It’s an Autistic Week


I never know when I’m going to have an off day.  I’ve been having a serious week of them this week.  I assume that my “autie-sense” knows when things are going to good and I need kicked in the gut.  It’s prolly trying to warn me.

So, as I said, it’s been an entire slew of off days this week. I don’t know why.  I don’t know how to fix it. I just know that it makes me feel like something is truly wrong and I don’t know how to make it feel better at all. 

It’s usually just a culmination of things.  As I said, it’s my brain’s way of saying, “Wow, things have been going pretty well lately and well, I’ve assessed that they are just going too well, so it’s about time for someone to come along and stamp EPIC FAIL on your forehead.”  Mine is almost always some aspect of me getting a little too comfortable in my skin and forgetting that I’m supposed to be a robot and not a real girl, so to speak.

I forever am puzzled about why the social rules seem to be just known by everyone else in the universe and why I seem to screw them up so colossally!  It’s a never ending maze to me this path of social interaction.  I never know what I’m supposed to do.  I don’t just see the clues that all of you neurotypical people fling about so off handedly.  Those little facial expressions are lost on me.  Those little hand motions are lost on me.  I don’t know what the hell you are doing, so stop doing it!

I sometimes wish that people came with those neon ticker tape signs on their chests…well, maybe they should be on their foreheads so that they’ll think that I’m looking at them.  I want these signs to say things like….”even though I’m smiling at you, I’m really wondering why you are so freaking clueless”…or  “even though my words are nice, I’m really saying something that you are going to find hugely upsetting”….or “I’m stabbing you in the back while I’m pretending to be your friend”.  See, if people came equipped with signs, I would never have any doubt about the reality of any situation because your sign would tell me the non-verbal crap that I’m supposed to gain through whatever demented kind of osmosis you people use.

And I know that I’m taking things too personally which prolly has some other kind of meaning, but I’m too stressed by all this input to deal with that right now.  People just don’t understand how easily our systems are overloaded and how that one little silly thing that you are adding to it is prolly going to put me into tears for no particular reason whatsoever.

I know that part of my issue is that I’m frustrated over my health issues.  I fell and hurt my kneww over Christmas while I was so godawful sick and the doctor told me that it was arthritis that was extra irritated.  But it’s not getting any better and now my shoulder is really irritating me.  So, I know that part of my frustration is coming from this non stop pain I’m having.  I’m getting really tired of waking up every morning numb on one side from my shoulder hurting and numb on the other side from my knee hurting. It won’t go away and it isn’t getting better, so I find this almost too much to bear sometimes.

I know I’m over stimulated before I even come to work, and work does not help any.  Not usually anyway.  I find myself feeling unhappy and frustrated with everything these days.  Again, I don’t know why.  I think it’s why I come home, sit in front of the telly and sew all night, though.  Because my brain feels overtaxed from coping all day with the penny ante crap that doesn’t really matter.

So, I guess that was the real point of today’s blog.  That my brain is feeling overtaxed and is screaming out loud at me all day.  So, when I go home at night, I feel very compelled to just do nothing so that I can maybe get soemthing out.  It’s my old theory of keeping the little guy in the back of my brain busy, so that the front of my brain can work on problems without him telling me all about what I should be working out.

I’ve tried to make sure that the things that I do when I get to feeling this way are the things that really relax me.  I sew alot because all of those tiny stitches in nice little perfect rows really do relax me.  I hate admitting that I do things that are so obviously autistic, but I really do enjoy the mindless repetition sometimes.  It just seems to let my brain do what it needs to do without interfering with anything else.

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