Mental Health Days

I went to bed upset because I felt off all day yesterday.  I hate that feeling.  I don’t know if neurotypical people ever have it, but I have it alot.  It’s a feeling that something is wrong without any way of righting it.  Without being able to know what it is that feels wrong, it becomes difficult to fix it.  I don’t think that I would be able to anyway.  But, I hold out hope that I can figure it out and fix it.

I knew that when I woke up this morning that it would be one of those days that I couldn’t possibly figure out what to even wear.  That’s usually when I know it will be a bad day.  It was just going to go completely downhill from there I suspected.  It’s hard to describe to people.  I always have called it “my wah being out of whack”.  It’s some feeling in my soul that makes me feel as if the world is not right inside of me.  It’s more than that, though.  It’s a feeling that no matter what I do, it will not be right ever.  I hate that feeling.  It’s a feeling of impending somethingness that seems inevitable and unstoppable.

Enough of the doom and gloom.  It’s been swimming about in my head that employers don’t give mental health days and in a job such as mine when you are dealing with people all day and their problems, mental health days are essential.  They are even more important to people on the autism spectrum because of our inability to process stress appropriately.

When our whole lives feel like stress and we are so easily oversensitized by it, it makes for difficult processing life in general.  I am absolutely so knackered by all of the stuff that’s happened in the lasst 3 years and now I feel as if it needs to give.  I wish that when stressful things are occurring that we could just put them in a box and deal with the consequences of them rather than dealing with the stress.  I’m not good at stress at all.  It’s annoying.

When I am feeling so stressed, I feel completely disabled.  It’s an awful feeling to have.  I don’t like it at all.  I just feel like curling up into a ball and crying for a few days.  I know that wouldn’t help any and wouldn’t actually make it feel any better.  But it seems as if it should.  I want to scream, but I’m sure that wouldn’t make it feel any better either.  I feel as if all my nerves are on top of my skin and that I might cry if I’m looked at wrong.  That is an uncomfortable feeling as well.

So, I am a huge advocate of mental health days.  Everyone should have them.  Everyone should be allowed to take them.  It seems as if it is absolutely essential. 

Now, what triggered the blog besides mental health days that are desperately needed?  Torchwood of all things.  I’ve been writing all day working on this court silliness. And watching Torchwood episodes.  The one that stoked this awfulness inside my soul today is about a boy that disappears after texting with his mom.  It reminded me of the way that Wee Geek and I were.  I am stunned by the last 3 years.  Numbed by it some days and killed by it others.  It’s frightening.  I go over and over everything in my brain (wait a minute, I’m sure going through all this bloody paperwork hasn’t helped any either) and trying to make it all make sense.  Of course, it doesn’t matter how many times I go through it and try to make it make sense, it’s not going to.  I guess it’s because the whole mess left such a gigantic gap inside of me.  My whole life was completely thrown akilter because of it.  It’s a hole that is exactly Wee Geek sized.  If our relationship hadn’t been what it was, it wouldn’t matter so much.  It feels so awful now because we were so close. 

When I look back at my life and I think about everything that I’ve been through in 41 years.  When I look at it and try to figure out what I’ve got to show for it, it always comes back to him.  Something in my life righted when he came along and I suddenly knew thatq I was not the only one like me in the universe.  There was suddenly this other little person who I could connect with and could make a relationship with.  That was the point.  I never had good relationships because it was just too damned hard.  It explains so much about my life.  Why that piece was so elusive up until Wee Geek was born.  I could never make that hardwired connection to another person. 

I did better with making those connections after Wee Geek.  I still wasn’t great at it, but I felt motivated to try.  I had let Scott lock me up in a little gilded cage and he had made me believe that I was incompetent in building relationships with others.  He made me think that he was the only one I could build a relationship with.  It was dark and twisted and awful.  Suddenly, though, there was this little boy who I could look down at and bond with.  I was amazed.  I thought that part of me was broken or missing.  What I found was that there was nothing about me that was broken or missing.  It just didn’t work very well. 

So, as I go through all of this garbage and all of these feelings that are practically insanity inducing, I think about all of these things. I think about what Scott created.  I think about that great kid that I brought into this world totally alone and raised that way.  I think about the huge gap in both of our lives.  Mine is bigger I think, but I wasn’t encouraged to stuff it full of garbage either.  I had to find healthy things to fill it with.  I had to try and make the pieces that were left fit together with the biggest piece missing.  He had to piece it back together with lies and half realities.  I don’t know which one is worse, but they are both pretty bad.  At least I could make fairly informed decisions about what was happening.  He couldn’t even begin.  The information that he has to work from is bad to start with.

Okay, I’ve cried, I’ve been to the bathroom 17 times and I’ve watched 4 episodes of Torchwood accompanied by healthy (or maybe not so much so) doses of allergy meds and migraine pills.  It’s not going to make the day any better.  It’s not going to make coping with the crap for this case any better.  A pint of Cherry Garcia might, though.

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