First Mother’s Day in 5 years and Other Sordid Passings


I’m sorry that I’ve neglected you for so long, dear readers. As we have moved through life in the last couple of months, what little energy I have seems directed at other projects. Funny how life sneaks up on you like that and overtakes you. It scoops you up and drags you along in the current of it and threatens to roll you into the undertow. Attempts to drown you in the feeling of it all.

Wee Geek is on a more even keel. Getting patient assistance for his meds and keeping him going on them has made a huge difference. He seems to feel better all the way around too. He seems to have a better grasp on this relationship thing, too. Always a good thing. He gets it more than I did at his age, thank goodness.

Wee Geek turns into a greater and greater kid with every day that passes.  He asked for Mother’s Day off and fought work over it. He went to Dayton to pick up my mom and bring her to Muncie for lunch at Outback and to go see “Dark Shadows”. It was a fantastic day in that respect.

I was struck by how truly happy that moment made me. I sat across from my son in the booth and could hardly wipe the stupid grin off my face. I was so grateful for this moment that I have been deprived off for 5 years. What no one realises is that when you go through what we did there is so much emotional crap to wade through. I know that back in 2007 that idiot judge did not care in the slightest that it was the Friday before Mother’s Day. Or maybe he did. Maybe that was the ultimate punishment. Maybe that was the point. Some days I am in absolute certainty that it was exactly what he meant. Other days I know without any uncertainty that it is just the corruption that oozes out of every pore of the Delaware County court system.

I don’t know if they knew that I would spend 5 years doubting all sorts of things about myself. I spent a lot of time questioning everything I’ve ever done for Wee Geek. It is difficult to hold your entire life under a microscope and examine it. It’s worse to watch others do it for illicit purposes. Suddenly, every decision, every word I’d ever spoken, every word I hadn’t spoken, every fiber of me was being looked at and criticized. Beyond harshly, too. It was as if I was dead and they’d given my ex-husband a platform or at least a license to stomp on my body. I’m not a person who can afford to wallow in self regrets and bad choices. If I gave in to that I would get nothing else done. EVER….

But 5 years of questioning and turning every moment around and around in my head took a real toll on me personally and emotionally. It has taken me awhile to stop looking at everything and trying to second and triple guess what my ex and the lawyers and the judge were going to piece out and decide to penalize me over.

I feel in my heart and soul that I always made the choices for Wee Geek that I did because I was using all of the information that I had and with the best possible intentions. It makes me very angry that all of these people who did not live in my life and did not have to live out the consequences were making all of these massive decisions in my life. Terrifying. It’s easy to make a heart breaking choice when it’s not your heart that’s breaking, I guess. I wonder how they would have behaved with their identities being completely yanked out from under them. That is essentially what they did to me. My entire identity was Wee Geek’s mom. Suddenly I wasn’t a mom anymore. I was just this empty shell of a girl who’d lost everything that meant anything.

So I thought about all of these things as I sat across from my son. In my happiness, all of those horrid angry feelings had relocated. They have been entertaining the little guy in the back if my brain for a few days. He’s easily amused.

I thought about some other things as well. How life goes in circles mostly. It’s a very strange path that we travel on in this life and we must follow the road whether or not it is paved with yellow bricks. Mostly not. At least in my case. I’m sure that my ex takes a great deal of pleasure thinking that he’s gotten away with something akin to murder. He also revels in the thought that he’s ruined me financially, while he sits and never pays for for anything that he’s done in any way once again.  It very much feels like that. I hate to dwell on it or to even feel as if I’m dwelling on it, but it’s difficult to muster up any feeling that is not ill will when every day is a reminder that I can’t help Wee Geek with something or that he’s not able to follow his dreams because his dad is a selfish bastard. It’s not fair to anyone. But it’s most not fair to Wee Geek and that is what upsets me.  That he continues to have to pay for the mistake I made.

Past that, there have been other happenings in this past few months. Things that have reminded us of what is important. We continue to struggle to keep Wee Geek where he is and independent. However, we also continue to see the giant blinky yellow arrow sign of doom that points out the road back to home. He worries about this. I worry about this. We keep trying to put a rosy face on this uncertain future. It will not be easy in the coming months. He’s afraid that he will lose his independence. I keep telling him that there won’t be much difference and I cannot seem to make him realise that you have to move forward even when the future feels so awful and uncertain. Of course, that uncertainty is almost the kiss of death for an autistic lot. We’re getting throught it.

I have lots of thoughts that have gone through my brain as of late. Thinking of Wee Geek and how we are getting through all of this. How will we survive? I have no idea. I only know that we will.

I have once again made connections with my past that are amazing. I am always happy to make connections with old friends, but this one is certainly a cherished one. This particular old friend wandered away when I was being isolated, however, it was not because there was no friendship there. It was because there was nothing left to say or do.  Sometimes when friends can’t help you on your path, they have to let you go on your way and wait for you. That is what this friend and a lot of others did for me. This friend reminded me today that I was instrumental in his choice of name when he changed it. That is amazing to me that I did that for a friend. So this connection is an important reminder that you cannot escape your past, but it is not always unpleasant. At a time when much of my past feels immensely unpleasant, I am grateful for this reminder that not all of the things associated with that time in my life are awful. Some of them were good.

We are standing on the precipice of another event in our lives. Best Buy guy’s oldest daughter gets married this weekend. We spent the weekend looking for a dress. After buying two dresses at a department store, one of which I hated and one of which BB guy hated, I wandered into Goodwill and found a great dress that we both love for $3. Can’t beat that with a sharp stick in the eye, so I’m going with it. Took the other two dresses back. We’ve spent the biggest part of the evening looking for a father daughter dance song. He’s decided on something, I think. It will be all right.

I have this feeling that there are a lot of things that we are standing on the edge of. The summer will come to pass and we will see what it brings. I am standing and facing it with this brave little face. I know no other way to do it. Great old world resolve inside of me, I suppose.

I will go forward. Trying to hold the torch high for Wee Geek to follow. The future will bring whatever it brings. We have no choice but to follow the path. Wherever it leads.

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