Drama Events

You know, I think alot about the things that happen in life and how they relate to other things in life.  This leads me to start thinking about how I react in the face of these things and then to how other people react to similar things. 

I notice that alot of people seem somehow intrinsically unhappy unless they have some sort of drama in their lives.  I, on the other hand, have been systematically trying to stop having drama in my life because the last 3 years of my life have been fraught with it, and frankly, I’m little exhausted by all of it. I know, that’s crazy, right?

So, when I get up early to go to some rummages and then head to Fort Wayne to go to an auction and then to Barnes and Noble for my weekly writer’s club, I don’t expect to have to answer 5000 questions and account for every second of my time.  That’s just nuts.  The Best Buy guy, for whatever reason, and I am clueless as to what that might be, has decided that I’m up to something that I shouldn’t be.  I mean, really.  I’ve been here for 10 years.  It’s not like I’m going anywhere anytime soon.  I don’t understand what causes these little trip ups in his faith.  He gets these little jealous spurts and they make me nuts.  I don’t really get these things.  I’ve been around long enough to know that men are going to do what they do and nothing that I do is going to make a bit of difference or non difference in the whole mess.  So I sit here in the bookstore, pondering all of these connections in life that make us over react and under react and prolly react in general. 

So, although this was originally about the Best Buy guy’s little jealous spurt, it’s turned itself around to be about the relationships in my life and how they behave and how I interact with them.  So, now I’ve checked the “Seeing the World through Asperger’s” box.  The most ironic part of the whole thing is that I’ve never pretending that the relationships in my life are anything short of difficult or complicated.  Because that’s exactly what they are.  Difficult and often times complicated. 

There are so many things about being in a committed relationship with another person that does not exactly lend itself to simple or uncomplicated or easy.  There is so much ego stroking and other niceities which just do not lend themselves very well to the Asperger’s personality.  We’re just not really that interested in stroking anyone’s ego but our own.  And truthfully, if our ego is going to be stroked, we’d much rather do it ourselves, thank you.  There are times that the Best Buy guy definitely more than likely deserves saint status.  But there are times when he misses the entire point.  Now, I’m sure that this point is missed because it has nothing to do with his private parts, but it’s not an excuse. 

I guess that my inability to understand and interpret his intentions gets taken advantage of.  It certainly gets me in trouble.  Although, I hear from a friend of mine, who is a psychologist that many women complain that husbands/boyfriends/significant others for some reason think that we as the other half of the relationship should just be able to read their minds and know what they were thinking about.  I’m good, just not that good.  He’s simple, just not that simple.  It’s a quandary.  Relationships are very give and take.  It’s difficult, as I learned from another friend, to live with someone who is a sort of ultimate scorekeeper.  I guess the part that annoys me is that I never seem to have enough points.  I don’t know what I’m collecting points for, either.  And that’s sort of annoying.  It’s not like in “Scott Pilgrim vs. the World” where I can pluck a level up out of the sky.  It would be so wonderful if things really were like this!  It’s so concrete and it makes so much more sense than the reality of it all.

I continue to strive to understand these little dramas when they happen in my life.  I don’t pretend that I’m any closer than I have ever been.  I’m by nature a fairly loyal soul and since I abhor change so much, it makes little sense that I would disrupt the status quo by making things change forcefully via a disloyal act.  It just wouldn’t happen.  So, I continue to struggle with the idea that he somehow thinks that I am such a hugely desireable creature that I might consider being disloyal under any circumstances.  It is truly ridiculous.  I feel like rejecting this faulty sense of reality and replacing it with my own reality which is a little closer to the true representation of what is going on. 

It’s hard for me to imagine that he thinks I’m that great.  That’s prolly my natural cynicism, however.  Well, I’m not going to change it or figure it out anytime soon.  I’ve been doing this for 40 years and my relationships have not gotten any easier to fathom, so I will be off to write this appeal.  Insert deep breath here and maybe even a tortured sigh.

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