Random thoughts of the last week

It’s been a very dark and demented week.  I have been lamented often and seriously about the flatness of Indiana.  Today, I am wondering about life in general and seriously reflecting on my life, in particular.

I overheard a phone conversation between my husband and my step-daughter.  He was complaining about all of my legal fees and other nonsense and actually managed to make it sound as if he were somehow helping me with it all.  He’s so bizarre. He wouldn’t help me if it was the last thing that he did on the planet and he needed the points to get into heaven.  Amazing.  I shook my head when his daughter told him not to worry about her birthday money because it sounded like “we” had a lot going on.  Now, I don’t know where his kids got the impression that we share anything except a bed and the same living space, but they do.  This perturbed me to no end, let me tell you.

The other thing that annoyed me was that he told her that he was trying to talk me into moving to Ohio to get rid of some of this crap. So he won’t be broke and destitute.  I’m so happy that I serve as a constant reminder of his worst fear in life, that he won’t have horded money in his checking account.  It must be awful to live with that fear. Ridiculous.  Again, I ask, what did he lose in all this?  He didn’t even lose me.

So, I am wondering today what would be good for me.  I’m pretty sure moving to Ohio isn’t going to solve any part of my problems.  Except for the days when he is the problem.  I asked him this morning while he was half asleep because that is when I get the best most truthful and accurate answers from him is when his brain hasn’t had time to organize itself behind all the big brick walls.  He said he didn’t want me to go away, he just wanted all of the problems to go away.  Hmmmm…I wonder where you buy that wife?  The one that has no problems, no baggage, no life.  Then another thought struck me.  He is setting a very dangerous precedent if he is going to start making my problems his own, then that’s just not like him at all.

I started to think to about setting people out to sea in a teacup with the idea that they can use the teacup to bail themselves out when the sea gets too rough.  However, the fatal flaw being that you sort of need the teacup in order to stay afloat.  How do you do accomplish this super hero feat?  I don’t know. I’m still trying to figure it out.  So, here I am in the middle of the most desolate ocean in my teacup that has huge cracks in it and is definitely letting the sea crash in and me.  I don’t even have a spoon to bail with. I’m thinking that I might want a sugar cube to latch onto. 

In my darkest minutes, including the ones that I spend copious amounts of time looking for some place that is not flat in this godfarsaken state, I still see that this is a situation that I did not create, that I did not want to participate in, and the worst part did not even want  to see any part of  for any reason.  I think that from now on, when I go to the shrink and she asks me what state I’m in, I’m going to tell her Indiana, because that is the worst state that I can think of for anyone.  It’s desolate and miserable and grey.  Nothing is tolerated.  At least not the things that should be. Think of the possibilities. Indiana could be any state of mind whatsoever.  Crazy, sane (although it would be a dubious sanity), depressed….whatever.

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