Hurry Up and Wait and Other Methods For Putting Off the Future


We’ve had lots of waiting in our lives lately. It has been a very challenging time in our lives. First and foremost we are on the edge of possibly finding out what’s going on with my health. Around Memorial Day, I woke up one morning with no peripheral vision on my right side. $500 and 3 trips to the eye doctor, one of which was in Lafayette, and a random blood test, there are still no answers and varying degrees of loss of vision depending on the day. It mostly seems to depend on how I feel that day. Kind of a sucky trade off, I know. The eye doctor in Lafayette, who charged me $250 up front before he would even look at me and then did a half assed examination of my eye that was not anywhere close to what my eye doctor here in Marion had done, had no better answers for me except that it was “expanded blind spot syndrome and lots of people with this have lupus”.

We scheduled something called an ERG with a doctor in Carmel and waited some more. This is exactly why you should ask lots of questions about tests and why tests are necessary. The random blood test that they did here in Marion that actually precipitated this trip to Lafayette turned out to be our first clue. It was called a sed rate test. This basically measures how quickly your red blood cells fall in a test tube in a specific amount of time. This shows inflammatory activity in your body. Apparently mine was sky rocket high. I finally went to my regular doctor in the middle of all this, basically to see if I actually needed to have this ERG done, which I found out was a MRI of my eye. After 3 doctors had told me that there was nothing wrong with my eye, they wanted me to go and get an MRI? No, thank you. The nurse practitioner that I finally ended up with took about 3 gallons of blood and ran about every test imanginable. She is thinking lupus as well.

After last week’s round of blood test, I have good kidney and liver function. My ANA which is another test that they wanted done that basically is a snapshot in a moment of time of antibody activity was normal. This is not necessarily indicative of anything, though. It basically tells us if there’s a reason to run the lupus screen, but my smart cookie of a FNP decided to just run that regardless. Rheumatoid was high but normal. Vitamin D was low and calcium was low. Yay for menopause! So now I have a prescription for the ever present nauseau and a Vitamin D supplement. Then there was another antibody test that high normal was a 4 and mine is like 16.

There are no answers here. Sigh. So now we are waiting for all of the other various screening panels to come back. I hope that there will be some answers at my appointment today. Waiting and waiting. Best Buy guy is trying to be patient. We feel like we are on the cusp of so many things that are going to change our lives completely that we don’t know what to do. We are definitely feeling caught in a tailspin.

Wee Geek moved into his own apartment last week. I have so many reservations/feelings about this that I just try to keep them to myself and hope that fate works out a little better for him. Of course, I am still livid that the system that supposedly was protecting my son did little but screw us both royally.  He is angry and defiant and having a pretty shitty attitude about the whole thing, but coping and moving forward. Why I was ever silly enough to think that the system would actually work for us in the end, is completely beyond me. I hope that the voter’s of Delaware County are very aware of Kim Dowling’s record of protecting child abusers and assholes before they make her a judge. She has a very long record of working for what essentially looks like the common evil. I’ve seen her in action personally and I’ve watched her work on others. It’s truly a wonder, but not a good one. She is as crooked as they come. It helps that she’s managed to get lots of judges snowballed into believing that she is actually spouting the truth when in reality, it is only the truth as she sees it. This does not necessarily reflect even the slightest hint of reality. She truly has the gift of dressing a pig up in fine clothing.

I just feel badly that Wee Geek is the one that has paid for it. It’s a very hard lesson in what is right. His dad once again was patted on the back for stealing from him and making everyone miserable to match his own miserable self. It’s sad that the system felt that money and an expensive and crooked lawyer equalled justice. Sigh.

I’m glad that Wee Geek is moving forward. He’s had a rough go of it this last year and I am planning something in the back of my brain for the one year anniversary of returning to my life. I have been thinking about this quite a lot lately. His dad worked really hard to ruin the relationship that we had, and he didn’t manage to do anything of the sort. I knew in my heart that his godmother was right. I had him for 15 years, I put a lot of good things into that child in that time. I see it every day. He never resorts to the lessons that his dad tried to teach him because they were not good lessons. They were just little circles of hatred and malice that should never be repeated. Wee Geek knows what makes a good person a good person and he really strives to do the right thing most of the time. Of course, he’s 20 and he often thinks with his male appendage, but overall, I think he is successful in doing what is fair. I’m glad that I managed to teach him these things.

There are big changes on the horizon and I will continue to move forward. I do not know today what it all looks like or even what it might look like in the future. It’s a little scary. Sometimes though, this is the route to take. The path of the unknown. The path of moving forward no matter what it might actually mean. Sigh. One thing is for certain, though. Updates are imminent.

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