Lost jobs and other randomness


     Just a few random notes about losing my job.  Things that I have been thinking about.  People don’t realise that  for a neurotypical person to lose their job, it’s upsetting and maybe even knocks them off kilter for a few days.  For a person on the spectrum, it is devastating.  I know that it’s not a personal effront in this case.  It wasn’t because of something to do with the Asperger’s as many of my lost jobs have been in the past.  It was about money.  I was told that, anyway.  In typical Asperger’s fashion, I wonder.  I always think that it was some sort of personal degradation.  Something about me was just too horrible to work with anymore.  Losing your job feels as if you are being made obsolete as a person.  For someone on the spectrum, it feels as if we are being made obsolete as functioning members of the planet.  This is a big jump for most people, I understand.  However, it does feel as if  you are being told that there is something so extremely dysfunctional about you that you should no longer be allowed to exist.

      My first reaction upon losing a job, as always is to go home and just curl up under the covers to sleep.  I thanked God that my GED class was cancelled that night because I was sure that I couldn’t even cope with their stuff combined with my stuff.  I went home and actually cried.  My husband was scared, I think.  I never have normal reactions to things and this reaction seemed like the normal reaction that someone should be having.  I’m sure it took him a minute to figure out if he was in the right house with the right wife.  It probably was a very surreal moment for him.

     I know certain things are true.  I know that I have talents and assets that any employer would be lucky to have.  I also, by the same token, realise that I have this very anti-social difference that makes it difficult for me to fit in.  It makes it difficult for me to just go on.  I will be stuck in this feeling of being personally rejected for awhile.  It will take me a little bit to get back on the horse.  I usually sit around for a week and don’t do much.  I get absorbed in little projects that make me feel good.  Because it’s like a bandaid smothered in aloe vera.  I need to repair my poor bruised ego before I can go back to rejoin the real world again.  I’m sorry, but that’s how my system operates.  I can’t feel sorry for myself, so I baby myself with obsessions, instead.

      Will I find another job?  Yes, eventually, I will find another job.  Will it be as great as the one I just left.  Maybe. Maybe not.  Will I ever feel like a fit in just a little again?  I don’t know.  Will I have friends in a job again?  I don’t know.  Will I miss those things from this job?  Definitely.  This job was the longest that I have ever been employed anywhere.  It’s the first job that I felt like I was truly successful with. It’s the first job that made me truly happy about what I did.  It’s the first job that I made friends and did things outside of work with people.  I have learned to widen my scope and my world with this job.  I am really grateful for that. There is a lot to be said for that feeling of acceptance and semblence of safety.  When you live in a neurotypical world where you know the right thing to do always and where everything makes sense automatically, it’s hard to understand how that feeling is special.  I am not an easy person to get along with.  I am not an easy person to understand.  I am brilliantly witty in small doses.  I am fantastically funny in a wry and sardonic way.  Is everyone comfortable with this?  Of course not.  All I can do is be comfortable with myself.  The more comfortable I am with me as I am, the better that other people get at being comfortable with me and others like me.

    That’s what I strive to do.  Make people understand that not all autistic people are off the “typical rainman type” of autism.  We are a spectrum.  We are all different.  We crave the same things that non-autistic people do.

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1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. Mike
    Jan 20, 2010 @ 20:18:27

    I’m sorry about your situation. It sounds like your handling it alright. It’s just hard, but you will get through it. I’ll keep you in prayer. Make sure you do some positive things every day.

    Reply

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