Graduation horror stories


So, in light of my son’s impending graduation and my stupid ex-husband’s inability to be a reasonable human being and keep it from me, I’m writing a new blog.

I can’t hardly begin to put into words how I feel about this important milestone. It is so overshadowed by Scott successfully making me dead in Wee Geek’s life and his infinite butt headedness in general that I am overwhelmed.  I can hardly even deal with all the graduation crap that is popping up everywhere you look.

I am once again struck by the irony that Scott has been allowed to do to me what he imagined was happening to him. The only difference being, of course, that I actually care about Wee Geek and Scott is just using him as a means to punish me.  It’s unbelievable.  All of the emotions that are seething through me have no words to describe them and no place to go inside my already over-stimulated brain.  It’s just…..well, no words seem adequate once again.

The entire experience has made me rethink the universe in general and makes me wonder at the injustice of it all. Bigger than that, however, is the fact that this was all fueled by a corrupt and miserable little man looking for a corrupt and horrid way to carry out his most evil plan in life. Punish me for leaving.  The irony that one of the best things I ever did for myself has turned out to be one of the worst impacting decisions of my life has not escaped me.  I’m beginning to think that is how fate levies her sense of humour on us.  She forgets that it’s only funny if someone else laughs, and that person can’t be you.

So, I sit and thumb through my coping mechanisms, realising that I do not have one that is effective for this situation.  The old coping tools just do not work anymore and there are no new ones that are as good as the old ones.  So, I do what I always do and stuff all of it down because it’s too big for anyone else to deal with let alone myself.

I know that it makes me feel dysfunctional and stuck.  I feel as if  I will become lethally dystonic and will not be able to move at all.  It is terrible that Scott has been allowed to so horribly abuse me.  Sometimes I think back and wonder if I should have let him kill me way back when.  It seems as if it might have been the more prudent course of action.  But then I think of Wee Geek and it all flutters away because at least he had at least 10 good years of limited Scott bullshit.  It just scares me to see how much he’s ruined all of the good work that I did in just 3 short years.

I think that the thing that disturbs me most is that I will never be able to make up that time. It will be forever lost to all of this derision.  I do not think that I will ever be able to look at the last 3 years through any other lenses except for the ones ruined by this bitterness and hatred.  I hate especially that he has been able to put me so far in the hole again when I was just getting things together and on my feet.

I like my job, I love teaching and I am finally at a place with the Best Buy guy that feels fairly comfortable.  I am writing again and feeling good about it.  I am able to deal with most of the issues that arise because of the Asperger’s.  For the first time in my life, I feel pretty good about who and what I am.  Scott has always been able to plant little seeds of doubt in my brain about me.  Wee Geek was my solid rock on the journey through Asperger’s. My confirmation that I wasn’t nuts and that I actually knew what I was talking about.  Will I still be able to go ahead on this path without that confirmation?  That is, if Wee Geek  has been made to actually believe that I am crazy and that he does not have Asperger’s.  Will anything in my life make sense if that is the case?

I ponder all of these questions in my head every day 5 million times.  I ponder all sorts of ridiculous things.  Isn’t  it silly how one awful little man can plant all of these little seeds and nurture them into monstrous plants worthy of  “The Little Shop of Horrors”?

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Julie S.
    May 27, 2010 @ 14:34:31

    Write a story about how you would kill and dismember Scott if you could without being caught. When you’re done, burn it so there is no evidence of the perfect crime you wish you could really commit. There’s no sense in taking chances, at least not that kind. OR, I can make you a Scott voodoo doll and you can do all the bad stuff you really want to without getting arrested. You don’t deserve the stuff he’s put you and your son through. Just know that you are loved and things will get better.

    Reply

  2. Dianne
    May 27, 2010 @ 22:33:39

    He is out of all other things your child. No one not even Scott can take that from you. What he is now is because of you. Others can delude themselves into another reality, but the fact is regardless of where his mind is now riddled with fear and teenage angst he will always be Kale. Just know you named him is a mark Scott can’t erase. I will love the model you have provide for me as a mother and the strength you give me to fight for my own little Aspie. Hold tight and remember I will be on this journey with you untll the absolute end. –When Kale is back with us.

    Reply

  3. ktjane69
    May 28, 2010 @ 06:59:26

    Now I know why you are my soul mate! Thank you! You always know the exact right thing to say!

    Reply

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