Waking up from Nightmares


Wow, this week has been a never ending roller coaster. The most bizarre thing happened Wednesday. My son, yes, dear reader, I said my son called me at work yesterday and left a message for me with a phone number to call him.
I absolutely felt as if someone had walked over my grave and I absolutely felt like my whole world was spiraling totally and completely out of control! I want to be happy and sad and angry and a whole bunch of other things all of the same time. My system feels like it’s working on overtime mode.
It was a good talk and we dealt with some yucky stuff, but it was absolutely amazing! I am reeling and whirling and alternately crying and wanting to jump up and down. I can’t even coherently put all of the thoughts together in one place.
So we are a few days into putting this relationship back together and it’s hard. Very hard.
I have a jillion questions and a jillion things I want to say. Some things I need to say, but can’t. Some things I need to know, but Kale doesn’t want to tell me.
I don’t think it’s unreasonable that I’m feeling angry about the situation and having him in there again brings up a lot of that anger. He isn’t really wanting me to be angry. He’s expecting me to not be angry and I am. I try not to be but it’s difficult. He acts like I have an equal amount of culpability here and I don’t. I was screwed and treated badly and denied my rights to be his parent. And somehow, he seems to think that I had some control over the situation and I didn’t. He doesn’t know what it’s like to walk into court and be called retarded because of my Asperger’s.
It’s hard to move things forward. I am so conflicted. I want to help him and take care of things, but I feel like I can’t jump in all out because I’m going to be hurt in this. I definitely have been through too much to have anymore crap on my plate.
It’s been up and down and all around. I don’t want to feel like he’s playing me against the middle. Some things have to be accomplished. I can’t help him if I’m giving his dad half my paycheck. I also don’t think it’s fair that his dad has made me out to be the bad guy. It’s definitely a bad feeling.
I also am upset that his dad has made him think that it’s not okay to have Asperger’s. I spent a long time making him okay with the way that he was. Now, I feel as if he isn’t quite so okay with it. I know that I needed that diagnosis to confirm that I wasn’t broken. Kale didn’t need it for that reason. He needed it to get him through school. He was confident enough in his own wonderfulness without it. But still it sort of feels as if he is spitting in my face. I know I have to get over that because it doesn’t matter. All that matters is that he’s happy with the way that he is.
It’s just that I spent a long time getting that diagnosis and had to fight with a lot of people and put up with just as many of them calling me crazy. So it feels like he thinks I’m crazy now, too. It also feels like I’m out here all by myself again. I know I’m not, but it feels like that.
So how do you put something back together with your child when you haven’t seen him in 4 years? How do you regulate all the crappy stuff inside of you so that it doesn’t come out as that? I don’t know either.
It definitely feels like there are places where nothing has changed and there are places where there are huge holes. There are places where it feels really great and there are places where it’s not so good.
I guess the impatience in me wants it all to be okay right NOW! It’s not that I want to go over all the old ground. I just feel like some things have to be said, done, dealt with. I hate leaving yucky stuff to be dealt with. I want it out of the way so that I can enjoy the good stuff.
Today I just feel confused. I suppose that’s normal. The Best Buy guy says it probably should feel confusing. I know I’m being a complete Asperger’s kid and having trouble reconciling all of my emotions and feelings. I know I’m just feeling overwhelmed because I haven’t dealt with any of these emotions and now I’m having to and that kind of sucks. I’m glad it’s for such a good reason, but it definitely makes me feel unsure.
So dear readers, how should I do this? What can I do? How do I move myself forward when I have so many questions and not answers? I don’t know either.

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