Selling out

Wish You Were Here (Waters, Gilmour) 5:17

So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We’re just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here.

I posted this because this is a song that has always been near and dear to my heart.  There are many reasons that it’s so close to my heart. Outside of the obvious message of longing for someone that is not there with you.  The bigger picture is that it is a song about giving up something or someone that you hold dear, for something that looks good, but doesn’t really hold up.  So, I ask you, darling reader, what part of yourself have you sold out?  What dream have you traded for society’s picture of what life should be?

So, in thinking about this bit of poetry, I think about the parts of me that I sold out.  Worse, I worry that somewhere I set a precedent for Kale.  I wonder if I made it okay for him to sell his soul to organised religion and not getting beaten on a regular basis.  Did I model for him that his dad had more power than he did?  Did I figure out where my feet were and stand on them way too late?  Worse than that even, did the court teach him that?

I guess that in a way, I could be excused because of the years of abuse that I suffered at the hands of his dad.  But the court has no excuse whatsoever.  The court made a monster out of his dad and then handed him the keys to the insane asylum.  They gave him all of the paperwork to do whatever he wanted and have no worry of punishment for his digressions.  Isn’t that nice of them?

So, today, I ask the question: Kale what piece of your soul did you sell for your dad’s reality and was it worth it?  Was it worth it to deny who you really are?  Was it worth it to lie about what you knew was true?  Was it worth it to lose yourself in all of the glitter only to find out that the glitter was little more than shiny paper and dust?  We all have to make choices in our lives.  We have to make sure that in retrospect we do not feel as if there is nothing left of ourselves in those choices. We have to make sure that our choices are informed and not made out of fear.  Choices made of fear are always wrong.  I know this better than anyone.  I made lots of choices that were motivated by the fear I had of my ex.  The best decision I made was to leave.  I weighed the evidence and discovered that if I was going to keep me and Kale alive, I was going to have to leave.  He was nuts in the end and told me constantly that he would kill either one of us at a moment’s notice and never blink.  I believed him, I had seen what he could do and it was not pleasant.

I can say with no uncertainty that I miss Kale horribly.  The hole that he has left inside of me is undeniable.  I dream every day that this crap will all be over and things can go back the way that they were.  But they won’t.  I know the job of clean up that I will have to do to eliminate all of the garbage that my ex has put in Kale’s brain.  I sigh and wonder if it will be worth it.  I weigh those things out in my head all the time.  I try to think of the end results.  That maybe some of the future milestones will be there for me to enjoy.

It’s sad that my ex is so wrapped up in getting his revenge that he can’t see past the damage that he’s done to Kale.  I guess I can only hope that Kale will realise it and get away from him.  He can’t just hate his dad for what he’s done, he has to make himself a better person in spite of it.  Because in reality, he’s doomed to just repeat his dad’s mistakes if he stays on this road.

So, Kale, I wish you were here.  I understand you.  I can help make the world make more sense.  I’ve never forced you to blindly believe or trust in anything in your life.  I have let you make choices and figure out how to react to your circumstances.  Not that I was always a perfect parent.  I know that none of us are.  I have never pretended to be.  I have always done the best I could with what I had.

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