Clawing out of the hole. Stop throwing dirt on me!


It’s been a rough couple of weeks in our little corner of our domain.  I am trying to find some positive light in everything.  In reality, I’m just left feeling pretty freaking hopeless and dumped on.

However, I am trying to take several friends words to heart and hope that will get me through.  I try to remember that I raised my son for 15 years and I pray everyday that my ex could not possible have ruined all of that in these 4 years.  I don’t hold a lot of faith toward that, but I try.  I know the kind of damage that he can inflict and frankly, it frightens me.

So, I am steadily working on getting this novel churned out to some reasonable conclusion that makes me feel happy.  So far, I have been evaluating different scenes, polishing them, rearranging them, and trying to keep in mind my ultimate goal.  I don’t know what that is as far as the story line, but I do know what that means as far my own goals and aspirations.

So, I steadily churn.  The spring is coming with some fury and allergy season seems to be in full swing as well.  I love allergies.  I thank some scientist for Benedryl. 

A lawyer gave me some helpful advice yesterday, so I’m feeling a little better about it all.  He actually said that he was impressed that I was such a smart cookie and did the state appeal all by myself.  So, I’m mulling his advice about everything and I think I just need to take a deep breath and figure out what the next move is.  There is nothing that dictates a real time limit here.  Except life in general.

I’ve been having very long text chats with an old friend lately and it is serving to make me feel a little better overall.  He keeps reminding me what the true perspective of it all really is.  I appreciate that.  It’s very difficult to handle life’s crap for anyone, but disappointments just seem to take gigantic gaping chunks out of you when you are on the spectrum.  It takes a few days to recover.  Unfortuneately, perspective is a luxury with life on the spectrum and you are constantly needing to have people in your life that make sure that you keep things firmly framed into perspective.  Otherwise, you fun amok into oblivion and greet it with open arms.

In examining everything in general, I get the most irritated because I really feel as if I’ve had to make horrible decisions based on the circumstances and situation rather than the decisions that I would have normally made for my life.  That weighs very heavily on my soul and makes me very sad.  I don’t think that there’s really any way around that feeling, but my friend told me that I cannot feel guilty about any of my decisions.  You make decisions based on the information that you have most of the time, and you just can’t help it if that decision turns out crappy because your information was crappy.  This is so true.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot get mired down in the horribleness of the situation because frankly if I think about it too long, it’s going to cause me to make a very caustic and toxic decision that would not be in anyone’s best interest except for mine in the ultimate end of not having to deal with any of it.

I have done such a good job of building up this beautiful and protective brick wall around me that I forget sometimes how much it hurts to deal with the actual problem.  That’s very discouraging sometimes.  Because when I have to actually deal with the matter itself, it feels as if I’m trying to commit hari kari with a plastic butter knife.  I think I would go crazy if I tried to deal with the entire chunk of this mess.  Instead, I have to deal with little tiny pieces at a time and hope that they don’t come back to stab me in the heart later.

Overall, my general mood is a little better today because I’ve got good friends and a pretty stable support system. Or at least one that is just as batshit crazy as me and gets that I’m batshit crazy and yet harmless just the same.

I’m amazed at the people that I meet on the journey here.  Yesterday I met a lady who has a nephew with Asperger’s so she understood perfectly when I said things like: “I couldn’t deal with the paperwork”, “I couldn’t call to get the arrangements done” and the myriad of other things that keep me from being productive in a crisis every day.

I hope that the spring lifts my mood up in general and I can have a little relief somewhere.  Spring usually makes me feel more creative in general and since I’ve been feeling like I’m in a general rut with the winter being as long and yucky as it’s been anyway, I am actually looking for a lifting of the pervasive gloom.

Cross your fingers, your toes, your eyes, and anything else that you can think of. I need it!

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