Sucked into the abyss of drama

In the last couple of years, I’ve gotten pretty good at eliminating drama from my life.  I’ve become fairly effective at identifying the drama causers and getting them to back slowly away from the autistic girl.

Then there was a little bug that visited me and told me that my father had finally gotten fed up with my step mother’s drug abuse.  The true story is some Jerry Springer show topic.  The reality is that it impacts everyone.  As an adult I understand that I can pick and choose who I have relationships with and this does include the people that in previous parts of my life that I thought I “had” to maintain relationships with.  I have learned that sometimes the people that think you have to maintain relationships with them no matter what do not understand this choice.

I have watched many incidents of enabling in my life and this particular set of parents are the masters.  Removing myself from their situation has been one of the healthiest things that I have ever done for myself.

Now, dear and devoted readers, my problem is multifaceted and I have no road maps for dealing with it.  I want to be supportive without being dragged into the drama.  I know that this may be impossible.  There is still a lot of anger inside of me about what my father did in relation to my son.  I’m not going to be able to just jump over the fence and say, “Okay, I forgive you for sending the message to everyone involved that you agreed that there was something so broken inside of me that you felt that you needed to side with my ex husband on the relationship that I have with my son.”  That is not going to happen.

But I feel without my father’s enabling behaviour toward my step mother, I might be able to start putting some of the angry and hurt feelings aside.  I know for a fact that without her involved, I can put it all aside in time.  I understand the addiction behaviour beyond all reasoning, but it does not really make anything better. When you spend your life watching excuses being made for bad behaviour, you tend to be a little cynical about anyone’s ability to change the situation, including your own.

I feel for the situation.  It is very difficult to break up a marriage, no matter how long you’ve been married.  And it only gets harder, the longer the marriage stays intact.  But when your own health is at jeopardy because of your situation, then that’s a problem.  I may not have been in very many healthy relationships in my lifetime, but I sure as hell know what a bad one looks like.

I guess in thinking about all of this, there are some things that I’ve thought about over and over.  Throughout all of the mess of the last almost 5 years, I have thought that I would regret not having relationships with some people in my life.  My son is primary.  The gap that his absence has left in my soul is immeasurable.  I will truly regret it if I do not at least start the process of  repairing things with my dad and something happens to him.

I seriously doubt my dad’s ability to fight dirty in this circumstance.  I know that unfortunately, my inability to understand how to fight dirty handicapped me far worse than my Asperger’s in my dealings with my ex.  Although, granted, my Asperger’s was probably what made this particularly difficult.  I doubt my dad’s strength in dealing with pure and unreined insanity.  There is no insanity that matches a drug addict in full force.

Probably none of us will ever know the true story.  I’m sure that there are parts of it, that I do not want to know.  I hope that my step mother gets help and that my dad stops enabling her and making excuses for her.  My dad is forever a “don’t make waves” kind of guy.  One of the biggest issues in our relationship has been his inability to accept that I’m just not a “maintain the status quo” sort of girl.  I’ve always been this way, I think.  I don’t look for ways to not be in the middle, but it sure looks like it’s awful far away.

It’s a difficult decision.  I don’t want to be sucked into all of the drama of this situation and I have no doubts that this is going to be bad.  And not, the kind of bad that makes you feel as if there is an inconvenience that you’d rather not be bothered with.  It’s going to be bad in the way that makes you think that the gates of hell have opened and showered it’s full force down on top of you.  When you have a family member living through this, how do you be supportive and not join the abyss?  I only know how to survive it.  I do not know how to help anyone else through it.  I do not even know how to survive it intact.  I certainly didn’t manage to do that at all.

Lately, I’ve been having thoughts that my dad is the bridge to my son.  I just don’t know how to get to that bridge.  I am so at a loss about what to do.  The Best Buy guy says stay the hell away from it.  And instinctively that’s what I want to do. It’s hard.

I guess all I can do is pray.  Now where’s the instruction manual for that?

As I think about all of the dynamics of the relationship that I have with my dad, I wish I could pick the thing that makes me the angriest.  But I think mostly, I feel sadness because my dad has truly missed out on what makes me a great person, by not understanding that I’m not that status quo in the middle girl.  Or maybe he understands it, but can’t get past it.

I wish that once in my life, my dad would have been proud of me because I fight for what I think is right and I say what’s on my mind.  Those aren’t bad qualities.  Sometimes it’s to my detriment that I say what’s on my mind, but I never regret that I did it.  Especially if I thought I was being wronged in the middle of all of it.

I don’t know what will become in this situation.  I guess I will wait and see.  It may be good or bad or it may just be in the middle which is what my dad will fight to maintain.

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. cevon
    Jul 20, 2011 @ 17:08:25

    Thank you for a great post.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: