Of shitheads and other dastardly beings

January 6, 2010

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people that you meet in life will always be shitheads and that it is completely out of your control to do anything about it.  I’ve had more than my fair share of stupid shit in the last three years.  I’ve been dragged kicking and screaming through most of it.  Today, I am still standing and none of it has kicked my ass.  Knocked me down and left lots of unsightly bruises, but not killed me.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m feeling pretty bitter about most of it.  I think that I have every right to be.  When I think about all the injustices in the midst of all this, I want to scream.  I just don’t think it would do any good.  I try to not slip into melancholy and apathy.  Damned difficult on most days.

I sit and wonder about everything. I overanalyze it and turn it around and around in my head, trying to examine every angle and figure out every move.  It never seems to change anything and I never seem to find any answers.  Thanks to the Asperger’s, I obsess about it.  That’s where the overanalyzing comes in.  I wish there were a script for every moment in life and that everyone else followed the script as well as we need to.  Wouldn’t it be wonderful if those little unpredictable awful moments that leave the pit of your stomach feeling absolutely bottomless, suddenly weren’t?  What if we could actually have some modicum of control over them.

The thing that’s the hardest about living on the spectrum is that uncertainty.  The failure to act based on the not knowing.  I do” x” and expect you to do” a” but instead you do “m” which makes no freaking sense whatsoever.  In frustration, I do “j” which is completely not the right thing to do which pisses you off and makes me the most horrible person in the universe. 

I over compensate in these situations. My radiant wit which looks really and truly sharp most of the time, all on a sudden becomes absolutly dull and intolerable.  I reach for the script and it is not there.  This just degenerates as I’m sure that you’ve witnessed.  By this time, I usually have said something absolutely not socially acceptable.

Another question I have to ask, what the hell does socially acceptable mean, anyway.  Whose society is this that determines what is acceptable?  It certainly wasn’t my society.  Can you imagine what the rules of society would look like if society was ruled by Asperger’s people?  I imagine it sometimes.  A world where there was no such phrase as “social faux pas”.  A world where nothing ever looks “weird” because weird is normal.  I’m starting to get excited.

I was in the book store the other day and I overheard such a disturbing conversation and I just wanted to run up to the child and hug her.  The mother had two children in tow. One pre-teen and one teenager.  The teenager was trying to talk the mother into leaving. The pre-teen was clutching an armload of books.  I smiled to myself thinking of how I was at that age.  pre-teen who incidently was a daughter, was telling her mother that her friend so and so had told her that a certain vampire series was really good.  The mother suddenly went into a major diatribe about how the daughter was glorifying death and how tired she was of the craziness of glorifying death all the time.  It was terrible that the daughter was trying to act so weird all the time and she needed to be normal.  This is where my spontaneous hug was screaming to come out of me.  I looked at this daughter.  She was skinny as a rail and looked like a boy complete with ultra short and not even stylish haircut.  Her clothes were far from anything that would be considered stylish.  But here she was, trying to stretch her weirdity just a glimmer, and she was being squashed.

I remember this feeling. I remember hearing, “Why can’t you be like everyone else? Why can’t you just do it like everyone else? Why do you make everything so hard?  Why can’t you just stop being weird?”  I tried. I wanted to.  No matter what I did, I could never do it like everyone else.  I could walk toward the door in the exact same outfit that the head cheerleader did and the at the last second, I would slide on my old chucks or a rhinestone something and it was all for naught. 

What people don’t realise is how much courage it takes to live through being so weird.  How the difference deposits on your soul and makes you kick yourself in frustration.  After awhile, you start to think that there’s something truly wrong with you.  If you’re lucky, you learn that it’s not you that is the problem. It’s the world.  We have to fight everyday to put a little bit of us out there so that the world starts to learn to live with us.  Pretty scary endeavor for a 5’2″ former redhead with lots of purple streaks in her hair.  I’m only one little Asperger’s girl in this universe.  I need help.  I can’t do it alone alhthough by definition, I should be doing it alone.  The definition only guarantees that I’m more comfortable doing it alone. 

Most people don’t realise that I have Asperger’s. I’m smart. I don’t expose people for too long at one sitting.  I make my quirks into funny little mistakes.  I can laugh at myself, thank goodness.  I was in a meeting today where the special ed director told the job coach that I would be training that I was the best person to do this because of my own special issues (as if rhinestones were a problem).  The job coach looked at me expectantly.  I looked blank.  The special ed director finally aluded to me disclosing that I was autistic.  I wouldn’t have had any more of a clue if she’d kicked me.  So then, I had to tell the job coach that I was Asperger’s and that my son was Asperger’s.  I wasn’t exactly sure how this was relevant, but somehow I was dragged to the “workshop” and was suddenly asked for all sorts of suggestions to help the spectrum kids. I’m glad to do it, don’t get me wrong, but it was weird. Much weirder than me, that’s for sure.

I have to think of it as opening a gate.  I will continue to do that.

Depsite the shitheads and the other dunderheads in my universe.  I’m glad this rant got turned around. It was starting to look bad.  I pulled it together and made it positive. Not a talent I display very often!

1 Comment (+add yours?)

  1. deek
    Jan 16, 2010 @ 22:57:34

    Society. I have thought about this many times myself. Its interesting to me, how some things in life can be looked at through negative (and positive) lights, due to decisions and beliefs people had hundreds of years ago.

    I have a married friend, that at one time had a girlfriend. He was fine with it. His wife was fine with it. The girlfriend was fine with it. Who is anyone else to judge? But everyone does.

    Its a shame people can’t just live their lives.


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