Relationships that aren’t with zombies


I was just thinking about the relationships in my life.  I was also thinking about how relationships in our lives change us and form us.

Some relationships are good and make us better people.  Some relationships are bad, but also make us better people.  I know this seems like a contrary idea, but let me explain. 

The best relationship that I have in my life is probably with my friend Di.  Now, we will both be the first to tell you that we are each other’s soulmates.  We were meant to be together, be friends, make up for each other’s shortcomings, be strong when the other cannot, be weak when the other is not.  We have always been a beautiful yin and yang relationship.

On the other hand, I have a horrible relationship with my full brother.  Now, we have the same parents (or so they both allege), but for some reason unknown to anyone but the most wise of magi, I suppose, we have never seen eye to eye.  I am the weird sister.  Funny thing is that I have gotten over it.  He never has.  At some point, you have to say that this is my sister, and I understand that she may seem odd, but she’s my sister and this is the way she is and I must get over it and move on with my life.  But no, instead, he chooses to slam me at every opportunity and prosecute me for being different. 

The other relationship that I have in my life that causes me drama is my father.  I’ve never been on what anyone would consider really great terms with my dad.  I’ve really more tolerated him in life.  You know, a necessary evil because he claims to be your parent.  I think back at some of the pretty important events in my life, and my dad is rarely in the pictures in my head.  Strange, huh?

So, the point of this blog is how these two relationships that aren’t good in my life have crashed headlong into each other making what potentially could become a huge drama situation.  However, I decided to take the upper hand. 

It’s no secret that I can count the number of conversations on one hand that I’ve had with my dad in the last year.  It’s no secret that he was WRONG! in this situation.  And not just a little wrong, I mean all capital letters with lots of exclamation points wrong. 

Sometimes in this day and age of technology we forget that our private thoughts are not always so private.  Occasionally we slip and they are all out in the open for everyone to see.  Of course, I have more experience with this than most people because when I have a meltdown, it’s often beyond my control and happens in places where I have no control over the environment and everyone sees it.  So, I posted on FB a little issue I was having, and my brother, who is certifiably an ass decided to go off on me.  That’s all fine and dandy.

But it started me thinking.  I mean beyond the idea that I’m pretty sure my brother and I do not have the same father because his father sounds great and my father is an ass.  I even called my mom and asked her if we actually do have the same father.  But I thought about how this strained lifelong relationship has made me a better person.

Because I have gone through life with a father who never has picked me first for anything.  I’ve just never been that important.  Consequently, most of my relationships with men have been somewhat in the same vein.  I mean that I put up with shit that I would never put up with normally because I have learned that I am not worthy of being first for anyone.  I have also put up with relationships where the other person was waiting for me to stop being weird. Just a clue: probably not going to happen.  I am 41 years old.  I’ve always been weird and I’m pretty sure that I can’t change that.  No amount of waiting is going to magically make me not weird. 

I do have to give my brother and my dad some credit for waiting all of these years and holding out hope that I would wake up and not be weird  one day. But it hasn’t happened. 

So, my response.  First of all, he’s my brother, he’s known me all his life and he still can’t spell my name.  I almost commented back and then I thought…Really?  I decided that he wasn’t worth it and I deleted him.  Well, I deleted his wife from my friend list.  Now, I am wishing that it were that easy to get people out of your life.  Just press delete.  Genius!

So, back to the point.  How has having these two relationships in my life made me better?  Well, not being accepted by members of your own family is difficult. But it also makes you stronger.  If you can’t get in good with the people who are supposed to love you regardless then you spend life looking for approval in other places.

You also come to accept yourself for who and what you are without any sense of pride to it.  You think that you are not worthy of being treated well.  You begin to believe that you deserve to be treated badly.  Afterall, the two men in your life who should care, don’t.  You must have something seriously wrong with you.

I feel like I’m stronger for this drama induced crap.  I have learned that I don’t need anyone to validate myself.  I can do it for myself.  I have learned that people you should be able to count on are never where they should be.

I’m going to continue thinking about this.  It seems like it will be important someday.

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