Sometimes You Should Listen To The Past

You know, some people make major life decisions and just glide easily into the change without ever having to look back and without any regrets whatsoever. Some people can just make changes and never even blink. Autistic people have to measure everything about the change, feel out all the variables, think about every repercussion of every variable, obsess about the possibility of missing one of them and then rethink it all again.
We can’t ever think out every possibility. It’s prolly the curse of the whole Asperger’s thing. I don’t suffer from bouts of over confidence very often because I always have karma to kick me in the ass and hold me down for extra beatings just in case I start feeling cocky about any of it. I should listen to those little bits of karma. Every time in my life that I have tried to make a change without it being forced upon me via firing, relationship breaking up (another kind of firing I suppose), or legal action by an admittedly moronic judge in the insane police state of Delaware county….well, it’s never really gone well. Never once in 43 years has change initiated by me turned out okay. Forced change, however, actually turns out okay every now and then.
With forced change there is no opportunity to flounder endlessly in whatifs. Instead there is a sudden push into “oh my fucking god how do I stabilize again?” The other part of this is that there is actually some part of the autistic brain that actually functions pretty well under this kind of stress. The reality of it all is that our brains strive toward that sense of stability. We can’t function outside of it so we fight really hard to make it happen. The funny part about it is that we don’t really care how demented that stability is. We just need it. No matter what form it takes. I’m chuckling to myself right now because there have been times in my life when that “stability” has been pretty fucked up. And yet I still wanted the known, no matter how fucked up, much more than the uncertainty and thus the change. I think it’s difficult for neurotypical people to completely grasp this concept. They have no anxiety about this stuff. They also have not experienced the wonderful feeling of karma kicking them straight in the teeth every time they try to deal with a change. It’s amazing how non-frightening change is to those people and how horribly crippling and frightening change is to us.
It’s a process. Learning how to do change. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do it gracefully. I will always have to be dragged kicking and screaming through it. I also know that karma really takes a great deal of pleasure in kicking my ass when I try to move forward. The one thing about doing the things you have to do is that once the people who have it easy in life discover that you will do what you have to, they will never ever let you do the things you want to. For instance, I really want to write. My attention is so scattered and distracted when I’m having to work and try to write. I would love to have a few weeks to completely concentrate on this zombie book and get it out the fucking door.
I have this overwhelming need to demand a do over. Why isn’t grown up life as clear cut as kindergarten. I don’t know if the rules made sense to me then, but they definitely make huge amounts of sense now. Mostly because I know how complicated and stupid grown up life is. I think, too, that karma takes a very perverse pleasure in knowing how much I would pay for one choice to work out for me just once. I know it’s a silly little pipe dream I have. Sigh. I don’t like complicated, but nothing is ever very easy in my life.
I will just be obsessing about all of the choices and decisions I’ve made lately. For the rest of the night. All night. Sigh.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. ignitethepowerinme
    Sep 26, 2012 @ 07:55:44

    Reblogged this on IGNITE.


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