Breakfast with husband always enlightening…

I’m trying to get better about blogging every day.  I know this sounds odd. There was an episode of  “House” last night that had a girl on it who blogged all the time.  She told her husband, “I wish you had a blog so I knew what you were thinking.”  I like this idea.  I’m of course, in my own special little autistic way imagining everyone walking around with screens on their foreheads with their thoughts running constantly across them in blog format.  Wouldn’t that be wonderful.

Most people would probably think this was awful.  But it would be an Asperger’s person’s best dream. EVER.  I would not have to ever guess about what someone was thinking or feeling about me.  It would be right there on their head for me to see.  It would make my life so much easier!  No more guess work. No more misinterpretation.  A life saver for sure!

So, I went to eat brunch with my husband on Sunday morning. We stopped in Anderson on our way down to see IMAX 3-D “Alice in Wonderland”.  We talked, as always.  Of course, it seems the conversation always runs to Wee Geek.  It’s bizarre that it never leaves my brain.  I thought his comment on the whole thing was very insightful of our life, in general.  “Let’s not think about it, today.  Let’s just try and have a good day.”  Well, that’s what I do every day and it’s not working for me.  So, when can I deal with this, exactly?  I spend every day avoiding it and skipping around it. Pretending it’s not this horrible monster hiding in my closet, ready to pounce out at me and eat me alive.  Of course, because I’m afraid that this is exactly what it will do, I do nothing and pretend it doesn’t exist because grown ups don’t believe in big awful monsters that hide in thier closets waiting for an opportune pouncing moment.

I’m always feeling as if my nerves are on top of my skin these days.  But I’m supposed to forget about it for a day and just pretend.  I really thought these pretending days were over.  No one believes me that this all happened and there is nothing that I have done to deserve it.  They always have that little piece of doubt in their minds that show me that they are honestly thinking that there must be something else and that I am somehow editing the universe to a softer kinder one.  Yeah, this is the kind version of my life. (Cue sarcastic voice dripping with more sarcasm and with a big sarcasm cherry on top.)  I hate this.  The looks because people are so naive and that justice is fair and that they would never do anything that wasn’t the best thing for the kid.  But it happened to me.  I have watched it happen to many other people in those courts over the last few years.  I wonder how much it costs to bribe a judge in Delaware county.  That would be so interesting to find out. Just because I hugely suspect that my ex and his lawyer are doing it.

At any rate….as I said, I can’t just stop thinking about it because in Asperger’s-land, it affects every part of my life, all of the time.  It never goes away. And it always makes me want to break down into uncontrollable and unstoppable tears. Nothing helps, though.  I mean, tears can help reduce the stress somewhat, so can massages.  But in reality, the whole situation needs to just go away and stop. I don’t know how to make it do that.  I wish that I did.  In typical autistic fashion, I am banging my head into the wall repeatedly, hoping to release some small tidbit that I keep overlooking or ingnoring or not noticing.  Not happening.  But I guess that a girl needs hope. Not a typical AS reaction, surely. But a human one.

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