My life is a disaster. Wanna trade?

Okay, there is no denying that the last 3 years have been very stressful.  Unbelieveably beyond stressful would probably be a more appropriate word choice.  I had to have emergency gall bladder surgery because I was stress eating and my system started to crash. The gall bladder had the worst of it.  I have stress fractures in all of my teeth. Not just a few.  ALL.  I take so many things to keep my system in whack that the rest of me is just not coping, at all.  I’ve been in therapy since the arrest in October.  Does this tell you how my day is going?

So….the court has everything so screwed up that I don’t know what thing is important anymore and as soon as I think I might have it figured out, it changes again.  I definitely don’t know what the truth is.  I was a fit enough parent when my ex didn’t want the responsibility.  Now, I’m incompetent because of my autism.

The Best Buy guy has been on a “we need to have a serious talk about your ex husband because it’s ruining both of our lives” kick.  I’m looking around trying to figure out exactly what he feels he’s lost in all of this.  I lost everything. My kid is gone. My stability is gone. My coping skills are all gone.  I own nothing to show for my 40 years of existing on this planet. Nothing to show for having worked since I was 16.  Nothing.  He keeps saying that they will try and take the house.  First of all, it’s in his name. They are not going to be taking the house from him to satisfy my debt. They didn’t do it for bankruptcy court, they certainly won’t do it now.  Of course, that poses the question of what is really important in my little bubble.  Looks like not much that has to do with me.

So, what has been disrupted in his life? I’m not important to him unless I’m being useful in some way to him such as laundry or sex, so I know that’s not a worry.  He still spends money how ever he wants. He still gives money to his kids like he has a giant money tree growing out of his ass. He still takes off and does whatever he wants to do whenever he wants to do it with absolutely no regard for how I might feel about it.  He still lives exactly the same. He is only supportive when it might be beneficial to me. He  cares as much as he wants to care and never as much as he should.  He is definitely single mindedly about him.  Oh, and let’s not forget his kids.  I wasn’t born with the name, so I do not get any of the privileges that come with birth.  Of course, we have one that wasn’t born with the name that gets treated better than all of us. 

I don’t know how to explain to him that this is beyond any amount of control that I  could possibly have over it.  He doesn’t seem to understand it, at all.  It’s very strange.  Somehow, I’m supposed to make everyone behave like civilised adults with gigantic brains popping out of their skulls.  I can’t do this.  What in the world is he thinking?

So, I go back to the old standby….”No man is an island, no man is a sea, but this display of emotion is all but killing me.” I’m drowning. My teacup will never bail this sea and there is no way out of it.

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