On the eve of another anniversary…


I decided that the best way to deal with a horrible anniversary is to write a blog.  So, I write this a letter to my son who I dearly miss.

Dear Kale,

Today is the day before your 19th birthday.  If someone had told me 19 years ago when I was in labour that I would be sitting here not knowing anything that was going on in your life, I don’t think I would have believed them.  If they’d told me that your dad would be at the root of this problem, I would have believed that.

I hate that I’ve missed your last 4 birthdays.  Let me rephrase that, I haven’t missed them at all, I’ve been deprived of them.  I have never chosen to be out of your life.  At this point I guess that there is some explanation in order and since no one else is telling you the truth, I guess that once again it is up to me to be the bad guy.

That day 3 years ago when your dad decided that I couldn’t talk to you anymore, it was not a court order.  In acutality, the court has never taken away my 15 minute daily telephone visits with you.  Your dad suddenly decided that I no longer could contribute positively to your well being.  Then he blocked all our phone numbers from his phones.  He then began a very systematic washing of your brain.  He embroiled you in the a cult and made it so that you cannot associate with anyone outside of the church.  Then they told you that you have 3 chances to convert me. Well, I’m not sure if they actually told you that, but they made it happen that way.  There were exactly 3 phone calls where you ranted and raved at me like some sort of religious fanatic on crack.  Then I never heard from you again. 

I am in absolute heartbreak about the way you acted at graduation.  I try to rationalise it and think that you were a scared little boy who saw an exit with a locked door and started to yell at the only person in your life that you have ever felt safe with.  I know that I’m safe for you to yell at because I won’t punish you or hate you or hit you.  You knew that no matter what you said to me that I would still love you.  And I do.  I’m hurt and I’m angry, but I still love you.  There was a moment when I thought you were going to hug me and then your face changed.  You suddenly became your dad and I was in shock.  Every word out of your mouth was some lie that he’d poured into you.  Every movement that you made was some crazy move he made.  It was frightening that in 3 years he had taken away the son that I was so proud of and replaced him with a drug addict who cannot think for himself.

I know this seems harsh, but no one takes the amount of Risperdol that you take for ADD issues.  It’s a mood changer.  In fact only two diagnoses take Risperdol with desireable results : Asperger’s and Schizophrenia.  We know you’re not schizophrenic and we know you have Asperger’s.  You are smart enough to put the pieces together.

I guess on that same note, I should apologise for making you Asperger’s.  You will notice that I did not say that I’m sorry for making you think you had Asperger’s.  Because I didn’t make you think that, you brought the Asperger’s diagnosis to me.  You found it!  But I also think about what a great kid you were once upon a time.  You had such a fantastic personality.  We laughed so hard and so good!  There were silly laughs and good laughs and gutbusting laughs.  We shared tears and joy and most of all respect and love.

I don’t think you actually respect your dad.  You can’t respect someone that you are afraid of.  You can’t respect someone who has belittled you and made you feel as if you are not important.  You can’t respect anyone who has told you that you are mentally ill and that you are not special. 

Kale, some day, you will understand the horrible position that your dad put me in.  Some day you will be able to be free and think for yourself again.  I hope that someday when you are free and can think for yourself, that you will remember the good things about me.  I hope that you will remember that I always fought for you.  I hope that you will remember that I never missed an activity, a soccer game, or an art show.  I hope that you will remember that I was never unkind in my criticism and that I never hurt you. 

Overall, I hope that you figure out that I never abandoned you.  I had no choice.  Your dad blocked our numbers, your dad made sure that you could not get messages from me, your dad made it so that I was not in your life.  This was not a choice I would have ever made.  Why would I?  I’ve never not been there for any important event in your life until your dad started to make sure that I couldn’t be there.  Think about it really hard for just a moment. 

Think about what kind of person your dad is.  I am pretty sure that I don’t need to go into anymore detail.  We both know what kind of person he is.  We both know that it’s not the good kind of person that everyone should aspire to be.  We both know that he is not the kind of man that you want to be.  Definitely not the kind that you should start out imitating.

I will tell you a secret that I’ve learned, as well.  People like your dad only exist to help themselves and keep other people down so that they have a road to walk on.  I learned that people like your dad only feel good when they are making other people feel bad.  I have learned that when you listen to other people tell you what is wrong with you, that you start to believe it even when they are utterly and completely wrong.  I have learned that it takes an incredibly long time to dig yourself out of that hole after you’ve let someone put you into it.  I have learned that only you can measure the sort of person that you want to be and you are the hardest person to be accountable to.  I have learned that after you have let someone make you believe that you are not worthwhile, that you always have that little tiny seed of self doubt inside of you.  It never goes away.  No one can bring it back and no one can change that ultra critical picture that you have of yourself.  Eventually, you can meet someone that makes you feel as if that picture is not quite right and could use some adjustment, but you will always wonder if that person knows what the hell they are even talking about.

I hope that some day we can put our relationship back together.  I will always be your mom.  I will always love you unconditionally.  I will love you no matter what you say or do.  I will not always be happy with you or like what you do.  It doesn’t change that I am your mother and you are my son.  It will never change that I have this Kale sized space in my heart where only you fit.  I cannot change that your dad has made us lose 4 years.  I cannot take it back.  We will never get back all of this time. 

I will never be able to share your 16th birthday. Or your 17th. Or your 18th. Or your 19th.  I will never be able to share teaching you to drive.  I will never be able to share your first love. I will never share your first heart break.  Your dad stole all of those things from us.  While he was complaining on Twitter about every aspect of your being, I was sitting here wishing that I had you to complain about.  While he was taking you for granted, I was missing you and wishing you were here.  While he was being petty and scheming, I was wondering how you were and what you were doing.  I was wishing that I could read every FB post no matter how stupid.  I was wishing that I could see your talent grow in front of my eyes.  I was wishing that I could encourage you in that talent.

Kale I miss you.  I hate that I’m not in your life.  I hate that you are thinking that I shouldn’t be a part of your life.  I hate that I think about you every day and that I can’t just share some little silly joke or some major thing that I know isn’t major but that you don’t.  Please come to your senses and realise that you need your mom in your life.  Please come to your senses and realise that I never would have chosen to not be in your life.  Please realise that I love you and that I will never give up hope. I will never give up on you.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Ron
    Jan 08, 2011 @ 08:48:28

    Wow, very touching and moving. I wish there was a way I could foward this to Kale, so he could read this.

    Reply

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