farm is his grandad. Before I break into Cure lyrics…  I think it’s important too. His nephew wants to work on the farm and we are watching him going through this huge growing process. He asks tons of questions because he’s trying to figure things out and it’s interesting to watch. It’s also interesting to see how much like my husband he is in temperment. The Best Buy guy has been the only guy who has ever been stable in his life and that’s kind of sad. But it makes me very happy to think about them working on the farm together. Maybe Wee Geek, too. Hard work that doesn’t actually require a lot of thinking is sometimes the best thing for our chaotic autistic brains.

I do see this path that he is desperately trying to avoid. I feel like everything keeps pointing him in the direction of coming home. He is fighting it. I’m supporting the fight. But I wonder if it’s inevitable. We’ll see what happens.

On a side note….it is autism awareness month and I feel compelled to mention it. I’m a little underwhelmed with the idea of there being a special month for it. I am acutely aware of my autism every day. I guess we are as worthy of a cause as anyone else. It’s also national child abuse month. That is an interesting contrast. Considering that being on the spectrum prolly triples your chances of being abused if not more. I’m all for autism awareness. Don’t get me wrong. I just question people who don’t strive for it everyday.  Not only awareness but tolerance. I don’t mean tolerance like “oh god, I have to accomodate this stupid autistic person with their weird shit again”. I mean the sort of tolerance that says  “I understand that for you to function and me to function and for us to do it effectively together, we need to make these little adjustments”.

So I strive to do this with a very distinctive voice every day. I do it with humour. If you can’t laugh at yourself when you make a mistake, then life isn’t worth living. I’m the first to jump up and admit when my little autistic moments are funny. The literal pictures that fill my brain are worthy of their very own laugh tracks. The machine that blows sunshine up your ass is always funny. I don’t care who you are.

So cross your fingers for Wee Geek’s broken heart. The bright spot if the day was finding out that he was approved for the Rispirdol drug card. So he can get his meds and it doesn’t cost him anything for the time being. We continue to use our evil powers for good trying to get this college thing resolved.  It sucks to think that my husband followed the rules and got screwed on his kid’s college and Wee Geek’s dad doesn’t follow the rules and gets out of doing his job. Life isn’t fair. That is for sure.