It just keeps getting better…

It doesn’t really, but I keep hoping.  I have had this sense in the last three years that while simultaneously stalking me and trying to completely control every aspect of my life, my ex is trying to eliminate me from at least my son’s life.  They call his wife mom and don’t allow him to call her anything else.  They act like I’m a bad word and punish him for all but the worst thoughts about me. 

It’s funny to me, though, the more you try to get someone out of your life, the more embedded in your life that they somehow become.  For instance, I stopped communicating with Scott and stopped accepting mail or email from him.  So, he took me to court for more visitation. Which my son didn’t want any part of.  Then the judge told me that I needed to make sure that my son had a relationship with Scott when neither of them wanted that at all.  I’m sure that they still don’t have a relationship because I still haven’t heard about what a great guy Scott is.  I know why this is.  Because he’s not a great guy. He’s an asshole hypocrit with a cause.

And so it goes on.  I’ve been living with the idiosyncratic and stupid decisions of a judge whacked out by his own need for ego stroking and a man who thinks that he can do no wrong and who has been given free license by the court to think so. I’ve been told that I have no right to feel sad or mad or angry or any of the things that I feel.  I’ve been given no outlet for any of it, and so it sits inside of me like a rock heavy and frozen in place.  I’ve been told that my disability is a crippling horrible thing to have saddled my son with.  The only genes that I regret giving my son are Scott’s.  I can’t help it that mine were part of the bargain.

The court has allowed Scott to rape me, blame me for the act, and then punish me for it.  The court has allowed him to stalk me and gain power where there was no right for him to intrude. The court has allowed him to sever the relationship that I had with my son and has turned it into some horrible thing that it never should have been.  It’s as if mom is synonymous with horrible pain that never stops making you bad.

I struggle with all of the decisions that I ever made for Wee Geek everyday. I tell myself that I did the best thing for him at the time.  I believe this.  I never would have severed the relationship that Wee Geek had with Scott. However, the problem became that because of the kind of person that Scott is, there was no relationship.  I laugh at how easily the judge was won over by the one story of the closeness of their family. They watch “Heroes” together and Wee Geek got them into it.  Well, good for them.  Never mind that I made sure that he played soccer 3 times a year and went to Scouts and that we spent every Saturday together doing something like going to the movies or sniffing out flea markets.  Never mind that our relationship was crafted over the time of two people realising that they are the same in this very integral way and that in their own small world they are the only ones like them.  Nope, should have watched freaking “Heroes”.

How could anyone ever entertain in a million years that Scott is a decent parent?  He’s not even a decent human being.  He’s lied about every part of himself.  The only hurt he owns that is real is that his mom died when he was 10.  I doubt now that his father abused him. I doubt that he ever had anything going for him at all. Because he still doesn’t. His entire life is an illusion based on his wife’s credit rating.

But for me…the reality is that I worked so hard to make sure that my son would graduate and he’s doing it without me and under duress.  I worked so hard to make sure that he would drive, and have a job, and have some semblence of normalcy and he’s there because of how hard I worked for him, but I get nothing of the pleasure of it.  Scott gets to take all of the credit for raising Wee Geek to be the wonderful young man he is and instead he did nothing. I couldn’t even get him to pay child support half the time. Don’t even mention all of the soccer fees, and boy scout camp fees, and tutoring fees, and medication expenses.  I did all the hard work!

Okay, I’m feeling a little less ranty.  I’m just so fed up.  Wee Geek  is 18 and they are still trying to tell me that I can’t see him or talk to him.  But I’m sure the 18 defense will get thrown out somewhere to justify something they do.  It’s crap.

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