Anniversaries and Rewrites: Such Stuff as Nightmares are Made off


For those of you who were at last posting and just praying for the Best Buy guy not to fuck it up,  he managed not to. After a late start off, we managed to get a great discount on a hotel through a local radio station for Saturday and the hotel room we had on Sunday was just beautiful.

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Truly the stuff that you hope will be in your dreams.  We trolled through antique stores and Goodwills, a couple of thrift stores and even the Deusenburg Museum in Auburn. A brief trip to what’s left of the outlet mall in Fremont yielded super cute boots at a super price. We actually didn’t want to come home.
It did serve to mull some other things about as well. I continue to get closer and closer to the idea of writing full time and I continue to be more and more frustrated by life’s ways of impeding getting any writing done at all.
So the story board made it’s way downstairs and is now propped up on the second sofa with the first chapter partially rewritten and synopsized on post it notes.
I have to say that all of the Best Buy guy’s running out to play rockstar fueled a great deal if last night’s progress. That too is frustrating. I would like to get Wee Geek’s room cleaned out and a more suitable writing area set up. That was indeed my goal over Christmas, but I guess that I will have to wait for Wee Geek to return home again to undertake that. I truly enjoyed just hanging out with him over Christmas and maybe I can get him back for that again some weekend soon.
It’s been very interesting trying to mesh being the mother of a 15 year old with being the parent if this young man who just needs a little gentle guidance along the path and occasionally out of the mire.
So onward we go. I am into the swing of the rewrites now, so I expect things to move along pretty well. Afterall, I have two really good bits if this zombie story and I think that making them two halves of the same story might actually be the answer. Along with letting Kaden tell his own story of the apocalypse. So if I’m off the grid again for a little bit, pray it’s because I’m doing rewrites!

No cookie cutter people here and other trench stories


Today Wee Geek called and worried over being different. He said that sometimes he hated that he didn’t think like other people. This is a legitimate complaint. No one wants to be the weird guy. Not understanding social cues sucks sometimes. That’s just the way our lives are.  He wished he was a cookie cutter boy.

So 5 years of his dad denying his Asperger’s did served to do nothing for anyone but Scott. He can pat himself on the ass that he was able to ignore the issues and he does not have to say that Wee Geek is broken. On the other hand, Wee Geek has lost 5 valuable years of documentation of his disability. He has essentially been deemed as ineligible for services that would be very valuable to him.

This frustrates me more than anything else. Had he still been with us, he would have been through the VR process and be getting the services that would be helpful. I don’t understand this monumental show of complete and utter selfishness. All so you can say what a good dad you are. Good job, ex husband, you’re an asshole.

So in the midst of this I watched the new Kieffer Sutherland show “Touch”. This was a brilliant show and obviously done by some one who is pretty familiar with the more intimate aspects of living on, near, or vaguely in the vicinity of the spectrum. It reminded me that our brain functioning is truly a gift. We think in pictures and patterns. And to us, it makes no sense to think linearly.  Everything is connected. You just have to know where, when, and how to look for those connections. Patterns are irrefutable and prolly explain why we are so bound by routines. The patterns are so comfortable and secure.

There also seems to be a lot of people making connections between people on the spectrum and electromagnetic waves. This is interesting to me. It could explain why patterns affect us so deeply. It may also explain why we are so drawn to them. It is definitely research worth watching.

I hope that Wee Geek starts to remember what a wonderful piece of machinery his brain is. Cookie cutter people are boring. One thing that you can say about living in the land of the not quite right is that we are NEVER boring!

Sometimes it’s hard to keep his head up. It seems as if all the odds are stunningly stacked against him. I’m amazed that he can stay steady at all some days. I admire how strong he is. He’s turned out to be a he’ll of a kid. I am a very lucky mom.

No cookie cutter people here and other trench stories


Today Wee Geek called and worried over being different. He said that sometimes he hated that he didn’t think like other people. This is a legitimate complaint. No one wants to be the weird guy. Not understanding social cues sucks sometimes. That’s just the way our lives are.  He wished he was a cookie cutter boy.

So 5 years of his dad denying his Asperger’s did served to do nothing for anyone but Scott. He can pat himself on the ass that he was able to ignore the issues and he does not have to say that Wee Geek is broken. On the other hand, Wee Geek has lost 5 valuable years of documentation of his disability. He has essentially been deemed as ineligible for services that would be very valuable to him.

This frustrates me more than anything else. Had he still been with us, he would have been through the VR process and be getting the services that would be helpful. I don’t understand this monumental show of complete and utter selfishness. All so you can say what a good dad you are. Good job, ex husband, you’re an asshole.

So in the midst of this I watched the new Kieffer Sutherland show “Touch”. This was a brilliant show and obviously done by some one who is pretty familiar with the more intimate aspects of living on, near, or vaguely in the vicinity of the spectrum. It reminded me that our brain functioning is truly a gift. We think in pictures and patterns. And to us, it makes no sense to think linearly.  Everything is connected. You just have to know where, when, and how to look for those connections. Patterns are irrefutable and prolly explain why we are so bound by routines. The patterns are so comfortable and secure.

There also seems to be a lot of people making connections between people on the spectrum and electromagnetic waves. This is interesting to me. It could explain why patterns affect us so deeply. It may also explain why we are so drawn to them. It is definitely research worth watching.

I hope that Wee Geek starts to remember what a wonderful piece of machinery his brain is. Cookie cutter people are boring. One thing that you can say about living in the land of the not quite right is that we are NEVER boring!

Winter has hit the Land of the Not Quite Right….Finally


It’s a little late. But Winter has finally hit the land of the not quite right. Amazingly enough. We are frozen more than solid and it’s colder than if hell had given up its lease and became a Fridgidaire dealership. It was inevitable and bound to happen, I suppose.

All things are frozen in the Land of the Not Quite Right. The C-Span wars have temporarily been suspended. Only after reminding the Best Buy guy that I know where we keep the sharp things. There were some comments made about my touchiness over the telly, but in reality, I just don’t see the point in flipping the channel every time there’s a commercial and then I end up missing half the show I was watching. It’s stupid. I have damn few other things in the universe that I actually enjoy, why work so freaking hard to take those things away from me? It feels very counter productive. Of course, the BB guy’s standing mode of operation has been that it’s so much easier to piss off the one that you live with, you only have to live with her after all. Stupidity runs rampantly through my house some days.

Wee Geek is somewhat more on kilter. He went back to work for one. So he’s feeling somewhat more on schedule now. People just don’t get how important those little bits of stability are in the world of Asperger’s. We thrive on those little schedules that we build into our lives and we have to have them. We don’t always like them and occasionally we even work at odds against them, but we desperately need them to function. Wee Geek is no exception and the constant stress that has been so wonderfully provided by his asshole father in the last few months has not helped at all. People on the spectrum cannot function with their brains in constant stress. It’s not kind to our systems. Wee Geek isn’t holding up as well as I want him to but he’s also doing much better than I ever expected. I just keep giving him little bits and keep trying to keep him focused on the big picture goals of the universe. The big picture of this entire thing is that he is giong to make it through this and when he is done, it will point it in the direction of what his next step should be.

I have some faith in the universe that this is the way things operate. Everything happens for some reason and we are always pointed in the direction of the path we should be on. Some times we veer off the path and take a different road for awhile. Mainly when we know that’s the road and we are trying to avoid it. I avoided the road that I’m now on for 20 years. Part of it was trying to avoid admitting to myself what I was. Avoiding that I was different and still dreaming about being “normal” or at least fitting in. Pipe dreams are wonderful things, but rarely come to fruition. Part of it was not dealing with what my true talent in life is and swimming in it. I have quite a few talents, but there are some things that I am so much more amazingly good at and that I should just stick with.

I have faith that Wee Geek knows his talents and that he will go with them. I am trying to guide him in that direction so that he doesn’t waste 20 years looking for his way back on the road. It’s a very demented yellow brick road phenomena. As he grows, I realise that the destiny I ws always meant for was to guide him on a path that did not mirror my own. My path sucked and it was long and hard and filled with lots of unnecessary side steps. I want his road to be easier. But then again, he’s a spectrum kid and it is almost inevitable that it will not be. Sucks to be a spectrum kid sometimes.

He was also very upset when his dad didn’t even bother to message him on his birthday. He feels so utterly abandoned and there is nothing that I can do to make that feel better at all. His dad has forever used him to get back at me for whatever the current imagined injustice he is harbouring and now he is no longer useful. Wee Geek is very cognizant of this and it weighs on his conciousness very heavily, I think. I try to keep his head up and he does too. He constantly says that his dad told him he’d never be able to survive on his own because he was such a huge pathetic loser, but he’s doing it. That’s a really big deal. Especially for him. I just keep pumping him up and telling him how proud I am of him. It’s very sad when your relationship with someone is based solely on power. It’s sad when you use that power to make them feel like they don’t deserve to live. Even worse when you use that power to make them think that they are nothing without you. I’m so glad that Wee Geek stood up for himself and showed that he could do things without his dad hanging over his shoulder and belittling him.

Wee Geek did post something about his dad not bothering to tell him happy birthday on face book and got a huge backlash from his dad’s wife’s family. Boy, does he have them snowballed. I wish I had the money that all this super villian-dom should be affording me. He actually has them all believing that he’s some great guy. Wee Geek was told that if he would just apologise to his dad and move back home then all would be forgiven. What a crock of crap! What does my son have to be apologetic for except for having an ass for a father? Why should he apologise for being a victim of a sociopathic whach job. If his dad his so freaking great, why isn’t he doing his part of the job? The backlash of all of this, of course, is that his dad will then run around playing the victim about how unfair it is that he has to pay for all this stuff. If he’d let the case switch to Ohio, this wouldn’t have been an issue. I have such nasty and hateful words in my reportoir for that judge. My kid never gets to come out ahead on anything.

The good news is that I started remapping the zombie story last week and today…miracle upon miracle…but prolly more attributable to the fact that I rarely throw anything away and because electronic files take so much less space than real things…well, I have saved it indefinitely because I’m a collector and I can’t bear things to disappear. I knew that there was a good chance that the electronic file was still somewhere. I tried the netbook and of course, I had transferred it because of the netbook’s little memory. I haven’t invested in an external drive, yet. I suppose that will have to be my next big purchase for the author branding. And a tablet. In the interest of rambling, I found the files and got them printed. I now have printed copies of both zombie novels. Now, the decision remains whether they should remain two novels or become one good super novel.

I’m fueled by the posting on Zombie Fiend this week that 2012 is the year of the girl zombie author. What better girl to put a notch on that title than your very own Autie Zombie Girl? Well, no one of course. I will be making some of those decisions this week, I think. I really am excited about getting back into the rewriting/editing part of this. I really want this novel out the door in the next few weeks. Unfortuneately, my job is not conducive to thinking when I get home. I usually just want to veg out and do nothing. Lately I’ve been doing cross stitch again. And watching Netflix. Not productive on the whole, but relaxing.

When I figure out what path the zombie novel is taking, I will report. In the meantime, use your evil powers for good.

It’s the End of the World as we know it and other Autistic New Year Adventures


So here we sit on the very brink of a new year. Because the Best Buy guy failed to plan we have been driving around Dipshitville looking for shit to do. Let me tell you exactly how boring small town America is when most of the bars have closed because no one has a freaking job…or did you guess?

So I have been devoting some time thinking about this year. Christmas was a bust for everyone I think. Wee geek was so excited to go to my family’s and it was nothing close to what he remembered. My drug addict step mother was more annoying than usual, but possibly because tensions were already riding in the that strange place of uncertainty that could suddenly spiral desperately out if control and holds the promise of uncertain oblivion. The bright spot if that little spires being the white elephant gift swap in which my drug addict step mother acquired my coconut monkey head that we got at the Don Jo Restaurant in Hawaii. She was pissed! It was lovely. Now all boring or tension relief needing conversations are punctuated with “And Cheryl got the monkey head” also followed with several high fives.

The little get together at my on laws fared little better. I was once again the bitch and bad guy in residence because the Best Buy forgot purposefully to talk to his daughter about her dog and my allergies. It absolutely amazes me at the sheer level of inconsideration that his kids are allowed to show on a regular basis. We had to have the argument about how my allergy wasn’t just going to go away because they say the dog is hypo allergenic and how even if I’m the only one who has a problem it is still a problem. The Best Buy guy astounds me in his willingness to piss me off on a more than regular basis and his unwillingness to make a daughter upset. This has become a way less than endearing trait on him.

So having Wee Geek home over Christmas was wonderful. In all the insanity of getting things done for him there had been no chill out hang out time and that was awesome. I enjoyed just having him home with no agenda other than enjoying him. I think the Best Buy guy is having some adjustment issues. He did give Wee Geek $40 and that was nothing short of amazing.

In reflecting in this last year and groping for highlights outside of my new found addiction to the show “Hoarders”, I reach back to my son contacting me and our relationship being mostly intact and my story getting published. It doesn’t seem like very much athirst glance, but it was actually all my dreams coming true in just a few short weeks.  Of course, the planning of the Best Buy guys retirement, which he is desperately hoping is my writing. We’ll see how that pans out for him.

As I sit hear pondering what 2012 might bring, I have many hopes. I am busily planning out the finishing of the Boller County book and rethinking “The Land of the Not Quite Right”. Anxious to get back to “The Mothman Chronicles” and finish it up. It feels as if it somehow got lost in NaNo and I hope to get it back on track.

2012 is currently looking bright enough for shades. We shall see what happens. It is now only 8 minutes away and I have a wonderful buzz happening with a little surprise for the Best Buy guy for when we get home. I think he’ll be pleasantly ingratiated.

And in case I forgot which I’m sure I did. Happy New Year. Go out and slay a dragon and make a dream come true.

Never Underestimate the power of autistic people on a mission


Not many people can understand how overwhelming house cleaning can be for people on the spectrum. But it can be. Since wee geek left home, his room has become a sort of catch all place for stuff in our house. It also is the place where the Best Buy guy dumps things that he doesn’t want to deal with. Especially if they are mine. So, after how ever many years of dumping stuff in there, that room was pretty overwhelming. I spent most of Saturday morning cleaning the sewing/craft room, so it was pretty squared away by the time wee geek came and declared his room worthy of FEMA funding.

Thank goodness that he came. He just started yanking things out of there and throwing things into bins, trash bags, and piles of need to go somewhere, but we don’t know where. This helped to make it a matter of just rearranging the piles of stuff. It took us most of the afternoon and me the rest of Sunday, but it got done. So, the power of two of us together made it a little less overwhelming. I had been in there several times, but it just got to me and I couldn’t get a thing accomplished. It’s just like going into other people’s houses, though. When it’s not your stuff, it’s a lot easier to see what is crap and what is not.

On Sunday morning, I went downstairs to see wee geek sleeping peacefully on the sofa. It was so surreal, seeing him there. And I expect that next week when he’s home with his girlfriend it will be even more surreal. We have talked over more of the yucky stuff about his dad and discovered that we are both pretty pissed off about the same stuff. I think the thing that annoys me the most is that the court has made a long standing policy of letting him get away with doing the least amount of things possible for wee geek. Even when wee geek lived there, I paid more in child support than he ever did and made him pay for himself too telling him that I wasn’t contributing anything. Outrageous!

So, in the midst of doing last minute Christmas stuff, the subject of our uninvited four legged Thanksgiving visitor came up. The complete inconsideration of the incident has made me very upset with both of the supposed adults in the situation. Especially with the Best Buy guy. I do not want this incident to be repeated at Christmas. I don’t think it’s too much to ask that I don’t have to put up with things like this. I guess I’m tired of the inconsideration that is often given to me. As if I’m not important to him. This is not the first time that we’ve had these moments of inconsideration. I’m over it. He needs to figure it out.

So, after taking the month of December off and am ready to jummp into some editing at the beginning of the year. So, I am thinking that a zombie story will be out before the summer. I think the ghost story will be out pretty quickly after that. I expect to have the mothman story ready before the end of next year. It seems like such an unbelievable moment, but it’s feeling more attainable, now. Amazing and very surreal, but absolutely attainable.

We saw the new Sherlock Holmes this weekend, too. I was so disappointed. In the first movie, you had these delicious glimpses of how an autistic brain works. In this movie, they almost overdosed you on it. After you’ve seen Sherlock think through every move in a fight before it happens, you don’t need to see it five more times in this movie. There was the one nice little moment of the alone-ness actually sinking in and Sherlock almost touching that his own personality was the root of the issue. There was one more little moment of the crowd overwhelming him during a dance and only being able to pick out little bits that are not useful at all. Showing those moments of trying to filter all of the confusion of sensory input is so wonderfully done. It’s so hard to explain to people that this is how our brains work.

Wee geek and I had a discussion of trying to explain to others different aspects of being on the spectrum. It is very difficult to do. People do not understand thinking in pictures. People do not understand how the patterns in things just pop out. Especially if they can’t see them. Sometimes I feel like I see the patterns and it’s an eternity before anyone else gets them. I am constantly reminded of watching “Alphas” and seeing the main character see electromagnetic and data input. This is what it is like for me when I see the patterns in things.

I am looking forward to the surrealness of Christmas to come. It is the first Christmas with Wee geek back in our lives. I feel the strain with the Best Buy guy as he tries to figure out where his place is again. He acts as if everything has changed. It hasn’t. It’s just been added to. My soul feels complete again. Which is something that I think he wishes he could have done, but he couldn’t. He tried. He just wasn’t that successful. He helped me to forget the hole was there occasionally, but then it would open up again and swallow me whole like a gigantic shark with no ability to guage when it is full. He had no way to deal with the depression inside of me. Now, he cannot always understand the anger inside of me. I feel so stommped upon by a system that should have protected my son and I but instead put him in the arms of an abuser that I had worked so hard to keep him away from.

So, onward we march to the insanity of the season. I’m sure that I will be only partially insane by the time it is all over. But it will be blissfully surreal because of the presence of wee geek.

Book signings and mall people


It’s been a long holiday season. Halloween was busy and Thanksgiving was it’s usual nightmare. The third printing of “Dead Souls” is still hanging about so if you haven’t gotten one, there is still hope for you.

So I’ve had several interesting things happen. I went to see John Elder Robison author of “Look me in the eye” and “Be different” speak in Indy in November. It was awesome. John is a typical Asperger’s guy in a lot of ways, but once he gets to talking, he is extremely full of wonderful personal experience that he truly enjoys sharing.  The very best part of John’s talk was that he was willing to talk to people forever afterward and share all of the pictures from concerts and circuses that he had taken and put on his Ipad.  He also took a copy of “Dead Souls” and read it on the plane back to DC with a tiny Facebook shout out to your favourite autistic zombie girl.

Then there was the general and usual nightmare of Thanksgiving that I barely circumvented by threatening to go to a hotel to write uninterrupted all day if the Best Buy guy didn’t act at least a tiny bit sane. This tactic seems to have worked well I may try it again in the future. Maybe as early as Christmas. Of course I had to laugh when I told my husband I was going to a hotel because of how crazy he acts and he said that the wee geek was invited. Imagine my son was invited for a holiday celebration. Wow! It was almost as if he wouldn’t have been invited to begin with. Alas, the wee geek was at his girlfriend’s for Thanksgiving.

So things went smoothly for a little bit even though we can’t seem to get the asshole ex back to court yo do his part for wee geek. Just like always for him. If he’s not getting anything from it (mainly collecting half my pay check) then he doesn’t want to deal.

So onward we march. I have done two events at our local mall in the past couple of months. So I’ve been people watching quite a bit. It’s interesting. Seems about 80% of the traffic in the mall consists of mall walkers and older people just leaving church. Not much market for zombie books. However we are seeing some efforts to once again nurture our little art community here in dipshitville. At least this time we are seeing some interest in other creative arts not just traditional paint and canvas and jewelry. We’ve had local authors and musicians, too. Which when we are talking about nurturing creative communities we must talk about all creative input, not just what we think of as traditional creativity. Art is so many things and without the wonderful brains of artists, our lives would be very boring indeed.

NaNo is finally over and this year’s 50,000 words proved to be very difficult even with the improvement of having the Scrivener software. I also had 3 complete days of being as sick as a dog that did nothing to help my word count at all. The ideas that I generated about how things were going to go in this new novel definitely evolved and the editing and complete rewriting will really be fantastic I think. It went in a little different direction than I expected, but I’m still excited about the possibilities of it.

Back to mall watching. I know that we all must pay our dues in getting things off the ground, but it sometimes makes me very grouchy. I did technically make my booth rent, but it was very hard to sit still for two days and take that much time out of writing or finishing Christmas up.  I am trying to think if it as getting the AutieZombieGirl brand out there. The Best Buy guy is very confused about the idea of branding in general. I just realize that you must have something to gear the business itself. Hence AZG has been born.

We also had to run a new car down to the wee geek on Thursday. His blew up and we bought a new one from my in laws. Well an old one, but new for him. It was a huge hassle and a never ending series of unfortunate events. The first occurred about an hour and a half into the trip when I made the mistake of running into a gas station bathroom to pee and locked my phone in the car. I had a set of keys in my hand that did not open the door. Finally the owner was able to open it. Not before having a huge meltdown with the BB guy who was completely not getting the direness of the situation. On the road again, we were able to get the old car towed after being shaken down by the tow truck driver. Wee geek made money on the seats and then on the car. So he was happy and able to give money to gramma for his car, too. On the way home, 275 was a freaking parking lot and it took 2 hours to go 2 miles. We got off and ate with the BB guy bitching and whining all the way. His attitude didn’t really help. It just always seems that when it’s his kids, we can never go too far, but the tiniest things are huge inconveniences for mine. And we can never do enough for not kid. I wish I understood the driving forces behind the male penis occasionally.  I will never know, though.

So, dear reader, I will leave you with all these wonderful jumbled up thoughts.  Make of them what you will and as always, use your evil powers for good!

What’s New in The Land of the Not Quite Right and how it affects the rest of the community


Welcome back to the land of the not quite right. I’ve tried not to be away so long. I’m inspired today by Ray Davies.

I was standing in the crowd at this concert. 2 rows back watching Ray Davies sing all of these old songs that I barely remember because they were on some ancient jukebox of my past. I was standing as everyone around me was singing the lyrics to the Misfits.
“You’re a misfit
Afraid of yourself so you run away and hide.
You’ve been a misfit all your life
But why don’t you join the crowd and come inside
You wander round this town
Like you’ve lost your way
You had your chance in your day
Yet you still threw it all away
Now you’re lost in the crowd
Yet you still go your own way.”

I was suddenly struck by the idea that in this crowd full of strangers, not one of them really understood what it was like to be the misfit. To never fit in and to never get invited to try and fit in. None of them knew what going your own way really truly meant.

So, I’m struck by this on a few levels. One of them is my own personal experience of being that little misfit girl who never really figured it out and just strove for being a misfit to look somewhat normal. I guess I make it look easy now at this point in my life. Don’t placate me with “We’re all unique/different in our own way. We’re all special in our ways.” That’s cookie cutter people talk for wearing red instead of green and green day. Unless you’ve made a life out of being different, you don’t really understand what it means. We’re not all unique. Because if we were all unique, everyone would be inventing things and making the world different. But that isn’t the case. The fact is that it takes those few people thinking outside of the box to make the world actually work. There is a Hot Topic quality to life today. Take all the weird shit that we used to do that made us different and mass market it so that everyone can be the same in their difference. Great business plan, but zero points in the tolerance department. All that has happened is that our own uniqueness has been branded and given to the freaks so that they can be a different kind of cookie cutter people. Don’t be surprised, though, freaks, you will still screw it up and it will still not be quite right.

So, another part of my life is touched as well. The part that recognises another little girl that has been doing her own thing in little ways and is somewhat unique and wonderful. This little girl is letting her life be turned completely upside down by people who probably will not matter in the end. At least their pushing and prodding toward some insane end will probably not matter. You can not let others turn your life into something that it is not for their benefit. We all have to be masters of our own destinies and the moment you let one other person develop the plan, you turn into a cookie cutter purpose.
And then there is the state of funding in Indiana for people with disabilities. God forbid, a million years ago, I let some senior management guy talk me into attending a training for developing autism teams in Indiana. The idea was that at least one person on the team should actually be autistic so that the point of view was being addressed. I was all for that. However, the original idea was that these autism teams would set the tone for autism services in the state. This has not really been the end result. Just like every other thing that involves services, it has been left to neurotypical people to tell autistic people how to feel, what to feel, when to feel, and what their own experience is. I for one do not want neurotypical people determining these things.
A neurotypical person cannot tell me how I’m feeling, I am the only one that can do that. They cannot tell me what I need, either. And I’m certainly not going to let them determine what I want. The disability system has become rather like the education system. A bunch of non-teachers telling teachers how to do their jobs to the most effectiveness. I feel like all the autistics are being told how to be autistic by people who don’t have a clue.
I know that in the world of needs that the rocking, head banging guy with echolalia is going to win. No one cares that I’m only marginally successful in the world of reality when it comes to social skills. I have a job and I have friends. I must be normal.
The autism spectrum is called a spectrum because there is a range of us who function under the umbrella of the diagnosis. We range from very low functioning, very sensory oriented low functioning people to very smart and pretty well functioning with varying degrees of functioning people. We come in all sizes of social awkwardness. We come in all sizes of employment success. However, the need remains the same, no matter where we are. Stress shuts us down immensely and causes all sorts of problems. We are driven by routines and thinking patterns that can occasionally become obsessive. We are driven by the high sensory needs of a spider on roller skates.
I need as much help in certain situations as a low functioning person. It’s a matter of stress processing. And it is very difficult. You can not take two or three parts of the spectrum and say these are the people that we are getting federally funded for servicing, fuck all to the rest. We are all important and only we can speak for our needs.
We need to get together and figure it out. We need to tell them what we need and what we want. We need to make sure that people who are not us are not making the decisions for us. I don’t want some idiot guy deciding that I need more sensory input when I’m hyper sensitive to it. I don’t need that same guy deciding that I’m unfit because of my sensory stuff. I need to know that I have resources for when I’m in trouble and that there are people out there who are not afraid when I start at well-functioning and end up in a puddle of not functioning at the end of the day. I need people in this community that understand that and don’t act like I’m a freak when I can’t cope.
Deep inside we all want to know that we are accepted and loved for exactly what we are. Deep inside we want to know that we aren’t freaks, but rather just someone who thinks a lot differently and has a lot to contribute to the planet because of my unique perceptions and viewpoints. It’s not hard for me to point my camera and take a picture from my perspective. The question is, is it hard for you to interpret and respond to? Does your own in the box thinking keep you from experiencing the wonderfulness wrapped up in this perspective? Think about it.

Trench posting 101


Wow, once again time has just sped past me again in a speed that is somewhat faster than breakneck and only a few miles per hour slower than Mach 5.
Things progress with my son and he is growing more used to the Asperger’s diagnosis and trying to navigate the services he may need. We got a call from Vocational Rehabilitation today asking for more info so that seems good.
We have sat through 3 days if training and my brain feels somewhere between totally fried and numb with exhaustion.
But something popped into my brain today. I know I’m more sensitive because I grew up completely weird and always left out of things because I’m weird. It wasn’t just school or social stuff. It felt like everything in life went by me in some demented puzzle that I would forever be unable to open or unlock. It still feels like sometimes, but I cover it up a lot better and it looks more normal now.
So there’s been a couple of things happen lately that I just wanted to talk about. The first one is about differences. We all know who I’m talking about. And since it’s my blog, I feel okay with saying it’s about me. The first thing that I want to clear up is that at this stage in the game of life, I’m pretty cognizant that I’m weird. It’s not a secret to me. So when your kids, grandkids, nieces, nephews, and sordid other little people in your life point out that I’m different, don’t hush them. Tell them that it takes lits of different people to make the world the wonderful place that it is. I’m not wrong because I’m different. I’m just different.
By the same token, stop telling kids that we’re all different in our own special way. We’re not. And don’t patronize me by saying that of course we all have something weird about us. We don’t. The world needs cookie cutter people who always follow the rules and always get the social stuff. It needs those people who never rock the boat just as much as it needs those of us who either rock the boat or bedazzle it!
If everyone were unique or special or weird or whatever euphemism you want to use, the world would not function. We have to all do something that uses our talents to the utmost. It just looks different. Frankly, if I wasn’t here giving you my little odd and witty takes on life, you would just sit bored all day. Think about it.
So next time, dear reader, you run across someone who makes you uncomfortable because they are different from you, remember that without us people who shake things up, everything would stay the same always. I know you expect me , in all my autistic splendor to be the first one in line for that boat, but I’m not. I don’t want things to stay the same. Because even though that means things will not change and by virtue of that, they won’t get worse, it also means they won’t get any better. You decide!

Welcome Back to the Land of the Not Quite Right: Or We Missed you and we’re all autistic here!


What a difference a day makes! Or perhaps it’s really just the effort of one girl who loves my son just exactly the way that he is. In all his oddity and weirdity, but extremely awesome wonderfulness.

Yesterday he tells me that the girlfriend and he have been talking about “the Asperger’s thing”. Turns out that she found a checklist and decided that he was everything on the list. I just wanted to shout, “This is what I’ve been trying to tell you!” Of course, when you’ve been told for four years that it’s not okay to be something, you get gunshy about saying it out loud. So, I’ve just been my normal self and showing that I’m okay with it. We all need models for behaviours in this world. So, my living everyday to the best of my ability, whether it’s a stimmy day or not, shows other people that autism is a spectrum and that if we learn the appropriate strategies, that it doesn’t have to make us “suffer”.

In the middle of all of this, I had to tell my son that there are resources available to him. He was amazed. So several calls to several agencies later, he has an appointment at Voc Rehab and I have a little clearer idea of what we need to do to get him in to services with the Bureau of Developmental Disabilities.

So, we went from I’m crazy and don’t know what’s wrong with him because Dad said so, to some divine intervention from a girlfriend and an acceptance for him. He may not be totally convinced, but at least, he’s willing to accept some help.

This to me is like watching the strobe light explode. I feel like I won a gold medal, an Oscar, and got voted president for life all wrapped up in one! We’re on a road and now we are going along! So, dear readers, cross your fingers, and let’s all hope that someone in the state of Ohio gets it, and realises what’s going on with him and helps him!

Everyone needs a little help sometimes! I just am glad that he came to me finally, because I don’t know where he would be right now without it. I have a sneaking suspicion that I would not have a living son, and if I did he would be extremely pissed off about it!

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